Starting to suspect I am not invited for Christmas

[jellytiger]

I've had relationships over the years, but for one reason or another have always spent christmas with my parents- even if a partner has come with me, or we have hosted both sets of parents.

I was always close with my brother until him and his wife had a baby, at which point I stopped really being invited to things. It caused a fair amount of division- me feeling isolated, and confused as to why, but also hurt that my parents saw this happening but wouldnt stick up for me as they didn't want to lose access to their grandchild.

This year there has been no mention to me of christmas. I don't know what I am doing, and suspect my parents have been invited to my brothers, and they want to accept to spend the day with their grandson, but they don't want to tell me what they have decided because I think the expectation is that I will have to spend it alone.

I am feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, as I am pregnant, and am struggling to work out if my feeling of tearfulness is because of hormones or justified. I feel if I tell my parents I'm expecting then they will tell my brother he has to start inviting me to things again and not excluding me, but equally I want to be there because my parents want me there, not because I am providing them with another grandchild.

they are redirecting the christmas conversation whenever I try to bring the topic up

If you could spell out, clearly, what is actually going on you might get some useful answers. What does “redirecting the christmas conversation whenever I try to bring the topic up” actually mean?

If your dp decides to stay for Christmas I'd do a chill one.
Do something that you want to do.
Go away for a few days.

Your parents have decided not to sare what they are doing,so look after yourself.

Your Christmas next year will be brilliant, so enjoy your last one as a couple.

Time for a conversation with your parents. I do worry from what you have been said that you may be right if they are redirecting the chat about Christmas .
Your parents would like to be hosted it seems. Your brother has invited them ( and doesn’t need to invite you too) . You could invite your parents but there is a good reason why not.

Just be honest with everyone . Your pregnancy and partner’s plans means that you can’t host and would be on your own…

Alternatively if you are not welcome - spend it with friends, have a cosy day or volunteer.

I'm assuming it means that the OP doesn't pursue the conversation and allows relatives to change the subject

this.

Sounds like her parents are being shady because they, but not the OP, have been invited to her DB’s place and they don’t want to ruin their first (?) Christmas with the grandchild by refusing to insist that the OP is also invited if her not so db doesn’t want her there for whatever random reason.

It sounds extremely hurtful. My extended family always spend occasions together. If they or a part of the family tried to exclude one person, it would be really weird and hurtful.

Meh.
OP has been quite critical of how her brother and SIL were after their baby was born. Premature and with 'real health concerns' no less and 'it caused division' It's not difficult to read between the lines here and realise that the OP, who WAS invited round and not shut out, thought it was a great time to be vocal with her criticism. Not to mention the fact that apparently, she knows how 'all their childfree friends' have been treated and who the brother and SIL have 'stopped seeing'. I doubt that the brother and SIL don't know who's been gossiping about them. Why would one make it all about them at such a time? 🙄
THEN, rather than just asking what everyone is doing for Christmas, the OP would rather just wallow in the self created drama. 🤷‍♀️

They might also know that you are pregnant. And give you the "girl if you want to keep it to yourself, we will help you out" treatment. Talking is best policy.

Why are you so scared to communicate, OP? Just ask the question and deal with the answer. Coming to internet with zero evidence is a little strange.

So many threads are based on a complete breakdown/fear of communication. I don't get it.

I think I’d be getting myself the the bougiest hotel I could find, depending on gestation hopefully with a spa (the tamer things pregnancy massage on christmas eve, relaxation beds etc), excellent food cooked by someone else and then announce my pregnancy to them from there - fuckers.
Facetime partner at odd hours assuming pregnancy has affected your sleep and he is up in NZ, hopefully he has a nice time and you have a nice time.
Then I do think they’d probably realise and genuinely be sorry that they’d made a mistake but at the moment they’re totally blinkered by and enabelling your brother with their premise grandson and the slightly batshit behaviour there!

(Edited to add I’d probably ask outright what are the plans for christmas - am I included or not? first prior to going ahead with this expensive and slightly outrageous plan!)

It’s not making a huge amount of sense, why is your brother still excluding you, why are you not telling your parents you’re pregnant. There must be a back story? How can they redirect the conversation, it’s a simple question, Johnny is going away, I will be alone, can I come to Xmas with you.

My advice @jellytiger is unless you are 3rd trimester get on that plane! You might even get an upgrade if you tell the check in desk you’re pregnant. Go now as you definitely won’t want to go again with a young baby or even worse a bored toddler, and if you have two kids you can say bye bye to wanting to travel for 5-7 years, so just go now and do some fun things before the baby arrives. You’ll regret it otherwise. You only live once and tbh once kids are on the scene you are living through them not for yourself.

was always close with my brother until him and his wife had a baby, at which point I stopped really being invited to things. It caused a fair amount of division- me feeling isolated, and confused as to why, but also hurt that my parents saw this happening but wouldnt stick up for me as they didn't want to lose access to their grandchild

op there is clearly some form of falling out and that’s why you’re not invited. And are you sure they didn’t take your side due to the grandkid, and not simply they didn’t think you were in the right?

