Starting to suspect I am not invited for Christmas

[jellytiger]

I've had relationships over the years, but for one reason or another have always spent christmas with my parents- even if a partner has come with me, or we have hosted both sets of parents.

I was always close with my brother until him and his wife had a baby, at which point I stopped really being invited to things. It caused a fair amount of division- me feeling isolated, and confused as to why, but also hurt that my parents saw this happening but wouldnt stick up for me as they didn't want to lose access to their grandchild.

This year there has been no mention to me of christmas. I don't know what I am doing, and suspect my parents have been invited to my brothers, and they want to accept to spend the day with their grandson, but they don't want to tell me what they have decided because I think the expectation is that I will have to spend it alone.

I am feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, as I am pregnant, and am struggling to work out if my feeling of tearfulness is because of hormones or justified. I feel if I tell my parents I'm expecting then they will tell my brother he has to start inviting me to things again and not excluding me, but equally I want to be there because my parents want me there, not because I am providing them with another grandchild.

Since when has a parent inviting their adult daughter for Christmas been called 'babysitting' them?

I invite all my adult children and their partners for Christmas. I'm not babysitting them. I enjoy their company. I don't think what we do is 'weird as fuck' at all. I would imagine that it's pretty common.

It sounds as though OP has been pushed out of the family since her brother and his wife had a baby.

Her parents may change their mind about sidelining her if they will want access to OP's child.

First thing first. Congratulations!! You’re mentioning morning sickness. I hope this will settle soon enough.

You need a chat with your parents.
They know.
They know you’re going to end up alone at Christmas.
They know it’s not nice. Nor is it fair.
They’re avoiding the discussion because it’s easier than having to actually discuss what’s going on. Which is that they’ve chosen your brother and their dgc over to you.
Which is fine. Things often change when babies come along.

What you want is a discussion with them around what Christmas will look like in the following years. Still a family event with everyone? One year with you, one year with him? What will it look like?

Obviously you need to tell them about the pg.
But I’d be ready for them to feel even more guilty and avoidant tbh.

Would you be offended if your kids decided to spend Christmas elsewhere? On their own? With their partners families?

Wow, they are really mean spirited to you at Christmas. No one cares how you feel.

Next year you will have your own family. TBH they don’t deserve to know your lovely news so no need to rush to tell them.

Next year don’t mention Christmas and enjoy it with your new baby and partner and tell them to crack on with their lockdown-joyless-Christmas whilst you create your own gorgeous traditions with your new baby.

Not at all. One of my sons regularly spends Christmas with his partner's parents. My kids, partners and grandchildren are all welcome but I don't get upset if they don't come.

I've read your posts but I'm so confused what happened with your brother. They cut people off who didn't have kids?

But your parents now deem you can't be in the same room as him (as they have him over and won't invite you because they don't want to piss him off and lose access to their grandchild) and so haven't even mentioned Christmas.

Did something else go on with brother? Is he just a knob?

And if you parents are ditching you for their grandchild, then WATF You're their literal child!

Just WhatsApp them on a family chat and breezily ask what the plans are for Christmas this year?

there you go then - not weird at all, op hasnt even asked if she can go

5 pages in and I can’t see that there’s been an explanation as to why you don’t just straight up ask what’s happening this Christmas. Mum, Dad, am I going to you or are you coming to me?

Really, can you not just ask your mum and dad? “Hi both, just wondering if you’ve already made plans for Christmas? I’m happy to host here if not.”

If they have arranged to see your brother, which is fine (and TBH it doesn’t sound fun there so I think you’re well out of it) either arrange to see them on Christmas Eve/ Boxing Day and chill on your own on Christmas Day or suggest that your partner goes to NZ either before or after the day itself.

My petty self would just spend day in bed with a giant charcuterie board and Christmas movies... and start deflecting questions about your rapidly developing pregnancy figure the same way they're deflecting about this.

OP, your post reminded me of this recent thread where the OP's parents just ditched her after her brother had a baby. The OP is now pregnant and her mum is all over her to get access to the new baby. That OP said:

'She definitely realised the impact, I had at one stage told her how I missed hearing from her and how I was desperately lonely and feeling isolated. That was when she told me that the grandchild was now her number one priority, the light of her life and the only thing that mattered to her and my father.

I cant tell you how much that hurt. Not the fact that the grandchild was the priority but that my mother said that they were the ONLY thing that mattered.'

