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Original poster

Gifts sent to our home from DHs female work colleague

446 replies

lolaflores · 25/03/2026 15:18

On Saturday a parcel came to the house addressed to DH. It said "Easter surprise inside!"
I assumed it was an early gift from family and thought no more.
He came down and looked surprised and thought it was family as well.
He opened it up and went scarlet! You could have fried rashers on his face. Then he started giggling and showed me. It was a box with 3 packs of M&Ms. On the front of it was a photo of DH and a woman who works with him. Printed on the side was "Happy Easter *, you're the best".
She did this at Xmas with expensive hamper but there was no message or at least nothing that stood out.

I gave it a few minutes and expressed my discomfort at this. The way the message was phrased and the photo of them on the box. She'd also made sure it was 3 packs of his favourite M&Ms.

He works away every other week. So does she. I've over heard her in the background while he was on the phone to me after work a couple of times telling DH everyone is off to the restaurant "r u coming? Ill save you a space. Shall I get a drink for you?"
She is a project assistant so he is her boss.

To me this feels inappropriate. I don't like that she has sent this to our home. The photo felt really off. The phrasing "you're the best!" All of which I expressed. What business has she using our home address when she knows exactly where he will be week to week?

In my working life I've never done this or even thought of doing this? Is it out of order? He played it down but it's been playing on my mind. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 3 years ago. Our life has changed a lot and I often wonder if he wouldn't be happier with someone who isn't disabled.

OP posts:
User3857377 · 27/03/2026 01:22

Christ, what an over reaction. It just sounds like an inside joke. Totally normal to know what a colleagues favourite snack is, some people have even said knowing that is weird. Totally stretching. Not every workplace is extremely formal that this is breaching hierarchy and many don't even have an HR department, it's such a typical MN response to suggest going straight to HR.

Nearly50omg · 27/03/2026 01:29

lolaflores · 26/03/2026 21:35

And I asked DH if she knows about the fibro and he said yes.
So I added, she may have a target on your back because I am disabled and she thinks she'd be doing you a favour.

Show quote history

Why has he shared your personal medical information with his colleagues? I’d be livid!

Ladyingreen999 · 27/03/2026 01:43

GaIadriel · 26/03/2026 22:50

I think this is a bit of a stretch tbh. No young woman is going to chase a middle aged man who you admit is 'no sex pot' just to do him a favour. Especially if she's the confident type who likely isn't shy around men.

It's entirely possible that she's the first person in her family to have a professional job and it's a big deal for them. Hence going a bit overboard on the gifting, which is already part of the culture. It's far more common for Polish women to work in hospitality/as cleaners etc. And Poland is quite traditional in terms of gender stereotypes. If your husband has been a supportive boss and treated her as an equal to her male peers then maybe she is genuinely grateful and does actually think he's 'the best'.

Show quote history

I'm sure you don't mean it but theres so much stereotyping in one post. It's not the norm for a Polish/EE person who has lived here for over 20 years to be a cleaner/waitress... And why assume she is likely the first person in her family to have a professional job - are Polish people living in Poland also all cleaners?

Re the gift, it would be seen as as creepy there as it is here. If not more, as family/marriage is considered sacred.

CrazyGoatLady · 27/03/2026 01:45

MN can be hilarious for "every woman wants to steal your husband" type batshittery. That thread about the woman who wouldn't swap plane seats with the poster so she could sit with her DH and then had the audacity to have a conversation with him went from slightly over chatty passenger to husband stealing hussy in 3 pages. Prime example.

This, however, is not your average MN batshittery. Sending gifts with selfies attached to someone's home address is, well, weird and a bit bunny boilerish. A thank you card and some chocolate given at work if someone's gone above and beyond to support you, fine, but this is way beyond an acceptable level of professional gratitude expression. Maybe it's a strategy that's worked in the past, or maybe she's lonely and lacks connection, who knows. But it's way inappropriate. Hopefully the steps taken will resolve it and create some distance.

I am also mindful of the tendency to place blame on women for what may be a DH problem. Not saying your DH is doing anything shifty OP, but it does sound like he hasn't been great with boundaries. I've an introverted and slightly conflict avoidant DH too and can imagine him just trying to brush off/ignore this type of thing, but it frustrates me when things then build up because he doesn't want to have a hard conversation. It sounds like he has done it now, but perhaps it could have done with being nipped in the bud sooner, before she started thinking they were becoming outside work friends rather than just colleagues. It is possible to set boundaries kindly, it doesn't have to be done in a mean way.

