Starting to suspect I am not invited for Christmas

[jellytiger]

I've had relationships over the years, but for one reason or another have always spent christmas with my parents- even if a partner has come with me, or we have hosted both sets of parents.

I was always close with my brother until him and his wife had a baby, at which point I stopped really being invited to things. It caused a fair amount of division- me feeling isolated, and confused as to why, but also hurt that my parents saw this happening but wouldnt stick up for me as they didn't want to lose access to their grandchild.

This year there has been no mention to me of christmas. I don't know what I am doing, and suspect my parents have been invited to my brothers, and they want to accept to spend the day with their grandson, but they don't want to tell me what they have decided because I think the expectation is that I will have to spend it alone.

I am feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, as I am pregnant, and am struggling to work out if my feeling of tearfulness is because of hormones or justified. I feel if I tell my parents I'm expecting then they will tell my brother he has to start inviting me to things again and not excluding me, but equally I want to be there because my parents want me there, not because I am providing them with another grandchild.

If the norm is that you all spend Christmas together then you have a right to feel a bit put out . What I find odd is that your parents are not asking you what your doing for Christmas ? It’s their duty as parents . I imagine if this was at their house you would be going so the problem lays with your brother and sister in law . You state that you have a good relationship with your brother so I suspect it’s your sister in law . Her house her rules and she’s completely saying who comes or who doesn’t . Your parents are wrong in accepting an invitation without you checking in with yiu and your plans . It’s a problem with a lot of family’s there can be jealousies . As a parent theirs no way I would go to my sons and his wife’s house and leave my daughter on her own at Xmas . Grandchildren or not my children are priority . Sometimes you just have to grab the bull by the horns and find out if your sister in law has a problem with you . Bec let’s face it if she wasn’t around you wouldn’t be getting left out would you !
be strong and make your point . If no one can see your point then you have to make your own plans . Sad I know but some parents act silly when grandkids come along . You should be your mum and dads priority not grandkids and not their daughter in law by marriage . Sorry if this sounds harsh but sometimes you’ve got to call a spade a spade

Speaking as a parent with two grown children, one of which has 2 little boys,(my son), it seems to me that your whole family has been thrown a curve ball by your brother - most likely because his wife is playing silly buggars.
My DIL is a neurotic creature. Everyone has to walk on egg shells 24/7 around her. We are kept at arms length and our son just goes along with whatever she wants.
The truth is that most husbands will do anything for a quiet life. Unhappy wife means unhappy life (and no sex!).
Tell your parents you are pregnant because they should know and would probably be devastated that you haven't told them. Then just let them all sort themselves out. Whatever happens, its not your fault or your problem. In the meantime, make arrangements to go to your partners family or even invite friends and neighbours over for the day.
And yes, the tears are mostly hormonal. Did you know that your body will be trying to get rid of excess hormones through your tears. I cried for England when I was having my daughter 😭 If I was there with you I'd bring you cookies and tea and give you a big mumsy cuddle 🤗🤗🤗 because that's what you need right now.

Why don’t you stay with your baby daddy?

OP has explained this

Exactly. All this fuss over one bloody day of the year.

Many people struggle at Christmas and can find it lonely and difficult. I don't think it's a great mental leap to understand this. And OP wants to be wanted and asked and is probably emotional/hormonal.

Yes & even without having some possible extra hormones to add to the torment, most folks like to know they're just being considered & thought of, especially at this time💚

Personally I would try to ask your parents directly one more time and if you get aired then tell them you know where you stand in the family. Then get all the food you enjoy and treat yourself to a quiet well rested Christmas and spend it eating and throwing up all day. (My morning sickness was actually all day sickness) and FaceTiming dp late at night/early hours in the morning.

I would look on it as a day when you step away from the norm and embrace being able to do anything you want all day long.

I would keep the pregnancy quiet from your family. On this point I think you are in a no win situation
If you say anything you will be accused of taking away the limelight of babies first Christmas from brother and sil
If you keep it quiet then your parents might feel ashamed they left you on your own whilst pregnant with their 2nd GC and deflect the blame onto you because you didn’t tell them. They will gloss over the fact that being pregnant or not pregnant shouldn’t get in the way of not letting your daughter spend Christmas alone.

I think people get sad if they are on their own for this one day of the year instead of reframing it to doing what you please when you please.

We have taken over from my parents at hosting Xmas a few years back now, and we asked peoole to bring something specific, which everybody does no problem. One set of parents brings an alternative to Xmas pud (as not everybody likes it), one set brings a cheeseboard, brother brings some fizz, other family asked to bring fizz, or whatever is needed over and above the main dinner, turkey, Xmas pudding. We're providing the venue and cooking it all, so i think that's not unreasonable. Could you say this year, we're happy to still host (imply you've considered not hosting, to concentrate minds), but we'll need everybody to pitch and bring something to share the load? And then be ready and specific with what you want them to bring, e.g bottle(s) of Prosecco please?

I think you have missed the point or posted on the wrong thread

You seem to be spiralling in thoughts and assumptions, without speaking to people. Call your parents and find out what is happening at Christmas and also let then know that you are pregnant.

The OP has not posted on this thread in five days. So I suspect further speculation and advice is probably pointless …

I agree to an extent - you need your own life - but I was also raised to believe that family is also important and we come together to celebrate Christmas and such events

Yes immensely true - Family's so imperative & I feel immense compassion & empathise with any family member being ostracised from other family members 💚😢💚

Assuming everyone has full capacity, as an adult why is family ‘imperative’’ may I ask?
I think it used to be, for survival, but these days that’s not the case.

People have so many options now to outsource. Making it much easier for those that were mistreated to lead peaceful, happy, independent lives from of all forms of abuse. Including manipulation and coercion.

Yes I just meant Family should be special with the exception of those members whom might be narcissistic for example - But I don't believe those types should be just completely excused either -