Pick up the phone, call your mum and say "Mum what are the plans for Christmas? Are we spending it together? Would be good to know as DP is thinking of going to NZ, but will stick around if I've no other plans".
You can't think plan or feel anything until you know how the land lies so don't speculate, ask!

Fully agree with this. And also tbh I find it so baffling that so many responses suggest that the OP should be thrilled to have a quiet day alone to do whatever she wants on Christmas Day. There are many times I would appreciate a day to myself but Christmas Day isn't one of them. It's fine if some posters don't care about Christmas and would relish sitting in their PJs watching rubbish telly but lots of people, shock horror, actually LIKE to their families and would like to spend special occasions with them.

Wouldn’t this all be easier if you just had a conversation with them all? I don’t quite understand why you’re leaving so much unsaid.

People often
fail to turn up to events to which they are invited so why not just show up?. They are unlikely to turn you away. Ive done it several times when neighbours/workmates were having a patry. No one ever said anything, It would have been too embarassing in front of the other guests,

Your dp needs to be with you on Christmas Day - he can go either side of Christmas to NZ. This is the year you step up op and become less reliant on your flaky parents and brother. Your child is on the way, and the focus now needs to be on them. Yes they are cowards and weak. Let them do exactly what they want. I wouldn’t say a word and wait and see how long it takes for them to bring this up with you.

I wouldn't tell your parents that you are pregnant until after Christmas, purely because I'd want them to want their daughter with them for Christmas as usual snd not because you are pregnant.

I'd ask them outright what are the plans for Christmas and say you assume you will be spending the day with them as usual. If they say they are off to your brother's, I'd tell them how hurt I am and then leave it.

It will give you the perfect excuse going forward to spend Christmas at home with your DP and baby. Though it won't be a great Christmas this year for you if your DP does go home but maybe you can just chill at home with lovely treats for a few days.

If it turns out you are not invited and you really want to piss on everyone’s chips, ring your parents up on Christmas Day with an upbeat pregnancy announcement. Then you can enjoy thinking of your bro and SIL spending the rest of Christmas gutted about no longer being the only humans to have produce offspring.

Sorry to hear you’re being left out.

It’s understandable that your parents want to accept the potential invitation from your db. But they should talk to you about it like grown ups.

I would encourage partner to go to NZ.

Is there anyone you could invite to spend Xmas with you?

Op is this just a simple case of people getting older and their immediate family changing? Your brother’s family has grown as has yours and as that happens siblings become lower on the pecking order.
Brother and sil, maybe have invited you parents and hers and feel that’s enough to be hosting. I
know it’s not nice, but I just think as you get older relationships change.

Your dp’s feel stuck in the middle, hoping that your brother extends you an invite too, but they can’t make them. Being an in law is a tricky position. Can you imagine as post, we’ve invite the Inlaws for dinner but they will only come if adult daughter is invited, they would be told not to bother.

You don’t feel like hosting, maybe they don’t either. Maybe if they invite you, they have to invite other siblings along too and they don’t want to.
It’s tricky, but maybe talk to your parents about Boxing Day, or similar.

Yes!

All this angst about a rift with the brother then it turns out they've had a really rough time and cocooned themselves from everyone, it's nothing to do with her at all.

Calls the brother/SIL 'PFB' parents but won't fly to NZ, can't commit to cooking in 6 weeks' time because she's tired, won't go to NZ next year either. Sounds pretty PFB too and the baby isn't even here yet.

Getting shades of my own situation from Christmas past here.
I wouldn’t waste your breath telling them you’re pregnant. I’d ask what they’re doing for Xmas outright, expect not to like the answer and then ensure your DP doesn’t fly to NZ until at least Boxing Day.
Then go LC. Fuck them. Read the thread posted earlier from someone who was told they basically didn’t matter until they were pregnant themselves.

I think you should just have a conversation with your parents but you should also prepare yourself for that chance that Christmas may not be the same forever. It’s unfair to expect everyone to stick to the same routine because ‘that’s what you’ve always done’. Your brothers life has changed, he has a baby and yours will be changing soon too. When you become a parent your priorities change, your relationships change, your finances and your energy levels change. There could be any number of reasons why you haven’t been invited but I think you’re a little bit naive if you assumed that everyone would stick to the same Christmas arrangement forever.