Starting to suspect I am not invited for Christmas

[jellytiger]

I've had relationships over the years, but for one reason or another have always spent christmas with my parents- even if a partner has come with me, or we have hosted both sets of parents.

I was always close with my brother until him and his wife had a baby, at which point I stopped really being invited to things. It caused a fair amount of division- me feeling isolated, and confused as to why, but also hurt that my parents saw this happening but wouldnt stick up for me as they didn't want to lose access to their grandchild.

This year there has been no mention to me of christmas. I don't know what I am doing, and suspect my parents have been invited to my brothers, and they want to accept to spend the day with their grandson, but they don't want to tell me what they have decided because I think the expectation is that I will have to spend it alone.

I am feeling quite vulnerable at the moment, as I am pregnant, and am struggling to work out if my feeling of tearfulness is because of hormones or justified. I feel if I tell my parents I'm expecting then they will tell my brother he has to start inviting me to things again and not excluding me, but equally I want to be there because my parents want me there, not because I am providing them with another grandchild.

I assume because her partner was originally planning on going abroad for Christmas

Thanks, I didnt read the unedited post

Meant kindly, I think it’s a bit strange to assume that you are always going to spend Christmas Day with your parents well into your adulthood. There is a lot of fun to be had by going away at Christmas or having a friends Christmas.

You and your DP might want to host your parents one year, but it shouldn’t be automatically expected that inviting your parents means inviting your siblings and their partners and children too.

Why can’t you go with your partner to see his family?

I’ve read your updates.
You need to have a chat with your mum and dad about the pregnancy- perhaps you and your partner go and see her.
If you don’t tell them they will be very upset and that won’t do your relationship with them any good at all.

Just ask- what are you up to this Christmas- “oh, going to DB’s? Can I give you their presents to take round?” Or why not you and partner call round yourselves? Break your good news?

If sil had such a bad time and a prem baby, it’s understandable she went so over the top- cut her some slack.

All this is normal behaviour!

Why can’t you go to spend Christmas with your partner’s family- they will be babies grandparents too.
Or is there more backstory about them too?

Can you go with your partner to visit his parents?

As an adult with a partner surely you’d spend Christmas with them? I haven’t spent Christmas with either of my brothers in years .

No it isnt unhinged

I'm not saying this because theyre not bothering to invite their pregnant daughter to christmas

But in general, they did not bother to stand up for her when her brother distanced himself, nor do they seem massively interested in maintaining a relationship with her, it seems

There must be a backstory because their behaviour is weird as fuck

I would feel hurt too, OP, but in my experience there is nothing you can say or do to change what people are like. If your partner wants to go home to visit his parents, why don't you have a lovely few days alone? Get all your favourite food in, watch your favourite tv shows and have a really good rest. I wonder will your parents be so casual with your feelings when your baby is born? They should be careful that you don't permanently distance yourself and their next grandchild from them.

I would expect DP to spend Christmas with me and visit his family in January.

But it sounds like the only reason her brother "distanced himself" is because he went through something quite traumatic, and distanced himself from everyone to protect his poorly newborn.

It is weird as fuck. It's weird as fuck to be a grown adult expecting your parents to babysit you every Christmas!

Just have a chat with your mum. They probably think you're spending Christmas with your partner's family. I doubt your brother is intentionally excluding you or that anyone would want you to spend Christmas alone

Aare you the person whose family has had issues because you bring your dog everywhere?

Whether you are or aren't, why on earth can't you just ring your mum and say, "Right mum, what's the plan for Christmas?" I think if you have spent every single christmas with your parents for your entire life, it's not weird to assume you're spending it with them. Why not just talk to them?

But then< i don't really understand why you're not telling them you're pregant either. Is there more going on here?

Maybe it’s time to start making your own Christmas traditions now that you are with DP and are starting your own family.

Perhaps think how you could make this Christmas special for the two of you before you become a family of 3 next Christmas? What would your ideal Christmas look like now that your life will be changing immeasurably too soon, and think about how you can make that happen?

Could you go with DP to visit his family?

You can also talk to your parents to see what they are doing over Christmas; plenty of people like the actual day just for their own nuclear family, and see other family either side of Christmas Day - maybe this is what your DBro would like going forward but he’s not being upfront about it.

How old will your baby be next Christmas? I'm wondering if it's an option for your partner to stay with you this Christmas and for you both to visit his family next year? Alternatively could they come to you next year?

The poster edited their original spiteful comment which said that no one needs to parent the OP or her children, her SIL was probably exhausted having to look after her kids and it wasn't other people's fault she didn't have a partner. When people pointed out that the OP hadn't said she had other kids or that she was single it was hastily edited to mask their stupidity... although not very well

This is what I would expect or for you to go with him to spend Christmas together with his family.

I find it odd that he was going to just leave you alone over Christmas without knowing what your plans were even before you found out about the pregnancy.

I presume your parents think given you've not mentioned Christmas that you and your partner are spending it together, which would be quite normal for a couple.

😭😭 its weird to be around family? You dont distance yourself from your pregnant sister but not your parents to the point your sister is not invited for xmas, thats not normal

Is visiting your partner's family with them an option?

Wait til you have a baby and then see how bloody thrilled you are with cooking and entertaining everyone, not to mention paying for it all. 😂

Why haven’t you ever hosted? We are the only ones who have ever hosted Christmas. In 17 years with Dh, BIL/SIL have never hosted Christmas. Nor has MIL. It’s us, the only ones with children, every bloody year. They would never see each other otherwise. It’s important to Dh to spend Christmas with them, so I put up with it (and the £££ spent, one year cost me £800 to host them all, they brought a few beers and a packet of crisps, no one offers to contribute to the cost). But god, if it doesn’t make me feel used. I hate it.

Maybe they just want a simpler time now that they have a child? I bet you will too. I have finally gotten out of it only by getting cancer. I don’t host anymore. And no one gets together on Christmas, as predicted.

This is tricky because BOTH knowing about the pregnancy and knowing that your partner will be away over Christmas (if he goes) could influence what your family do. Can you just ask your parents conversationally what their plans are for Christmas, without mentioning the pregnancy or your partner's trip - maybe as part of a routine phone check-in if you don't see them in person regularly? You may not get a straight answer, but you might feel better just having broached the subject and not having it completely looming over you, regardless of what you eventually decide to do.

Sorry to hear about your nephew; is he doing better now? Is there still a medical reason for your brother and SIL to (mostly) isolate him?

As an earlier poster suggested invite them to yours,

It's weird to expect an invite every year.

I'm close to my brother. I enjoy spending time with him. I also don't invite him over at Christmas, just because I've invited my parents. He's an adult with his own life. He'd be very welcome of course. If he did want to come, he could just ask me. I realise communication is an alien concept to a lot of people here though.

There's nothing in OP's posts that suggests her brother has actively distanced himself. He doesn't even know she's pregnant for crying out loud!

Not really, the plan was for him to go to New Zealand for three weeks as he has a baby nephew out there he hasn't met yet. I don't feel happy flying that far. His work shuts over christmas so he can use AL either side to make the trip worthwhile, but he's now thinking of not going or cutting it short which will be a real shame.

I have hosted and hosted a fair amount, but it is always spent with my parents, so they and my brother would come to me, or I would go to them. I just don't feel able to this year, partly as the plan was for me to be by myself, but also now as I am so bloody tired. I'm also still having bouts of sickness, and don't feel able to commit to cooking