Starting to suspect I am not invited for Christmas

[jellytiger]

I've had relationships over the years, but for one reason or another have always spent christmas with my parents- even if a partner has come with me, or we have hosted both sets of parents.

I was always close with my brother until him and his wife had a baby, at which point I stopped really being invited to things. It caused a fair amount of division- me feeling isolated, and confused as to why, but also hurt that my parents saw this happening but wouldnt stick up for me as they didn't want to lose access to their grandchild.

This year there has been no mention to me of christmas. I don't know what I am doing, and suspect my parents have been invited to my brothers, and they want to accept to spend the day with their grandson, but they don't want to tell me what they have decided because I think the expectation is that I will have to spend it alone.

I am feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, as I am pregnant, and am struggling to work out if my feeling of tearfulness is because of hormones or justified. I feel if I tell my parents I'm expecting then they will tell my brother he has to start inviting me to things again and not excluding me, but equally I want to be there because my parents want me there, not because I am providing them with another grandchild.

I appreciate now you're pregnant you possibly don't want to go that far and for that long but it seems really odd that he would plan a visit, especially over Christmas, without knowing you wouldn't be alone for the whole holiday period.

Have you met his family? I'm guessing it's more than just his brother other there? Personally I think it would possibly be better to go with him this year as he's unlikely to go to New Zealand again any time soon once you have the baby.

I don't have a dog, so no. As an earlier comment it came from them having a premature baby and then escalated from there as far as I can tell. It isn''t just me, but all of their childfree friends.

They don’t like your partner

They know he is planning on going away which is partly why I find it odd that they are redirecting the christmas conversation whenever I try to bring the topic up.

How old is your nephew now? Do you think this is just a phase when he’s very young? Hopefully next year they will see you a bit more and want the cousins to get to know each other. If he’s five or six, then it probably won’t change, which is very sad.

New Zealand is really far away for anyone to fly, especially if you’re pregnant. Although it might be easiest for your partner to go now rather than after the baby is born.

As everyone has said, you really need to speak to your parents and find out what the plan is. If they are leaving you out they are pretty mean I think but it might be that your parents haven’t spoken to your brother either and that your brother and sister-in-law don’t want to see anyone for Christmas or just haven’t been able to get their head around making a plan yet.

No, @jellytiger - spending Christmas with the mother of his expected child needs to be your partner’s priority.

@mindutopia the OP made it clear in the first paragraph she posted that she has sometimes hosted her parents for Christmas when she had a partner.

I suspect that like many grandparents the OP’s parents would choose to be with their existing grandchild this Christmas, even if the OP invited them.

It does sound pitiful all round. The OP should be planning a Christmas with her partner - not desperately hoping for crumbs from her brother and parents.

Is asking them directly not an option? Maybe they think you’re off to NZ as well?

If they’re deliberately not inviting you I’d be beyond hurt and reconsidering all communication.

So you've tried to have a conversation? Didn't you ask them what they are doing and ask if you can spend it with them because your partner is leaving you alone for three weeks over the holidays?

I don't understand why you'd let them try and redirect the conversation rather than ask outright?

You don’t have a needy dog do you that you insist on taking everywhere? See those posts regularly near Christmas time.

You are not going to be alone for Christmas! You are going to be with your baby! You could make it such a special time, talking to the baby, listening to your favourite music, eating your favourite food, taking walks - just the two of you. Special time, when nobody can come between you and the baby - no grandparents, no friends, etc. with their silly suggestions, opinions.

And when the baby is born, you are going to have your own wonderful family, no need for your stupid db's family, no need for anyone else! Just your own family, you and the baby, the way you want to build it, nobody to interfere if you don't let them.

Does your mum know you're having a baby?

Either way, it's very unfair to expect you to spend Christmas on your own, and even more unfair to pretend not to notice that's happening.

Do you have any friends you could invite? Or anything locally you could volunteer at?

Or just cosy up and watch soppy films or whatever you fancy?

I agree don't beg for the family crumbs.

Why aren't OP's parents hosting to bring everyone together? I genuinely don't understand that, why the brother is so distant from his sister, why this is all hush-hush, none of it. What is the usual relationship between OP and her parents - cordial? 🤦‍♀️
Perhaps SiL is the wedge? 🤔
Maybe rip the band-aid off and have a frank chat with brother about the state of their relationship. Put feelings out there, so you've not left anything unsaid. Do same with parents. This family is too small to split. It's hurtful. It causes unnecessary and irreparable resentment. OP shouldn't need her own baby to level up in importance for family gatherings. Inclusion should be automatic. The holiday gathering should be warm, exciting, happy, looked forward to by all. If that's not the case then make peace with preferences and exclusions and go with partner to visit his family and make them your closest relatives.

People genuinely astound me. 😵‍💫

Why haven’t you told your parents you’re pregnant @jellytiger or have I misunderstood? Quite a lot of people have asked and you haven’t clarified…

Have I got this right?

Your brother and SIL don't want you at theirs this Christmas (not sure why, did I miss that?) but DO want to see your parents

Your partner is going to see his family overseas but you don't want to go because of pregnancy. Partner will stay home with you if brother continues to not invite you for 25/12 and you have to be alone

Why can't you go to brothers?

Edit - your family doesn't know you're pregnant?? Wtf? Tangled webs abound!

She might be first trimester? Not so unusual.

There may be a very simple explanation - this sort of happened to me when my sister had grandchildren. We've spent many Christmas's together as a (close )family who do not live near each other, but once grandchildren arrived the reality was there wasn't room for everyone to stay and me and my DH were not invited, but my father was. I was really put out at first, but would have understood if my sister had just been upfront in the first place. Maybe it is just down to available space?

This, and do you actually get on with bro and sil? If they are hosting, what’s the expectation and of guests?

Sounds like theyve deviated from the norm which is the issue here

Your attitude towards your brother, his partner and, to a degree, your parents is rather scathing op. Maybe they were being a bit ‘PFB’ with their premature baby, but if not then, when?? Having a premature baby will inevitably cause concerns and anxieties that may not always seem logical to those on the outside and it’s a shame you’ve made it very much about you feeling hurt and confused at being ousted rather than reflecting that your brother and his wife were probably struggling to change their whole life and relationships around!
It isn’t clear if you really get along with your brother, and less so if you get along with his wife, but it isn’t sounding great.
It may well be that it’s the most convenient for your partner to travel back to NZ now while you have yet to have the baby… but if there’s ever a time to be a bit selfish and ask for a Christmas to the two of you, it’s now I’d say

Do you actually have a 1:1 relationship with your DB or is it just you do stuff "as a family"

I suprised you havent spoken to him / cant ask him.

The pair of them sound pretty intense / unbearable re the baby.

I get why you’re not keen on going to NZ when you’re pregnant, but it’s only going to get harder and more expensive once the baby arrives. Personally, I’d go now and get it done with. I wouldn’t want to do it with a baby or toddler, and once the child is at school you’re stuck with school holidays.

Is this your nephew’s first Christmas? It could be that your parents haven’t been invited either, you know. Some people do that whole “Just our little family” thing once a baby arrives, and don’t want to host anyone at all. Your parents might be wondering if they’ve been left out in the cold too, but don’t want to make alternative plans in the vain hope an invitation is still forthcoming.

Everyone else has already said it, but - you need to ask them. Not hint. Direct question.