Starting to suspect I am not invited for Christmas

[jellytiger]

I've had relationships over the years, but for one reason or another have always spent christmas with my parents- even if a partner has come with me, or we have hosted both sets of parents.

I was always close with my brother until him and his wife had a baby, at which point I stopped really being invited to things. It caused a fair amount of division- me feeling isolated, and confused as to why, but also hurt that my parents saw this happening but wouldnt stick up for me as they didn't want to lose access to their grandchild.

This year there has been no mention to me of christmas. I don't know what I am doing, and suspect my parents have been invited to my brothers, and they want to accept to spend the day with their grandson, but they don't want to tell me what they have decided because I think the expectation is that I will have to spend it alone.

I am feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, as I am pregnant, and am struggling to work out if my feeling of tearfulness is because of hormones or justified. I feel if I tell my parents I'm expecting then they will tell my brother he has to start inviting me to things again and not excluding me, but equally I want to be there because my parents want me there, not because I am providing them with another grandchild.

Hi op just ask them directly say I’m looking at Christmas plans what are we doing. If they say there going to your db but just them I would not say anything except oh right ok so just me to cater for then. Then next year start your own tradition just you 3 no drama no fitting around them it might actually work out for the best by not going with them this year then you won’t feel obliged or guilty to keep doing the same dance every year.

I’m a fan of getting to the point.

“Hi mum, just wondering what the plans are for Christmas? Partner is going to New Zealand and I don’t feel up the trip because I’m pregnant but obviously don’t want to be alone so can we make a plan? If you’re going to bro’s and I’m not invited then I need to know so that I can ensure I’m not alone”.

I would expect my adult kids to say “ Right! What is everyone planning for Christmas? Are we doing it together or have people made other plans?”
if they did not like the response I would expect them to say “ oh that is disappointing! It makes me feel sad I will be on my own”.
unless your parents have a crystal ball I would imagine they either do not know you feel vulnerable or think you are a drama queen

Firstly, I think you should go to New Zealand with your partner. You could have an amazing time meeting his family and making memories before your baby is born.
Secondly, if you are more than 12 weeks pregnant then you should tell your parents. I think it’s ok to wait til 12 weeks but any longer than that then you risk causing a serious problem with them. You should also tell your brother and sil. I mean why wouldn’t you? What am I missing?
Thirdly, you should tell your parents, brother and sil how hurt you are about being cut out of your brother’s life. Tell them that you are prepared to understand their point of view, but you need them to explain it to you first as it just doesn’t make any sense at the moment.
If you won’t/can’t go away with your partner then you will have to make other plans - ask your brother if you can go to his. You never know he might surprise you and say yes. Failing that, you’ll have to start asking friends if they could bear to have you, but I really don’t think it should be allowed to come to that!

When people marry or settle with a partner, that becomes their family group. I can't understand why staying with parents or siblings is wanted by anyone really. Nice to see them, but not a big deal.

Just ask them?

Hi @jellytiger / I think this is exactly what you should do.., read it whilst you’re on the phone if you need to. I’m sure it will work out and many congratulations x

Do they like your partner? Are they actively distancing themselves from you both, even though you will be on your own this time?

Has something happened that would have been a big deal to them as new parents? Or are you the ‘fun’ auntie who skips naps, feeds chocolate etc, random other stuff that’s not what they want? Maybe they’re neurotic and don’t want an extra person’s germs around their child? Maybe they just like it better when it’s just them and your parents? Harsh reality of Christmas for many of us is that we feel obligated to share it with people we don’t want share it with. Do you want to be there as an obligation?

I can’t help but feel there’s more to this story. Why have you not told your parents about your pregnancy, are you just not that close? Lots of families have unequal dynamics, it’s not necessarily a reflection on anyone.

We don't really have enough information here to give any meaningful advice/analysis of the issue with your brother and SIL.

But when it comes to your parents I think you'll be best served by summoning up some nerve and just approaching holiday plans as an equal adult (soon-to-be-parent) rather than waiting around for your parents to tell you what you're doing for Christmas. I understand that you want to feel wanted - we all do - but I don't think that holding out for them to initiate is doing anything but increasing your distress.

