Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

@mummy917
I read through your whole last thread and glad you seem to be doing ok
i am 3 years on the other side of where you are - my ex husband - married for 10 years together nearly 20 also walked out when my twins were 1. Sadly I think it’s all too common with multiples - they are ok/good ish dads to singletons (as my ex was) but just couldn’t hack the expectations of being a twin dad
my ex also tried to change the narrative that I was controlling etc…. Well someone had to have the big earning job pay all the bills and do everything because they turned out to be incompetent
can’t say it was easy at first. I also refused to lie to my eldest and refused to have my name brought into why he was leaving - it was very much “daddy is leaving”. Leaving so he could go to the gym every night and spend all his money on tattoos too ironically!
3 years later we are far far better off without him. He doesn’t really see the kids at all, pays no CMS mind you but we are better off without him x

Wow I can’t believe how similar your experience is!!! He definitely changed when the twins came along and just can’t hack when they both need something at the same time. Yes it’s bloody hard but you still have to get on with it and learn to adapt. It’s lovely to hear how far on you are now and how much better you’re doing 😊 it gives me so much hope xx

Good idea to start a new thread!

I followed your other thread but didn't say much as so many other women were giving you such good advice and support.

You've got this OP, you really have💪

Just linking OP's first thread 😊Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided | Mumsnet

He's repetitively using the term 'controlling' to control you ironically ... he thinks you'll bend over backwards to do exactly what he wants to 'prove' your not. Don't play that game; you're not being controlling over anything you've said or done.

Stand firm on the move out date, get cameras up and/or change the locks immediately.

I can’t remember where you are at in the divorce process - I ended up applying for mine as he dragged but got it all done and signed off within 6 months of applying. I wanted the financial consent order agreed as quick as possible as I knew it was very much in my favour (walked away with all my pensions which were worth 10x his and 70% of the house). I very much knew I had limited time to play on his feelings of shame and embarrassment for what he had done. As it happens he admitted as much 2 years later and said he’d never have agreed to it now! Oh well sucks to be him! I also haven’t heard from my former MIL since the day he moved out incidentally. By the way I packed his stuff and had him out of the house within 2 weeks of him announcing his little mid life crisis

Know that we are far far stronger than we think we are - yes there are days I’m lonely and still sad that this isn’t the life I had imagined for my children and raising the twins especially as a 100% lone parent has been brutal at times but what doesn’t kill you makes you infinitely stronger x

I think you need some dismissive snap backs up your sleeve for the next time he calls you controlling... even if it is just to say "You are wrong but so what?"

But something like "You call it controlling. Most sane people call it getting things done."

I'm sure the Hive Mind can come up with some better shut downs.

And then just change the subject and grey rock.

Hopefully you won't have to have too many of these kinds of conversations once he's actually gone... He sounds awful by the way, his lack of concern for how it will affect your children is particularly striking, whereas that's always at the forefront of all your posts, how to make it easier for them. I think you are navigating a difficult part carefully and successfully.

My favourite line is…
That’s an interesting point of view.
Stops anyone in their tracks, then change the subject.

You’ve got this OP, I love how you are taking control. I second others in saying, anything that you really don’t want him to take, Including your folder under the bed, tuck it away now in the car or at a friends house - you’ll not get things back easily or at all. Beware that your house may be a little sad when you return after his move out. Gaps and mess, it might well look like a bomb site. I don’t think he will take any care to set things right before he goes. And he may well just grab all the kids toys or clothes as it will save him buying anything. Or he might still be hanging about, moving stuff always takes longer than you think, especially if like your ex, you end up doing it alone. Prepare for all eventualities.

When my ex accused me of being 'controlling' ( as someone else said, SOMEONE has to be in control otherwise absolutely nothing gets done!) I used to say 'that's a (pause) very novel way of looking at it.'

Told him without telling him that I was having none of it.

I have started the application but haven’t paid anything yet; my husband said he’d pay at the end of June but I highly doubt that will happen so I will still end up paying for it I think. At this point though, I just want it started properly so I’d rather pay than wait till god knows when for him to pay.

Funnily enough I’ve heard nothing from my MIL either; it’s scary how similar our circumstances are!

Yes I never in a million years thought I’d get through this even a little bit and never thought I’d never come out of that dark place. Don’t get me wrong, I still have bad days and plenty of wobbles, but they aren’t because I want him anymore. It’s more because of the life I thought I’d have and my kids would have, and it makes me sad they won’t anymore.

I am also getting a financial consent order as my pension is much better than his and his mum went after her ex husband’s pension years after they divorced when he retired, so I do not trust her to not drip that in his ear either. And now I wouldn’t put it past him either.

I will definitely be using the “so what?” approach when he tries to call me controlling or anything else for that matter.

My friend who I’m seeing tomorrow has said I can store all my important documents at her house so that’s another thing sorted thanks to the advice on here 😊

Oh, that's a really good idea - to get the important documents out of the house!

if your pension is better do you earn more than him? My ex husband languished in minimums wage jobs so with the divorce paperwork I wrote in the justification section that realistically - given the age of the twins - I’d be the one supporting them as young adults at uni etc and to buy him out of the house whilst also paying £3.5k a month in full time childcare I’d extended the mortgage past retirement age ….therefore no pension should be due…. My solicitor said worth a shot and it worked. Clearly the judge who signed it off had the measure of him. my ex husband wasn’t interested in overnights which I also wrote in the justification so that also helped I believe In getting the settlement in my favour (I earn 3x him)

I think you are right to not trust him. You did trust him and then he did this.

Thanks for the new thread OP, I'm invested in your journey and hoping for the best for you when he finally gets out in Saturday.
Of course he is doing the controlling speeches - silly man.
Hope the kids are doing ok.

Thank you @EverintroverteI will certainly keep everyone updated as to how Saturday goes. The kids are okay ish at the moment but I know that will change bless them.

@usererror99Yes I earn more than him and my pension is better also so I want to protect it for the future more than anything. I’m glad the judge saw through your ex!

@Theworldisyouroystercatcherexactly. I don’t trust anything he says now.

Have you changed the beneficiary on your pension? Your DH is likely currently down to get 100% if you die.

You are doing fantastic op! X

As I’ve read through the whole process and seen you getting stronger and more decisive I’m feeling really proud of you OP!

And with him calling you controlling, I would say that the words that spring to mind for him are ‘feckless’ and ‘narcissistic’.

I’d use them by chuckling after one of his off hand comments by saying “Poor kids, stuck between a controlling mother and a narcissistic father, but at least they have one parent that understands a tattoo is less important than a mattress…”

You are doing so well and once you’ve got through Saturday you’ll feel such a relief in your own home!

Honestly I can’t put into words how much I am looking forward to my home feeling like my home again. Somewhere safe and relaxing for me and the kids, where I don’t feel like I want to be away from it because he’s there.

Thank you, I didn’t think I’d find any strength when this all first started. I couldn’t see how my life would get any better, but day by day he is showing me more of who he really is.

Get them scanned and on the cloud too.

My current favourite is just “There We Are Then”. It’s an acronym. But don’t tell them that.

And hmmm is good too. Just like Simon from inbetweeners. Helps you save your words and mental energy for people who matter.

We will all be cheering you and your children on on Saturday. I hope you can have a lovely day together.