Gifts sent to our home from DHs female work colleague

[lolaflores]

On Saturday a parcel came to the house addressed to DH. It said "Easter surprise inside!"
I assumed it was an early gift from family and thought no more.
He came down and looked surprised and thought it was family as well.
He opened it up and went scarlet! You could have fried rashers on his face. Then he started giggling and showed me. It was a box with 3 packs of M&Ms. On the front of it was a photo of DH and a woman who works with him. Printed on the side was "Happy Easter *, you're the best".
She did this at Xmas with expensive hamper but there was no message or at least nothing that stood out.

I gave it a few minutes and expressed my discomfort at this. The way the message was phrased and the photo of them on the box. She'd also made sure it was 3 packs of his favourite M&Ms.

He works away every other week. So does she. I've over heard her in the background while he was on the phone to me after work a couple of times telling DH everyone is off to the restaurant "r u coming? Ill save you a space. Shall I get a drink for you?"
She is a project assistant so he is her boss.

To me this feels inappropriate. I don't like that she has sent this to our home. The photo felt really off. The phrasing "you're the best!" All of which I expressed. What business has she using our home address when she knows exactly where he will be week to week?

In my working life I've never done this or even thought of doing this? Is it out of order? He played it down but it's been playing on my mind. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 3 years ago. Our life has changed a lot and I often wonder if he wouldn't be happier with someone who isn't disabled.

Yes. She knows very well I'm here. And I also asked how she has our address and wtf does she think she's at using it. I told him it felt like an invasion. Like she's come in uninvited. It's much too personal for a work relationshio

To you knowledge, has your husband ever sent her any gifts?

It seems a bit odd but also quite sweet. I think if the person isn't from the UK they probably don't get work culture so much. I also thinking demanding that he tell her 'not to do it again' would be very embarrassing for her, and you shouldn't do that. At least you can see she's not sending an egg with her pants wrapped around it.

I can’t believe you’ve done nothing other than what you’ve written.

Ok but what did he say?!

So how has she got your address? He’s either given it to her or if this was me I think I’d be contacting their hr department asking how the hell she has my personal address

Well now he can’t return them to her and say it’s inappropriate for him to accept them.
While she goes the same colour and learns not to do that again.

Actually the more I think about this the more I think it’s a matter for your DH to take to HR.

If your DH has given her absolutely no indication that this kind of thing is appropriate or welcome at all, much less to his home address, then a discussion needs to be had with her about professional boundaries.

This would be strange enough if she’d handed this ‘gift’ over in work. But sent to your home? Nah. And a photo of the two of them together, how did that come about?

Nah, she's marking her territory.

Don't let it slide OP - don't be concerned about rocking the boat.

She either has the hots for him unreciprocated, or DH is developing an inappropriate relationship in which case DH needs to be crystal clear that whatever this is ends now and they need to stop exchanging messages outside of work and work messages need to be work related.

That sounds like a massive overreaction to me. A junior colleague overstepped and did something embarrassing. It was three packets of M and Ms, not the colleague jumping naked out of an Easter egg.

I'd probably have felt embarrassed for her, and suggested DH might want to find out how she got his address and to nip it in the bud if it's a crush rather than her misguided attempts to get ahead at work. But I don't think I'd give it another thought, otherwise.

I don't want to escalate it. I don't want to look like I'm insecure or threatened ans that's for myself as much as anyone else.
I have the feeling he will dismiss my feelings or I won't feel reassured by it. I've come to Mumsnet so I can air the worst of my suspicions rather than leave them multiplying in my mind and make a decision what to do next. Find the words I suppose.

He went red coz he knows how utterly inappropriate it is

I really cant understand this. You are his wife.

@lolaflores

Did you ask him how she got your home address?

How did she know those were his favourite sweets?

How much time do they spend together at work discussing things like M&M flavours?

Do they text outside of work? If yes, can he show you the messages?

Has he ever sent her any gifts?

Why does he think that she thinks this is appropriate?

Is he planning to tell her that this is inappropriate and to please not send gifts to his family home?

Etc

If she's a project assistant then it's not hard to imagine how she might have his address - travel expenses, admin forms, etc.

Honestly the way women on Mumsnet react to stuff like this baffles me. It's M&Ms and a cheery note sent to the house where his wife is living. How is this possibly "marking her territory"?

He told me that she is a due for a review and wants a good outcome.

If you are professional, you are not supposed to use personal information gained from travel expenses etc to send personal items to people.

Marking territory - don’t know about that.

Observing professional boundaries - absolutely missing here.

I said I thought it was an HR matter because of the home address and the wording of the message and because it made me uncomfortable.
I also said I'd be happy to have a word myself with her and explain why I didn't appreciate her gesture.

No you aren't supposed to, but people do it all the time. I've sent flowers to sick colleagues etc. by wheedling their addresses out of people at work or just because I've signed a million forms with their address on. No one in real life gives a flying shit.

She obviously didn't think he'd be remotely bothered!

These were my thoughts. It's entirely unprofessional. I don't onownif it's flirty or just sucking up to the boss. Which is what he thinks it is.
And yes I'm sure having his personal details is part of her job but she should also be aware it's personal and not for her to use as she sees fit.

What was in the Christmas pamper? And why did he say it was inappropriate then?

Your DH cannot send his wife in to lecture his sub-ordinate who he is about to give an annual appraisal too. He will be fired.

It’s not about the M&Ms

its been sent to his home address unnecessarily
it has a photo of them together
saying he is the best
he goes bright red on opening it

Could she be trying to force his hand? It’s definitely odd