How to meet nice 40s to 50s women

[GeorgeA12]

Been a single dad for 15 years, worked hard and juggled to keep everything together. Daughter is going off to uni this year.

Thought it would be nice to meet someone again as will have more time for a relationship now. Looking for something meaningful. I'm 51, fit, tall, in good shape, good job but where do you start? I've tried OLD but it's always a nightmare! Any advice appreciated!

Thread title updated by MNHQ on OP's request

OP - you've been roasted unnecessarily by some people, but thankfully others have given useful advice.

I would echo those who suggest taking every possible opportunity to meet people In Real Life. Get out as often as you can, even if it's not something you really fancy - the church fundraiser probably won't be a wild evening out, but you may just meet someone who's got dragged into organising the raffle ....... You get my drift. Remember that all-male hobby groups probably won't have many women members (!) and I'd be surprised if you met a new partner at a gym.

Anything that brings you into contact with people may just bear fruit.

At least you don't have to contend with perverts who request 'full body shots so they can see what they're getting'.

Indeed.

Honestly there are so many entitled creeps out there. Some seem to think dating apps are OnlyFans but for free. Even if you have multiple pics on your profile they will ask to be sent more. And no doubt there will be the ones who push for “sexy pics”/ nudes off the app.

What some of my friends on there go through is awful. Now, they really are having a nightmare with online dating. And by that I mean much worse encounters than just someone appearing older than their pics or not being attracted to anyone yet after a few dates. Lol.

Although that said, I do have friends who eventually met their now husband/wife on tinder and hinge etc. It’s not all bad. For some!

What questions do you ask ahead of a date to figure out if you are initially compatible? What about a woman’s profile prompts you to message her? Do you have lots of detail on your own profile so a woman can best assess whether you are suited in her eyes?

Some good advice above (including steering clear of the term “females” - it can have a misogynistic ring to it, even if not intended). Also, you seem to be closing possibilities down very quickly. I’m not suggesting second dates with everyone but attraction can grow so the fact that there isn’t an instant spark doesn’t mean that there is no hope. I have fallen for numerous men in my 56 years and the attraction has grown over time, usually as i got to know and like them. Of course, that’s the advantage of shared activities; it allows friendship and perhaps attraction to evolve in a more relaxed way.

"What some of my friends on there go through is awful. Now, they really are having a nightmare with online dating. And by that I mean much worse encounters than just someone appearing older than their pics or not being attracted to anyone yet after a few dates. Lol."

Yes, gosh, this OP has so much unreflected privilege, it deserves some mockery 😂

OP, for you, OLD is a "nightmare" because your few dates were with women who used photos from when they were younger or that were doctored by AI, or women who were smokers when they said they were not smokers.

Note: nightmare = terrifying experience, situation, or ordeal.

For women, OLD literally exposes them to rape and murder by men. Women are trying to find a partner without getting killed or physically and emotionally brutalised. OLD sites are the hunting ground of rapists and predators, and there are very few consequences for them when they manage to trap a woman: in the UK, there are 75000 rapes annually, of which 5% lead to charges against the rapist, of which only half actually get convicted. OLD is a MASSIVE physical risk for women. It is literally TERRIFYING for women.

And btw, women are routinely catfished and lied to by men at least as often as men. Also btw they're also exposed to much more cyber emotional, mental, and sexual assault. Dick pics, verbal aggression and insults, cyber stalking - these are all things most women have experienced and have to endure while trying to find a partner via OLD.

And btw, you say you have a daughter about to go to university. You need to be much more aware of how common male violence on women and girls is. She needs to know this stuff, and to be prepared to avoid and defend herself from it.

You're a man on mumsnet. Watch out, the sharks are smelling blood...

Well I am indeed a late 40s single woman, alas I am not nice.

Good luck to you, think you’ve had a hard time on this thread. I’d advise not giving up on the OLD, you might stumble across someone nice.

Do you not think it's helpful to point out that certain words or phrases have been adopted by misogynistic groups of men and therefore often act as a red flag to women?
I think that's a useful bit of advice!

Yes but sometimes the 'man here!' threads get very tedious as everyone piles in...

People need to be aware that the word “females” is this generation’s “birds”. That some of you don’t realise it’s used in a misogynistic way doesn’t change the fact that OP could be inadvertently putting off decent women who ARE aware that men use “females” as a noun in misogynistic circles. It’s NOT the same as using female as an adjective and it’s nowhere near as problematic as using “males” for men, as there isn’t an online cohort of women setting up groups, clubs and academies to talk about how to brutally assault “males”.

I would definitely open up the age range.

My son (29) had set his parameters to 26-35 only. Then after a few dates with older women, he decided they were all wanting to have babies very soon, so he pulled the upper age down to 30. That meant his lower age got adjusted too. He matched with a 25 year old, and they have been together ever since (almost a year now).

I think the 54 year old you met, you didn't fancy her because she looked different to her pics, I feel that if you had found her attractive her age wouldn't have bothered you, or you wouldn't have gone on the date in the first place. Perhaps up your top age to 60. One of my neighbours is 60, and I almost fell over when she told me this! She doesn't look a day over 45. Slim, blonde, great figure, no wrinkles, really really pretty. No idea what her secret is! I don't know her well enough to probe, but my goodness she's stunning. Hilarious too.

Also, never ever ask for sexy photo's or send any dubious photo's of yourself. 99% of women would run a mile from that. Women are looking for genuine nice men, who haven't got 100 notches on the bed post. They don't want some Jack the Lad who is willing to send a dick pic to someone he's never met. It just screams sleaze ball/untrustworthy/likely to cheat etc.

I don't think there's anything wrong in him looking for women in their 40s/50s when he's 51. That's up to around 10 years in either direction.

George, I agree with the going out and doing hobbies, pursuing your interests etc. It's easier for a relationship to develop when you naturally have things in common. Don't just join things because there are likely to be women in general there.

I'm also 51 and have been with my partner for 5 years. We met nearly a decade ago though when I joined the band he sang with as the bass player. We go to a lot of gigs together, share similar tastes in music and are both interested in local history etc.

I hated OLD for the reasons you've experienced. But it was good for practising dating, meeting new people and having some interesting conversations and nice days/evenings out. It also meant I got a very clear idea of what my must haves and deal breakers were so that narrowed my focus somewhat.

I would definitely open up the age range.

His age range is 20 years!

Duplicate post

It isn't - he's stated early 40s to mid 50s.

If that’s his preference, then that’s fine - surely?

Just as a lot of would not date a man who is 5’3” (but that’s a whole different thread)!

I was replying to the quoted poster, clarifying that it wasn’t 10 years in both directions. HTH,

OLD is a MASSIVE physical risk for women. It is literally TERRIFYING for women.
And btw, women are routinely catfished and lied to by men at least as often as men. Also btw they're also exposed to much more cyber emotional, mental, and sexual assault. Dick pics, verbal aggression and insults, cyber stalking - these are all things most women have experienced and have to endure while trying to find a partner via OLD.

Yesss to all this and the rest ! I was trying to bite my lip and not go in too deep about what women face because I’d be here all day, but you’ve basically summed it all very nicely!

To hear this run of the mill experience of not being attracted to a date being described as a nightmare is a bit much considering the actual nightmarish experiences people - typically women - actually do have online.
It’s like read the room dude!