Starting to suspect I am not invited for Christmas

[jellytiger]

I've had relationships over the years, but for one reason or another have always spent christmas with my parents- even if a partner has come with me, or we have hosted both sets of parents.

I was always close with my brother until him and his wife had a baby, at which point I stopped really being invited to things. It caused a fair amount of division- me feeling isolated, and confused as to why, but also hurt that my parents saw this happening but wouldnt stick up for me as they didn't want to lose access to their grandchild.

This year there has been no mention to me of christmas. I don't know what I am doing, and suspect my parents have been invited to my brothers, and they want to accept to spend the day with their grandson, but they don't want to tell me what they have decided because I think the expectation is that I will have to spend it alone.

I am feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, as I am pregnant, and am struggling to work out if my feeling of tearfulness is because of hormones or justified. I feel if I tell my parents I'm expecting then they will tell my brother he has to start inviting me to things again and not excluding me, but equally I want to be there because my parents want me there, not because I am providing them with another grandchild.

Am sorry for the hurt and confusion, it's a horrible feeling.

Most importantly though, congrats on your pregnancy! Wonderful news.
With that in mind..

Can I just say, the one Xmas I spent alone (I was so tired, couldn't face a long drive to family) was one of the best ones I had as an adult. I did exactly what I wanted to do, I read a book, watched Doc Who, had a takeaway that I bought the night before, just fab. Being so tired and worn out with my long hours at work it really was a good day.

So if you do end up spending it alone for whatever reason, don't fret. Change your outlook, have it as a lovely TLC pamper yourself day. Next year will be madness with a baby and you may look back on a quiet day with fondness, after all it will probably the last quiet one for quite some years! :-)

It is really not unusual to have some christmas days away from your own parents as the family grows. Your brother has his own family now and perhaps has to cater for his in laws too? All in all, you need to communicate with your family rather than sat being sad making up potential scenarios/reasons!

Lovely christmas with just you and your partner no stress

But I don’t understand why the brother must always be expected to host the OP? She says that when she’s had a partner they’ve sometimes hosted parents as a couple - but it seems that otherwise it has always been the brother who gives and the OP who receives hospitality. I see no reason why the OP should expect that to be set in stone.

Maybe his partner doesn’t like you? Maybe they’re thinking strategically and prioritising the relationship with your parents in the hope of some beneficial exchange - money, or babysitting or practical help, and it’s awkward for your parents to offer those things if you’re there too? I don’t know, I’m just speculating. But I do think - regardless of hormones - that instead of initiating pleading conversations with your family members (which won’t end well) you need to engage backbone and establish your own Christmas. Then invite them to it.

This year there has been no mention to me of christmas. I don't know what I am doing, and suspect my parents have been invited to my brothers.

Could you just ask your parents what their plans are for Christmas and then go from there?

You don't mention a partner , so assume you don't have one .
How pregnant are you ? If not heavily you could volunteer your day to help out at a church / homeless charity doing Christmas dinners for the community .
You could buy yourself some lovely pjs and have a relaxing , cosy day in ( as you won't be getting that in the next few years ! )
Tbh spending the day alone is not a real big deal . And in reality your parents are likely to do alternate Christmases with 2 sets of gc in the future anyway .

Agreed. Feels like there’s got to more to this than the brother and sister in law stopped inviting you because of the baby.

It could be the classic case of those new baby bubbles many place themselves in these days and if you are the childless sibling they think you aren’t part of the club.

Adult Christmas’s change, it is sad the first time your usual routine goes, but time to build new traditions for your own family. If you don’t have a partner do you have a single friend? Could you volunteer, or go away?

if you do have a partner and are not actually alone, maybe give your head a wobble. Your own Christmas will change anyway from next year.

ultimately as others have said, you need to talk to your parents and brother rather than getting sad about something you are just assuming to be true.

My sister-in-law had a very difficult pregnancy and birth and my nephew was quite premature. My brother and SIL basically went into lockdown for 5 months. I was invited round a few times, and they were only seeing people for half an hour at a time and not allowed to hold the baby. They gradually stopped seeing all people aside from NCT and baby group friends. My father wasn't allowed to hold the baby until he was well over 7 months old. It was real PFB syndrome, mixed with real health concerns.

There's clearly more to this story.

But equally, your parents don't owe you every Christmas. I'm assuming you're an adult. They can spend Christmas however they choose.

You haven't said if baby's father is on the scene or not... But if not, and you're feeling vulnerable, and don't want to be alone, why not see if you can spend it with a friend?

My partner is on the scene, his family isnt in the UK so he had planned to go and visit them before we found out I was pregnant. He wont go if he thinks I am going to be alone, but equally I doubt we will all want to travel next year so this is the best opportunity.

It sounds like a case of them being very over protective of any germs.

Ask your parents though as this could all be unnecessary worry for nothing.

Ask your parents what their plans are, but my gut response (a result of my attachment issues) is fuck them and plan my own solo Christmas.

Well you can either sit at home and stew or give them a call and ask. If you're not invited then you can start making your own plans.

I think the best solutions are either you and your partner both go to your inlaws' or your partner delays his visit until just after Christmas.

I think you need to ask so that your partner can decide what he is doing. If you are not invited can you not travel with your partner, as you say you probably won’t want to travel with a small baby.

Well I'm not single, and don't have any children apart from the one I am expecting.... so not quite sure where you made this story up from....

You’ve really not explained enough for anyone to reply. Where is your partner? Why are you reliant on your brother, is it that he always hosts Christmas? Could you skip it this year as you’re pregnant and have a quiet one with your partner ready for the baby to arrive?

Where on Earth did you generalise all that up from? OP hasn’t said she has other children and does have a partner!

It sounds like a case of them being very over protective of any germs.

Ask your parents though as this could all be unnecessary worry for nothing.

As someone who has hosted my family and in laws for the last 15 years, this year I have decided I’m not doing it anymore after having 11 for lunch last year and two overnight guests with very little thanks. I’ve not mentioned Christmas to anyone and they’ve not mentioned it to me. You should never assume you are invited anywhere - ask “what are you doing for Christmas” and if the answer isn’t what you want, at least you know where you stand. Why don’t you offer to host?