Starting to suspect I am not invited for Christmas

[jellytiger]

I've had relationships over the years, but for one reason or another have always spent christmas with my parents- even if a partner has come with me, or we have hosted both sets of parents.

I was always close with my brother until him and his wife had a baby, at which point I stopped really being invited to things. It caused a fair amount of division- me feeling isolated, and confused as to why, but also hurt that my parents saw this happening but wouldnt stick up for me as they didn't want to lose access to their grandchild.

This year there has been no mention to me of christmas. I don't know what I am doing, and suspect my parents have been invited to my brothers, and they want to accept to spend the day with their grandson, but they don't want to tell me what they have decided because I think the expectation is that I will have to spend it alone.

I am feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, as I am pregnant, and am struggling to work out if my feeling of tearfulness is because of hormones or justified. I feel if I tell my parents I'm expecting then they will tell my brother he has to start inviting me to things again and not excluding me, but equally I want to be there because my parents want me there, not because I am providing them with another grandchild.

For those telling OP to travel with her partner to see his family, she might not want to take the risk of a long haul flight whilst pregnant.

Starting to suspect OP won’t be back to answer the many many many questions about the backstory here…

Leave them to it, it sounds very odd for your family to behave this way towards you. Meet them before christmas to exchange presents and arrange some meet ups with friends to make the lead up special. Tell your partner to go over to new Zealand as its going to be a while before he can go again and next time it will be with you and the baby (all being well). Don't treat this as a sad time, treat it as your last christmas before baby. Tell your parents after Christmas and back off from them, and your brother. It goes both ways. I wouldn't want to travel thay far whilst pregnant either, and its important he gets time with his family. I did christmas alone once and it was ok.

I have a sister in law who just assumes that she spends every Christmas with her parents. It's highly annoying as it means we can't ever host DH's parents without having to factor her into the equation. I don't understand why grown adults have to tag along with their parents every Christmas. I would happily host my in laws, but I don't get along with SIL, so therefore it rules out them coming to ours, because they have to think of her.

It's not odd they arnt inviting you and are probably embarrassed by it and dont want to actually say anything honestly they dont want to lose contact with there only grandchild and are probably afraid of rocking the boat as everyone else has been cut off make other plans and be glad your out from under the obligation Christmas can be celebrated any time just postpone it until your partner gets home

Don't bother telling your mom about the pregnancy just yet because SIL might kick off at them

I hate it when an OP runs away from a thread like this!

I think you need to be more obvious with your communication it sounds like you are avoiding the full Christmas conversation and so are they. I.e “so who’s house are we having Christmas dinner at as dp is away I can’t be sat on my own” If it’s a negative answer you know where you stand for next year. Maybe dp would be better going away for new year instead in your position I probably would go with him if it’s possible to have Christmas with his family. Next year you can make your own traditions with your baby.

I think the problem may be with your attitude towards them. They had a premature baby with health problems. That is terrifying. You called him PFB which is dismissive. They will have detected that in something passing, or in something you've openly said.

It sounds like you need to do some bridge building. Starting out with "I am so sorry if I've said something that's offended you" is always a good idea.

Does nobody talk to each other in your family? You find it odd that they haven't brought up the subject with you, yet you are doing exactly the same? Just speak to your parents, make them aware that your partner is going to New Zealand for three weeks over Christmas and that you don't have any other plans. The ball is then in their court. Do they know you are pregnant - it sounds like not?

It sounds extremely hurtful. My extended family always spend occasions together. If they or a part of the family tried to exclude one person, it would be really weird and hurtful.

Indeed.

It sounds as though it's been a family pattern that @jellytiger goes to her parents for Christmas. THey're changing this to pander to her brother & SiL's PFB fears about their child coming into contact with other people. It's bonkers.

I suspect it's the SiL who's behind this. Maybe she's a bit jealous of the husband's close family and wants to establish her "power" as first woman of the family ... (possibly I'm projecting as that's what my SiL tried to do once. Didn't work).

How utterly arrogant. Your SiL is perfectly entitled to celebrate with HER family. What is wrong with that? You don't get to boss your husband's family about.

I find it <ahem> interesting that the PPs on this thread who are castigating the OP for wanting to spend Christmas with her family, then go on to trumpet THEIR family values. So hypocritical.

Ask them what their plans are. Do you have a partner? Maybe they are assuming you will spend it with him?

Maybe have a quick look at OP's responses?

It's not about bossing anyone's family about. It's about the fact that one family member is so entrenched in their views and position on how they want to spend Christmas that it impacts everyone else and they get little choice. From the sounds of a previous post of yours, you are exactly THAT person. Do it your way, and nobody else gets a say.

Just ask them. “Mum, dad I really need to know what we are doing for Xmas this year? Am I coming here or are you going to my brothers? Just wondering as I’d like to come here but if you have other plans then I need to make other plans too.”

You need to get real with your communication. Just say that you'd like to share Christmas with your parents and brother.
Don't stand on ceremony.

Ask what you could bring and offer to help while you are there.
You want a normal sustainable Christmas for yourself, partner and your future child. Ask brother and SIL what their child would like as a gift.
You are being too sensitive and precious.
It is quite okay and normal for your parents to want to spend time with grandchildren. It sounds like the first little child had a nightmare of health issues.

Wishing you a healthy pregnancy. Congratulations.

OP is not being precious, fgs. She has always spent Christmas with her family without question. Everyone had suddenly gone radio silence on her.

This.

And I suppose the OP's hesitancy at pushing the issue - she says she's raised the topic of Christmas, and her mother deflects/changes the subject - comes from not wanting to hear her own mother rejecting her. That's quite understandable.

Why should she "get over" her own family rejecting her, or crowding her out?

Have you directly asked your brother why he stopped inviting you to things?

also, why can’t you just go there to visit and drop off gifts?

and, why don’t you make a point of saying to your parents “ ooo will look forward to next year when your with me then”

unless you find out why; you’re always going to feel sad about it. Congratulations on your pregnancy xx

Why can't you just be on your own? You can eat what you want when you want, watch television of your choice. It will soon be over. Many people dream of having Christmas to themselves. It's not for long.

OP didn't...

💯

I'm astounded by the posts saying OP is being needy and previous; or that she's lacking in indepedence. If we cannot depend on family, fgs, who can we depend on? The type of awkwardness and avoidance OP is describing is bizarre. Who wouldn't be hurt and confused by it?

OP, I think there's either something you're not saying or maybe aware of.
We had a ill baby who we had to be very cautious with, and we asked people to check if they are ill and to follow certain rules for baby's health (as did our friends who had early premies) and there are people who came around sniffling or talking about how their partner is ill etc and we have never been the same because the rage you feel inside about what seems trivial to many visitors who haven't gone through similar is really big.

Just send a message asking what the Christmas plans are. Don't let them redirect! If they do just go 'can we just iron this out first please'.

I feel extremely sorry for you OP. How odd that nobody has included you in the Christmas festivities. Please tell them your good news and ask them why they are excluding you like this.

This seems a brilliant idea 💚