If you want to spend part or all of the holiday with your parents then tell them that and be willing to initiate an actual plan. You don't have to offer to host a giant home-cooked feast in order to do this - you can suggest splitting the cost of pre-made at your place so no one has to cook, or invite them for something simple. Then let them respond and go from there.

I agree with this, as difficult as it may sound. Once you find out a bit more information, if you’re definitely feeling excluded, then go and get some winter sun while you can. Spend a few days in a warmer climate and relax. Then tell your mum on your return.

Eugh they all sound awful tbh. I wouldn't go scrounging around for an invite either. Who wants an invite from a forced hand? Just remember this when one of your parents snuffs it and they face an Xmas on their own.

It is a pity you'll miss out on a New Zealand Christmas which is in the middle of our summer. The flight is hard work though even if you have a stop over. My husband will hardly ever leave the country flying outside business class.

To be fair, it is much worse flying with a small child long haul. I have never done it myself but I have felt utterly sorry for those doing it. They are run ragged by the end of the flight. On the other hand, that's another reason why husband prefers business class (if he can get it at a good price).

Maybe if your partner stays home this Christmas if you’ll be in your own you could both go to NZ with the baby next Christmas? It’s easier to fly that far before the baby starts walking and when they can still fit in a bassinet on the plane and also cheaper. And maybe in the future your partner’s family could come to the UK and spend a winter Christmas with you!

I think it’s sad if the case is your parents are going to brother’s but u aren’t. I would be gutted if the people I usually spent Xmas with suddenly didnt want to know, especially if they thought that I was going to be alone otherwise.

I’d do this, but probably wouldn’t mention the pregnancy, I’ve just read the other thread mentioned upthread and I know I’d be being petty etc but I’d want to know it was me they wanted to see, not based on a relationship with my future child.

My family are a bit like this and I think people don't get it when their families are more straightforward.

My family are all perfectly "nice" on both sides but my younger sister is the priority to my parents and DH's younger brother is the priority to his (we all have kids but theirs were born 4-8 years before ours).

It would be a shame for your partner to miss out on what sounds like an ideal time to make the long journey to NZ but I can completely understand why you don't want to make it as well.

How come you haven't told your mum you're pregnant?

I mean you can try "Mum and Dad, why are you avoiding Christmas discussion" but mine would avoid discussion of anything they don't want to discuss too so I get that.

Do you have any single friends that might prefer to hang out with you for the day rather than be 3rd wheels somewhere else?

That's not a bad idea. The baby nephew will be fun to hang out with too.

Yes, surely you say lovely to hear about your marigolds mother now back to the question of Christmas. Unless op , and I have some sympathy, you are part of a family who doesn’t address things or have honest conversations.

There doesn't have to have been a falling out.

My younger sister basically ditched me when she had kids, not because we fell out, but because she was completely overwhelmed by the whole thing and had no capacity to maintain any other relationships. Or even to accept any help. She probably had PND looking back. Eventually I gave up and focused on my DH, friends and later my own child. I tried really, really hard to be helpful and supportive for the best part of 10 years.

20 years on and we have a reasonably cordial relationship but I was very hurt by the whole thing at the time. And our parents had zero clue what to do!

"Redirecting the conversation" - they just ignore it when you bring it up, don't respond, change the subject. Make you the bad guy if you insist.

My parents do this all the time.

come on op, big girls pants on, make the phone call this morning. ‘Hi mum, what are you up to for Christmas am I coming to you? If she avoids ‘ah can I take your avoidance to answer my question to mean you’ve been invited to Fred’s and I’m not included?’

then literally just leave it as an ok now at least we’re clear. I wouldn’t mention the pregnancy as I said upthread this is about you not future gc.

This, and all the posters egging op to
•go LC/Nc
•find a way to ruin the db and family Christmas Day
etc. are not exactly being helpful good guys.
How far on are you for your parents not to know/work out you’re pregnant?

Yes do that!