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 27/03/2026 03:19

lolaflores · 25/03/2026 15:18

On Saturday a parcel came to the house addressed to DH. It said "Easter surprise inside!"
I assumed it was an early gift from family and thought no more.
He came down and looked surprised and thought it was family as well.
He opened it up and went scarlet! You could have fried rashers on his face. Then he started giggling and showed me. It was a box with 3 packs of M&Ms. On the front of it was a photo of DH and a woman who works with him. Printed on the side was "Happy Easter *, you're the best".
She did this at Xmas with expensive hamper but there was no message or at least nothing that stood out.

I gave it a few minutes and expressed my discomfort at this. The way the message was phrased and the photo of them on the box. She'd also made sure it was 3 packs of his favourite M&Ms.

He works away every other week. So does she. I've over heard her in the background while he was on the phone to me after work a couple of times telling DH everyone is off to the restaurant "r u coming? Ill save you a space. Shall I get a drink for you?"
She is a project assistant so he is her boss.

To me this feels inappropriate. I don't like that she has sent this to our home. The photo felt really off. The phrasing "you're the best!" All of which I expressed. What business has she using our home address when she knows exactly where he will be week to week?

In my working life I've never done this or even thought of doing this? Is it out of order? He played it down but it's been playing on my mind. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 3 years ago. Our life has changed a lot and I often wonder if he wouldn't be happier with someone who isn't disabled.

I would have done the opposite to you @lolaflores, I would have asked my DH to not tell her to not send private things to him via your home, as I would want to know everytime he received a gift from her.

However, I would have asked him to tell her that private gifts to him, or letters, or photos of them together etc, were all inappropriate, and made him feel very uncomfortable. I would also ask my DH to tell this other woman, that as her gift to him was unappropriate, he had given the sweets to a neighbour's child.

If she then ever does that again, he will need to tell her that unfortunately, they can no longer continue working together in the same office, and as he is the boss, and, therefore, can't leave the office, she will have to be the one to leave.

But, I would not want my DH to mention me in relation to her behaviour at all, as I worry that she would actually enjoy having that sort of power over either, or, both, of us.....

StarryStaryNight · 27/03/2026 03:24

Two women I know had sent gifts to guys they were not dating but interested in.
Both cases the gifts were sent back, no note. One was mailed back, one was left on her doorstep.
I feel those were the appropiate response.
Your dh should mail them back. She is over stepping. As her boss he should not be accepting gifts.

SweetnsourNZ · 27/03/2026 04:52

She needs a lesson in corporate etiquette at the very least. Gifts should never go up the chain. Unless things have changed recently.
Sending a gift to your home with that photo is definitely inappropriate.
Does she do this to all her work colleagues? I don't know anything about Polish culture so don't know if being Polish has any bearing on this.

SweetnsourNZ · 27/03/2026 04:57

CanaryLibra · 25/03/2026 15:51

Oh come on, sending flowers to a sick colleague is completely different.

Have you ever sent a photo of yourself and a colleague, telling them “you’re the best”, to their home address? Would you? I doubt it.

Show quote history

Think this is when it's ok especially if you were friends with this collegue. However most workplaces would send a joint bouquet in these cases either paid for by the firm or a staff whip round.

SweetnsourNZ · 27/03/2026 05:05

RoughGuide · 25/03/2026 15:49

But what needs to be 'done next'? Your DH says 'Look, thanks for the M and Ms, but giving presents outside the annual Secret Santa is inappropriate, and please don't ever send anything to my home address, ever.'

Show quote history

This sums it up perfectly.

Elektra1 · 27/03/2026 05:14

Why/how does she know his home address would be my main question. I get on well with my colleagues and I don’t even know the names of the roads they live on, never mind their exact addresses.

FlyingApple · 27/03/2026 05:54

Is your husband good looking, loyal and committed to your family? My DH gets women who act like this with him wherever he goes, it makes him very uncomfortable but I think they try extra hard because they want the guy that's not interested.

