Starting to suspect I am not invited for Christmas

[jellytiger]

I've had relationships over the years, but for one reason or another have always spent christmas with my parents- even if a partner has come with me, or we have hosted both sets of parents.

I was always close with my brother until him and his wife had a baby, at which point I stopped really being invited to things. It caused a fair amount of division- me feeling isolated, and confused as to why, but also hurt that my parents saw this happening but wouldnt stick up for me as they didn't want to lose access to their grandchild.

This year there has been no mention to me of christmas. I don't know what I am doing, and suspect my parents have been invited to my brothers, and they want to accept to spend the day with their grandson, but they don't want to tell me what they have decided because I think the expectation is that I will have to spend it alone.

I am feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, as I am pregnant, and am struggling to work out if my feeling of tearfulness is because of hormones or justified. I feel if I tell my parents I'm expecting then they will tell my brother he has to start inviting me to things again and not excluding me, but equally I want to be there because my parents want me there, not because I am providing them with another grandchild.

Could you invite them to yours to see where the land lies?

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

If you’re pregnant, is there no partner? What is he doing for Christmas?

Apart from Christmas, you need to tell your mum you are pregnant. She’s going to find out soon anyway, and better you tell her first.
As for Christmas, do your parents know you will be on your own? Be open and ask what they are doing. Better to know than worry.

Do you think you have inadvertently upset your DB or sil? There is usually a backstory to to sort of thing, even if it’s something silly like forgetting a birthday or jealousy on their part.
Do you live near enough to your parents to go for a chat? I would just drop in to see them. Conversations like this are better done face to face imo.

Congratulations for your pregnancy ❤️

I don’t get why your brother stopped inviting you to things. It’s weird.

You have not really explained properly why you stopped being invited to family occasions? Was there some sort of falling out, causing a rift? What happened?

Have you ever asked your brother why he’s pulled away?

Hmm … Honestly I think you need to take a step back and try to establish a festive season that doesn’t depend on your brother or parents. Just for a while.

On the one hand they are all perfectly entitled to arrange things without including you. On the other hand your own life is changing too: if you concentrate on that, your parents at least will experience an element of FOMO, as you anticipate. Why not let that happen organically?

Work on your resilience - you’ll need it to support your own child.

I think you just need to send a text asking what peoples plans are for Christmas.

Is this your first baby? If so, congratulations.

Some people change after they have a baby, many distance from those around them so it’s possible your brother has done this.

Can’t help but wonder what the other side of the story is here.

We have stopped inviting my SIL to things. She has extremely high expectations, is very domineering, demanding, passes critical commentary on everything everyone does. It is utterly exhausting and draining and we are just done trying to pander to it. We meet on neutral territory where there is always a way out when things are not going well.

There is a reason you are not being invited, your brother could well be a complete dick that is what my SIL would say or it might be something you are doing that is driving this. Family dynamics are very complex.

Make new traditions with your partner and soon to be first baby. I used to love Christmas’s alone with my partner and now we have a whole tribe to share the day with.

I don't know why everyone feels the need for backstorys here and goes into super sleuth mode. A pregnant woman is feeling vulnerable, thats what matters. Why can't we just take it that they perhaps didn't want the OP to turn into an essay.

Sorry you're feeling like this, it sounds like youre putting off sharing your news because you want to test your place in the family. I think you bite the bullet and ask your parents what their Christmas plans are. You then can tell them about your pregnancy when you are ready, but you will know going forwards what their motivations are. If you tell them and all of a sudden you and your partner have seats at the table then you'd be right to be skeptical. It will also let you know if you should be wary in future

Do you have a relationship with your brother?

if so talk it out, actually talk it out regardless! Or invite them all to you.

It's time to make an adult life separate from your brother and parents.

I dont think its hormones, I think I would be feeling left out in this situation. Is there anything you can organise yourself assuming no invite materialises? Honestly it says a lot about your brother and partner that they would invite your parents and leave you out of Christmas. Sending you big hugs, make your own arrangements I say.

Whats your brothers side of story? Why are you excluded now?

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Do you have a partner? If so, can you spend Christmas with your partner?

It's never easy to feel left out. Can you talk with your brother?
Can you perhaps invite your parents and/or your brother and his family to your place on one of the other days around Christmas?

As traditionally you have always spent Christmas with your parents, I would just ask, what are we doing for Christmas? at least then you'll know, and not be guessing.

I would just message and ask so you know the situation. You may be right that that is what has happenrd, or it may be they don't know what do to given the rift between you and your brother and haven't yet made a plan. TBH assuming you have a partner, once you have your baby you will probably find you prefer doing stuff just the three of you anyway. If you are having the baby on your own I think it's just a bit different and you will probably want their support, so I would tell them sooner rather than later. As an aside I hate it when people can't just be honest - if they've decided to have Xmas with your brother and not invite you they should be telling you in good time so you can make alternative arrangements.

What did you brother say when you brought to that you're feeling excluded?

I don't know why everyone feels the need for backstorys here and goes into super sleuth mode. A pregnant woman is feeling vulnerable, thats what matters. Why can't we just take it that they perhaps didn't want the OP to turn into an essay

Er, because the advice will depend on the context. For example, if OP is completely alone at Christmas and her partner has run off and she had a massive blow out with her bro, then she may need different advice than if she isnt going to be alone at Christmas and hasnt had a fall out with her brother and he just isnt aware that he's been becoming distant. Two extremely different circumstances

I’m sorry op, that’s really mean. Why does your brother not include you since having a child? And why don’t your parents do anything about it? So cruel of them to choose your brothers family and knowingly exclude you.

Maybe as you always go to your parents they are just assuming you are? Either way time to have an open grown up conversation. They are soon not going to want to miss out on their new grandchild…

How come you will be alone? Where is your partner? I get that you probably also want to spend the day / time with your family - probably with your partner as well.

Maybe your brother is waiting for you to offer to host? If you are able, I would at least offer because it is possible the SIL thinks it might be your turn if you've always been invited there.