Gifts sent to our home from DHs female work colleague

[lolaflores]

On Saturday a parcel came to the house addressed to DH. It said "Easter surprise inside!"
I assumed it was an early gift from family and thought no more.
He came down and looked surprised and thought it was family as well.
He opened it up and went scarlet! You could have fried rashers on his face. Then he started giggling and showed me. It was a box with 3 packs of M&Ms. On the front of it was a photo of DH and a woman who works with him. Printed on the side was "Happy Easter *, you're the best".
She did this at Xmas with expensive hamper but there was no message or at least nothing that stood out.

I gave it a few minutes and expressed my discomfort at this. The way the message was phrased and the photo of them on the box. She'd also made sure it was 3 packs of his favourite M&Ms.

He works away every other week. So does she. I've over heard her in the background while he was on the phone to me after work a couple of times telling DH everyone is off to the restaurant "r u coming? Ill save you a space. Shall I get a drink for you?"
She is a project assistant so he is her boss.

To me this feels inappropriate. I don't like that she has sent this to our home. The photo felt really off. The phrasing "you're the best!" All of which I expressed. What business has she using our home address when she knows exactly where he will be week to week?

In my working life I've never done this or even thought of doing this? Is it out of order? He played it down but it's been playing on my mind. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 3 years ago. Our life has changed a lot and I often wonder if he wouldn't be happier with someone who isn't disabled.

Sure.
But don't send them to his home address.
She went and found our address to send her gift to him with a pic of her and him onbthe side with a message telling him he is the best.

He is and he's been sound during all my health stuff. It's changed our lives as a couple completely. I don't work now. I Need a wheelchair when we go out to places. He pushes me when we go out and I have struggled to adapt to that image of us. And of course our sex life is drastically different which only adds to my insecurity.

She has hit a very raw nerve

this was my first thought, that something is going on or about to happen and by sending this to the house, might cause an argument which results in an admission.

Agree.

This is just complete bullshit.

I'm sorry to read about your daily struggles since you were diagnosed. It is very unfair you are trying to navigate this on top of it.

I'm so reluctant to say anything that will hurt you. I think there is more to come out and I just hope you have support around you.

Where was this photo taken or did she take two separate pictures and put them together and make a joint photo? Sorry if I’ve missed it somewhere.

It’s outrageous and if doesn’t acknowledge how inappropriate I’d be really worried

You’ve been DISRESPECTED that’s the focus, not threatened

I can't help thinking this is not innocent. If it is why did he go red? I wonder what would have happened had he opened the parcel when you were not in the room. I hope I am wrong, but as you say things have changed for you recently. He may feel flattered by her gestures and is therefore giving off the wrong signals. In my opinion she wants you to know you have competition by sending these things to your home. It's inappropriate and very worrying. Sorry I can't be more positive, but I have been here and it's horrible.

I imagine she'd probs be mortified if she knew the drama it caused. Especially if she was trying to suck up to him. I had a Lithuanian admin assistant years ago and she was a bit OTT with the gifting. Never anything sent to my house but regularly coming in to find homemade cakes on my desk etc. Like all the time.

It's just the 2 of them. He is sitting down she is standing beside him but crouching down a bit and she's taking the selfie. It looks like an office because the lighting is bright and it's all neutral blank wall behind. She's got a big animated face and DH looks ok. His usual photo face which reads as "fuck off, I hate this so much". She seems oblivious to his not especially overjoyed face. It feels like the photo is about her. It doesn't look AI and he said its the office alright and thefe was no special reason for her to do this like a works do.

Probably went red through referred embarrassment.

And since I posted that I've aired more of my hreivace with him and thats been explained to him. The disrespect. Total and complete disrespect to me by invading our privacy like this as if she has a right to come into our home uninvited, using our private information to send an unwanted gift.

Thus sounds like something a very immature person would do or she knows you are insecure about having fybromyalga

No disrespect to my DH, he is no Sex Pot but he is a very shy, decent human. He isn't one for grand gestures. He'll do stuff around you and it's his way of showing his love. A gift from anyone, his family, his kids, grand kids makes him so uncomfortable as he isn't really able to demonstrate gratitude. He feels put on the spot. If he can wander in sideways and put a shelf up, or mend a squeaky hinge; that's his code for I love you and this is how much I love you.
Our 1st dance at our wedding was an exquisite torture for him cos he doesn't dance and he hates having any attention on him.
We did a little shuffle about and that was it. He did his best, he survived but the sweat was running off him and he went straight to the loo. I appreciated he did it for me and that is why I love him

And I asked DH if she knows about the fibro and he said yes.
So I added, she may have a target on your back because I am disabled and she thinks she'd be doing you a favour.

Split it up and hide it in various bizarre places based on suggestions of PPs. Don't hide it all in one place!

100% strange, I’ve worked in offices before where occasionally someone will, for example, leave a crunchie on everyone’s desk with a thank crunchie it’s Friday post it…or give everyone a cheap Easter egg near Christmas or Easter, but never person specific and NEVER posted to their house! Also, the picture of them is a league of its own

Could you go to his workplace and let yourself be seen with your husband? Maybe take the M&Ms and share them with people there?!
Or pop in with a "I was in the area, so I thought I'd pop in & see if you were free for lunch?"

I think this is a bit of a stretch tbh. No young woman is going to chase a middle aged man who you admit is 'no sex pot' just to do him a favour. Especially if she's the confident type who likely isn't shy around men.

It's entirely possible that she's the first person in her family to have a professional job and it's a big deal for them. Hence going a bit overboard on the gifting, which is already part of the culture. It's far more common for Polish women to work in hospitality/as cleaners etc. And Poland is quite traditional in terms of gender stereotypes. If your husband has been a supportive boss and treated her as an equal to her male peers then maybe she is genuinely grateful and does actually think he's 'the best'.

Christ, do not do this. 😆

@lolaflores Why would he share your private health issues with a work colleague who is trouble and a pain??
I would be even more angry at that than the home delivery .

She is trying to stir

Love this 🤣

She sounds like a loose cannon that could go off and drag DH down with her when she gets moved onto a different project. He needs to send the picture to HR with the note and tell them 3x M&Ms were sent with it to your home address. He could say he wants no action taken at present but for them to be aware of it and that he’s told her it’s unprofessional. If she turns and points the finger at him, HR have this detail and it may help. Re your DH and what he’s up to, if anything, trust your gut

I know! Those kids were delighted. The mum sent me home quth a plate of lovely biscuits and pastry so it was win win!