Starting to suspect I am not invited for Christmas

[jellytiger]

I've had relationships over the years, but for one reason or another have always spent christmas with my parents- even if a partner has come with me, or we have hosted both sets of parents.

I was always close with my brother until him and his wife had a baby, at which point I stopped really being invited to things. It caused a fair amount of division- me feeling isolated, and confused as to why, but also hurt that my parents saw this happening but wouldnt stick up for me as they didn't want to lose access to their grandchild.

This year there has been no mention to me of christmas. I don't know what I am doing, and suspect my parents have been invited to my brothers, and they want to accept to spend the day with their grandson, but they don't want to tell me what they have decided because I think the expectation is that I will have to spend it alone.

I am feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, as I am pregnant, and am struggling to work out if my feeling of tearfulness is because of hormones or justified. I feel if I tell my parents I'm expecting then they will tell my brother he has to start inviting me to things again and not excluding me, but equally I want to be there because my parents want me there, not because I am providing them with another grandchild.

This is so horrible of them. They are not good parents if they would leave you to have Christmas alone rather than dare to ask their other child to include you. I’m so sorry , it must be very hurtful.

You make it sound as if she's some sort of bother. It's a small family that always spends the holiday together. Suddenly no one wants to talk about it.
"She just needs to make her own plans for once?"
FGS, why is it so bloody awkward and secretive, then?

At the end of the day until she pulls her big girl pants on and outright asks and ensures she gets an answer, she won't know.

I don't know why some people seem to think DB has to invite her BUT if her parents have other plans then they should make it clear so OP can make her own Christmas arrangements if she goes every year.

Lots of people suggesting using pregnancy as a weapon or similar. That's not a way to start the next chapter of your lives as a family. It's a Christmas dinner not the end of the world.

Also feel OP is missing part of the story here about wht DB wouldn't invite her. Her reference to 'PFB syndrome' tells me a lot about the attitude they'd have had from her.

Agree on all points.

And you allow it to be diverted? Why can't you ask them straight, what are you doing for Xmas? I'm genuinely struggling to understand how a family would avoid discussing it.

Think that is the point tbh, her parents should want to include her in the families plans if that is always been the set up. At times I have spent Xmas day with friends families most of the time I worked Xmas day.

So first of all congratulations on your pregnancy, how wonderful!

this to me reads as pregnancy hormones BUT I would question if your brother has pulled away due to lack of support/interest after baby was born. You keep referring to baby as your parents grandson but that’s your nephew too, you don’t sound all that invested in his life. I would probably phone brother/parents and say “I’m really excited for Xmas this year what are the plans, what do you guys want me to bring or I’ll be up for hosting” I think some effort needs to be made on your part.

good luck

pop round and talk Xmas face to face - first with parents then with your brother go out somewhere neutral if you need to … but talking without judgement or blame will help clear the air
good luck

Family isn’t just about your new family when you have a child - when you raise your children do you honestly feel you’ve done a good job if they reach adulthood and become so uncaring … she is a single guest whoever is hosting we have a growing problem with loneliness in the UK ..so think how it can make someone feel to be excluded …it’s just not justified unless their is a vocalised family breakdown … how you go forward this year Op will set the tone for future family cohesion so work on communication to bring all your family on board and remind them that Xmas is about family and giving ( time not presents )

You are right no more peace Christmas time! But the joys of having kids is amazing. Christmas also becomes magical again.

I think you just need to ask outright, hopefully there’s just been crossed wires?

Think you need to have a strsight conversation with them all. No bullshit.

@jellytiger kindly op it could be this?

Do maybe try to have an honest, calm, conversation with your brother about it, but some people can really struggle with delivering, and receiving, painful truths, so you may never really get an honest answer sadly.

Concentrate on your own new family.

@jellytiger 🤦‍♀️ sorry, I should have read the updates….

so it’s a them thing, not necessarily a you thing then… just ask, explain you’re trying to get organised and see what plans can be made.

To be fair even if they did invite me I wouldn’t want to go somewhere I don’t feel welcome. You said you don’t want to tell your parents as they will tell your brother to include you. I do think if you told them you were pregnant they would invite you so if you do want to go tell them and stuff whether or not your brother is told to include you. As I said I wouldn’t want to go so I would tell them and then make plans on not being there for Christmas. I get what you are saying about your partner and New Zealand but if he wants to stay at home with you I wouldn’t stop him. Otherwise have you any other friends or relatives, neighbours who may be alone so you can buddy up with for the day. Have “christmas” with your partner on another day if he does go.

Ask them directly- what are you doing for Christmas.

This!

Yes & maybe it's too upsetting to go into all the details 💚

I admit that I missed where the OP said they knew the partner was going to NZ this year, but she definitely didn’t say that he always goes there.

And I suppose I was having an uncharacteristically soft moment and was trying not to further upset a pregnant woman who is feeling abandoned by a family who would see her spend Christmas alone (until next year, when they’ll suddenly be all over her) by telling her that her family are a bunch of shithouses and that she should fuck them all off, build a new little family and use this Christmas as a reason to never have to put up with their shit ever again.

Lot of advice here op, hope you can get some answers from you family members

Yep. ☝️

Honestly @jellytiger and it might feel a bit strange now but you can use this totally to your advantage.

Don't say a word, let partner go and do the big family gesture, you please yourself being lovely and pregnant

And then next Christmas, when you want to just chill just you three, you can. No guilt. Gently remind them that they completely dismissed you on your own this year.

Don't tell them you are pregnant let that come up "at some point" in the new year, say you were going to tell them at Christmas but you wanted to do it face to face.

Get through this year and you are sorted, no more obligations, no pleasing everyone else, you will have your own child next Christmas. Then it really won't matter what everyone else does.

Have a chilled festive time eating whatever you want and can.

Don't worry about the rest it's just fluff and not worth the stress.

Yes......tell us more...tell us more...I'm a nosy bitch...

And I messed up as well. Partner doesn't always go to NZ. 🤦‍♀️
OP always hosts parents, brother and often inlaws.
But, always is with her parents.
This year her parents going to OP's brother's and OP isn't invited.

Hope you’re ok @jellytiger