SomeOtherUser · 27/03/2026 07:12

I still think your husband having a quiet word privately asking her not to give him gifts as it's not appropriate would have been a good first step. It sounds like it's been blown massively out of proportion with several people involved and her being moved to another project. If she really was just trying to ingratiate herself, she must be feeling pretty humiliated right about now.

Lavenderblue11 · 27/03/2026 07:16

TokyoSushi · 25/03/2026 15:22

She wants you to know she exists, in what capacity, I don't know, but she wants to be 'known.'

This...

RoughGuide · 27/03/2026 07:33

lolaflores · 26/03/2026 21:32

No disrespect to my DH, he is no Sex Pot but he is a very shy, decent human. He isn't one for grand gestures. He'll do stuff around you and it's his way of showing his love. A gift from anyone, his family, his kids, grand kids makes him so uncomfortable as he isn't really able to demonstrate gratitude. He feels put on the spot. If he can wander in sideways and put a shelf up, or mend a squeaky hinge; that's his code for I love you and this is how much I love you.
Our 1st dance at our wedding was an exquisite torture for him cos he doesn't dance and he hates having any attention on him.
We did a little shuffle about and that was it. He did his best, he survived but the sweat was running off him and he went straight to the loo. I appreciated he did it for me and that is why I love him

Show quote history

Which all makes it even more unlikely that a confident, ambitious younger colleague decided to express her uncontrollable attraction to a middle-aged married man who is so shy he can’t handle being given a present by immediate family without crippling embarrassment by sending him a dorky present at home.

Honestly, mad overreaction all round.

Tuesdayschild50 · 27/03/2026 07:48

I'd be fuming at this how dare she cheeky bitch has stepped way over the line .. and shouting in the background I'd be outside his work waiting to have a word in her ear.
Seriously .. hope you're feeling ok.

GaIadriel · 27/03/2026 07:53

RoughGuide · 27/03/2026 07:33

Which all makes it even more unlikely that a confident, ambitious younger colleague decided to express her uncontrollable attraction to a middle-aged married man who is so shy he can’t handle being given a present by immediate family without crippling embarrassment by sending him a dorky present at home.

Honestly, mad overreaction all round.

Show quote history

Indeed. People love stirring up the drama on here.

Tuesdayschild50 · 27/03/2026 08:04

I've read your updates but how do you know he has dealt with this in the way he has told you .. he must be well versed in dealing with situations so I feel he is balancing home and work life in telling you what you want to hear.
Don't be to trusting I know it upsets the home life to feel these feelings but don't just trust what he says completely.
I would say to your husband if you so much as get a jelly tot to your home again you will speak to her face to face.
I don't feel he will pursue this your way in work he will feel embarrassed especially if it has been flirty .. I mean a picture of them on the box come on that's one cheeky bitch .

RoughGuide · 27/03/2026 08:14

Tuesdayschild50 · 27/03/2026 08:04

I've read your updates but how do you know he has dealt with this in the way he has told you .. he must be well versed in dealing with situations so I feel he is balancing home and work life in telling you what you want to hear.
Don't be to trusting I know it upsets the home life to feel these feelings but don't just trust what he says completely.
I would say to your husband if you so much as get a jelly tot to your home again you will speak to her face to face.
I don't feel he will pursue this your way in work he will feel embarrassed especially if it has been flirty .. I mean a picture of them on the box come on that's one cheeky bitch .

This is a hapless, shy middle-aged man who is so easily embarrassed he can’t handle being given a present by his own grandchildren, and whose scarlet-faced reaction to the present is entirely in keeping with the OP’s description of his usual behaviour. There is absolutely no evidence he is some kind of Machiavellian lovegod telling the OP sweet nothings and ‘well versed’ in managing workplace flirtations or affairs. Or that he is a likely recipient, willing or not, of the romantic obsession of an ambitious younger colleague.

Bournetilly · 27/03/2026 08:26

I’d definitely report this. This is more than sucking up to her boss, the photo of them is weird.

Epidote · 27/03/2026 08:26

She is an attention seeker and your husband is her target. Either he stops this now or it will end badly because he will infatuated himself with his nice assistance and physically cheat and detach from you, if he is not doing that right now.
She may not be interested in him physically, she may think he can get her a promotion or whatever but what is doing is making herself noticed not only at work also in his house, his private life and his wife mind which is unacceptable.
It feels out of order because is out of order what she is doing.