'The first Christmas I was left by myself as they wanted both grandparents to have baby's first Christmas so both sets of in laws went to my brother's.'

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5439715-pregnant-and-now-im-back-in-the-fold

Honestly that sounds like heaven. We will have a houseful again

I think you just need to ask them if you're spending Christmas together as normal.

If you always spend it together, they have left it very late to let you know this year is going to be different

Oh, I really feel for you @jellytiger It sounds as though they've chosen your brother over you.

That is not fair - I think you need to call them on it.

Why not ask straight out? And also, could you tell your mother & father that you're pregnant, and you're exhausted (I assume you're working, and it's hard when you're pregnant) and you'd really like to spend a couple of days with them over Christmas and be a bit spoiled by your parents.

(Now I put my hard hat on for the MN response about doing things the hard way!)

The main thing is - sometimes people are cowards - but without meaning to be. If your suspicions are correct, your parents are just falling in with your brother for a quiet life. They need to be shown that by opting for time with your brother - when your brother has actively excluded you - they are favouring him over you, and treating you unfairly.

It sounds like they haven't realised that fully or the impact it's having on you (I don't blame you for being upset).

You don't have to throw this in their faces - you just need to set up the conversation so they realise it themselves.

How many weeks pregnant are you?
Personally I would have a frank chat with parents. Ask what the plan is, if they redirect, identify this is what they ate doing and ask why.
I think it's lovely that your partner has offered not to go to NZ if you are going to be alone. However also consider it might be his last chance for a while. I get why you don't want to fly that far. I wouldn't either.
Finally, if you are so tired and sick, might it be good to have no expectations on you to do anything over this period? It depends on how bad the symptoms are I guess.

identify this is what they ate doing and ask why.

This! Let them explain themselves to you. And then tell them how that makes you feel. And don't say much more. Silence and letting them realise the penny dropping can be quite effective.

Because usually the SIL goes to the parents Christmas, not the brothers one. Equally they may be curious why don't you host at least once or why not your parents host.....

Honestly, if you're tired and nauseas, take Christmas Day to yourself. Chill out and do whatever you enjoy doing alone. Long bath, lovely food (treat yourself to stuff that you don't need to spend time cooking, nice Waitrose or M&S bits), non-alcoholic fizz, watch movies or read a book that you've been wanting to read.

This'll be the last year when you can just indulge. Next year it'll be nappies and sore nipples! And if no one else is there you can be 100% selfish. Heating at the level you want. Smelly candles. Loll around in PJs.

And postpone your Christmas celebration until your partner is home. The actual birth of Christ wasn't on the 25th Dec so who cares what date you celebrate. He does need to go home this year because there is no way he'll want to go next year, for baby's first Christmas. And you won't want to fly that far with a baby either.

Context is important why has he stopped inviting you since having a child ? And id discuss this now because what happens next year when you both have a child are your parents going to have to pick who they spend time with and which grandchild they want to see ? Its going to get messy unless its dealt with soon.

Appreciate you are feeling vulnerable OP but would it be such a bad thing to have a quiet day on your own? Last one for decades where you can just chill? Really magnanimous that you are encouraging your DP to go see his family so unless yours offer I’d let it drop.

My reading of @jellytiger 's feelings & dilemma is that it's not really about Christmas Day, as such. It's about being frozen out of her own family, and being overlooked ignored & not cared about.

Just ask them what their Christmas plans are. If your brothers baby is brought up, and fears of your parents losing access to said child, explain to them, without telling them youre pregnant, that they're setting the scene for when you start a family. They're you parents, you shouldn't have to beg.

I hate Christmas partly because of all this crap. I feel sorry for you really. Do your parents know your partner is going away? I think it’s a little cowardly that they haven’t asked what you’re doing if they’ve accepted an invite where you’re not invited, especially if you have spent every Christmas with them previously. I would just plan to spend the day alone at this point (sounds like heaven to me but I appreciate this is because I’m old and have navigated co-parenting on top of divorced parents) I’m thinking they probably think they’ll be off the hook because you have a partner. I do think you need to rip the plaster off though and get to the bottom of why your brother isn’t wanting you there, I’m conflict avoidant so I get it but it’s all a bit weird isn’t it? I don’t understand why people suddenly prioritise grandchildren over children either but I suppose until I’m a Nan I may not understand.

Why can't you just ask your parents what they're doing for Christmas?

It's a simple enough question and quite a common one.