Starting to suspect I am not invited for Christmas

[jellytiger]

I've had relationships over the years, but for one reason or another have always spent christmas with my parents- even if a partner has come with me, or we have hosted both sets of parents.

I was always close with my brother until him and his wife had a baby, at which point I stopped really being invited to things. It caused a fair amount of division- me feeling isolated, and confused as to why, but also hurt that my parents saw this happening but wouldnt stick up for me as they didn't want to lose access to their grandchild.

This year there has been no mention to me of christmas. I don't know what I am doing, and suspect my parents have been invited to my brothers, and they want to accept to spend the day with their grandson, but they don't want to tell me what they have decided because I think the expectation is that I will have to spend it alone.

I am feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, as I am pregnant, and am struggling to work out if my feeling of tearfulness is because of hormones or justified. I feel if I tell my parents I'm expecting then they will tell my brother he has to start inviting me to things again and not excluding me, but equally I want to be there because my parents want me there, not because I am providing them with another grandchild.

Honestly. I know you are feeling vulnerable, but if I was in your position,‘I would take it as a day to spent time watching what I want, spa style treatments and indulging in (non alcoholic) cocktails without getting out of (new) pyjamas. Next year will be crazy fun with a new baby. Enjoy one indulgent day all for you! You need to not think of it as a negative! Buy a luxury meal for one of your favourite foods and a posh desert! If you are feeling sorry for yourself you will feel sad all day. If you call it “my selfish Christmas” it has a whole other connotation. Your partner won’t feel
bad about going to see his family and it’s two fingers up to yours. Tell them about the pregnancy when it’s too late for them to switch their plans and make them feel bad!!

Yes she might well return yet
Completely comprehend how we can open up a wound then naturally numerous souls wishing to help, ask questions & it can get slightly too close to the bone - Too emotionally painful, opening a can of worms & like ripping a plaster off 😥Totally empathise, especially in matters of the heart, in concerns with precious family
It's like the double edged sword - You need to open up to seek guidance but opening up can also be immensely painful 🙏🫂🙏I'm praying original commenter is ok & just processing the well meaning guidance given 💚

It’s very scary having a premature baby and hope you don’t experience that yourself. You are literally told by midwives and doctors to protect your baby in this way.
Could it be that your brother and SIL knew that you were dismissing their keeping baby safe by saying it was “pfb syndrome”? I would have found that very offensive when I had my premature babies, you wouldn’t have been invited to the following Christmas.

I'm confused why you can't just phone your mum and ask what their plan is for Christmas? What is posting here going to do?

Congratulations on your baby. I’d just tell your parents you’re expecting they’ll be thrilled I bet and then say “what’s the plan for Xmas day” quite casually and leave it at that let them sort it out

Yes completely comprehend it would be so lovely, if it were the norm for original commenter & natural, within the dynamics of her relationship with her family, to just communicate directly with them 💚
It should be's straightforward as this
Sadly, it's not always so simple & there's oftentimes some members in families, whom don't communicate honestly & openly - Much less accept that other family members would like to be permitted to be open & honest -
Sadly we have a family member like this - We're Forevermore walking on eggshells, frightened of upsetting him & it has rippling effects on everyone else - So we're all expected to do guess work, be mind readers, because we don't wish to rock the ridiculous boat of the non communicator
Everyone's expected to sing from his silly songsheet - So I really empathise if this type of attitude, has a factor in why original commenter can't ask what should be, a perfectly normal & natural question 💚

The fact you haven't even told your parents you are pregnant suggests there's a strange family dynamic going on. So it's difficult to give an opinion tbh.

When you hosted “both sets of parents” in the past, did you include your DB, DSIL and Dear Niece/ Nephew? Parts of this story are missing. Congrats on your pregnancy! Enjoy your last “quiet, restful” Christmas, there won’t be any more… 😄

To be fair she could be very early on

Re: This year there has been no mention to me of christmas ...

>
Simply DO the usual thing - Invite YOURself

BUT respect it IS Christmas ...
> Let them HAVE their dinner AS expected
Turn up for drinks (gifts in hand) - In old money AFTER the Queens speech
Timing IS essential

No chance you can go with your partner? That sounds like way more fun then a bunch of people who would leave you on your own

As you’re still quite early, is there any way you’d be able to join your partner to visit his family? As the mother of the next arrival in the family, I bet they’d love to meet you. And you’d be so busy getting to know everyone that you wouldn’t have time to dwell on your family being a bit crap.

I think you’re right; your parents are intending on going to your brother’s at Christmas and no invite is going to be extended to you. I’d hope that they’re thinking you’ll be with your partner, rather than them knowing you’ll be on your own but, if not, you have to deal with the fact that they’ve made a choice. That does free you up to do whatever you like forevermore more when it comes to Christmases in the future though.

are you solo parenting OP? If not perhaps you were invited because they think you are spending it with your new partner? (Even though they don’t know about the pregnant?

Why would they think that when OP's partner always goes home to NZ, OP always spends it with parents and has not stated any changes? How would that account for the awkward silence and shifting the conversation when OP tried to bring it up?

I’m a bit confused. Your partner is going to New Zealand to spend time with his family and nephew he hasn’t met and you are here pregnant and alone over the festive period? Could he not go after Christmas Day?

That's not an adult life, fgs.🙄
It is not unreasonable to be sad and confused when your own family suddenly sort of ghost you.

Why people think this type of behaviour should have no effect is astounding.

Yes completely concur, very valid point 💚

OP explained that.
He always goes to NZ for Christmas.
She rightfully assumed she'd be with her own parents as she has always done.
He booked his ticket.
She's been inexplicably ghosted by her family.

Why would your parents be invited but not you, his sister? That sounds awful!

Even if it would not be, she should be congratulated, isn't it?

She hasn't been ghosted by her family ffs. Her parents have clearly been invited to Christmas at her brother's and that's what they have chosen to do. They don't need to come as a package - they are all fully grown and independent adults. OP just needs to make her own arrangements for once.

Yes it seems cruel 😥🙏

Yes forevermore lovely to be congratulated on the birth of your precious Children - My dear Mum was one of 12 & She oftentimes spoke of the excitement & wondrous wishes given to Her own Mum, on the birth of Her lovely siblings 🤗

Im going against the grain your dbro is entitled to have his dp over at Christmas he shouldnt have to host yourself. You have a partner and are having a baby you should be a priority to him not flying away.

We never had inlaws over or invited as sil monopolises their time so our kids gets over looked. So we have our own Christmas. There's definitely more to the story here.

Sorry but something sounds very off here. People, especially families don't just shut down on a family member unless there is a reason of some sort.