Original poster
lolaflores · 27/03/2026 08:29

CrazyGoatLady · 27/03/2026 01:45

MN can be hilarious for "every woman wants to steal your husband" type batshittery. That thread about the woman who wouldn't swap plane seats with the poster so she could sit with her DH and then had the audacity to have a conversation with him went from slightly over chatty passenger to husband stealing hussy in 3 pages. Prime example.

This, however, is not your average MN batshittery. Sending gifts with selfies attached to someone's home address is, well, weird and a bit bunny boilerish. A thank you card and some chocolate given at work if someone's gone above and beyond to support you, fine, but this is way beyond an acceptable level of professional gratitude expression. Maybe it's a strategy that's worked in the past, or maybe she's lonely and lacks connection, who knows. But it's way inappropriate. Hopefully the steps taken will resolve it and create some distance.

I am also mindful of the tendency to place blame on women for what may be a DH problem. Not saying your DH is doing anything shifty OP, but it does sound like he hasn't been great with boundaries. I've an introverted and slightly conflict avoidant DH too and can imagine him just trying to brush off/ignore this type of thing, but it frustrates me when things then build up because he doesn't want to have a hard conversation. It sounds like he has done it now, but perhaps it could have done with being nipped in the bud sooner, before she started thinking they were becoming outside work friends rather than just colleagues. It is possible to set boundaries kindly, it doesn't have to be done in a mean way.

You mention conflict avoidance and that is very much a feature of DH. He woukd absolutely do his best to not want to be "rude' and so try to ignore behaviour that should not be ignored and he would much rather not have to go to either his boss or HR saying a member of staff has behaved in this way.

OP posts:
CrazyGoatLady · 27/03/2026 09:24

Tuesdayschild50 · 27/03/2026 07:48

I'd be fuming at this how dare she cheeky bitch has stepped way over the line .. and shouting in the background I'd be outside his work waiting to have a word in her ear.
Seriously .. hope you're feeling ok.

Please don't take this advice OP. Waiting outside someone's workplace to have a go isn't going to help matters at all. You don't want to end up putting her in an innocent victim role. This needs to be handled in an adult way, it's not the schoolyard. DH needs to be the one to step up and stop this woman intruding into your home life. Nobody can say for sure whether she's a potential bunny boiler or just over friendly and lacking in self awareness/understanding of appropriate boundaries, but in a way intention is not even relevant. It's not appropriate and hopefully the word that's been had with her will leave her in no doubt that this isn't ok without anybody needing to have shouting matches in the street!

Sartre · 27/03/2026 09:40

This happened to me shortly after marrying DH. An older female colleague very clearly had a crush on him. She wasn’t attractive and was probably a decade older so DH wasn’t interested and he also naively thought she was just being nice… I said it was very, very clear she had a thing for him and it was incredibly cringe-worthy. It ramped up after we married for some reason, like she was jealous and got a thrill out of it.

She gave him a stupid nickname and basically gifted him a bracelet with this on which DH brought home to be transparent with me but chucked it in the bin. She also would turn up to work with his favourite snacks. Then one day got him a mug that said “Olive you” Shock. That is when he realised he had to nip it in the bud. She had drunkenly confessed to having a very long affair with a married man in the past so, a pattern. She also would text him rambling messages sometimes at 3am!

This woman has massively overstepped and it goes beyond being friendly. I’m a literature lecturer so I have gifted books to male colleagues and them me but this was not a romantic gesture, there’s a difference. Finding your home address and sending a gift with a photo of the two of them attached is actually creepy. Sounds like she’s a bit obsessed with him. She obviously also wanted you to find it otherwise she’d have given him it at work… I’m glad words have been had, I hope she feels awkward and stops being a weirdo.

Kelly1969 · 27/03/2026 09:40

Omg 😳 either they’re having an affair or the woman would like to start an affair!
Why else would she stir up trouble like this, I would not be happy that he’s working away at all knowing this!

deste · 27/03/2026 09:41

I wouldnt think anything of that. Perhaps its one of these work places everyone gets on really well. She probably thought it was funny. She may have sent similar to others. How many people come on here saying their other halfs hate their jobs. If i heard someone ask my DH at work if they want to go to the restaurant with the others I would’nt care.