Girl I’ve been seeing doesn’t want me to ‘pull the rug out’

[Monzo235]

I’ve been seeing a girl for 2 and a half months. She’s 36 I’m 29. Today she sent me these messages:

‘Trying to think of the best way to say this - but will just say there’s always the small part of my brain that’s afraid of the rug being pulled out from under me from someone I like’.

I said I think everyone feels that to some extent. And she replied: ‘But here’s where you also to some extent (even if it’s not truthful) tell me you’re not going to do this to me suddenly one day’.

thing is. I’ve told her multiple times now that next year I might want to move abroad. I’ve told her I want kids one day and I’m worried about timelines with our age difference. She’s told me to chill out and live in the grey for a while.

I said to her ‘That’s okay. I mean this is kinda why I’ve said the things I’ve said before. I don’t want you to feel blindsided. The last thing I want to do is hurt you’.

I’m really starting to feel a lot of pressure. If I want to break up with her at some point, I will. I don’t want to be told I can’t. And that feels like basically what she wants me to say?

Can anyone help with this?

Yes. And I told her all that. I said from the start and still do now that I may want to move abroad next year, I still have a lot of uncertainty in my life, can’t promise anything except respect and kindness.

I said I was happy to see how it goes with us just seeing eachother. I haven’t back tracked on anything. I’ve told her I’m concerned about timelines for kids and that it won’t work if she doesn’t want them.

she’s said she’s fine with all of this.

it’s more me worried about how attached im getting

let’s be honest. You would’ve slagged me off whatever I said

Not once, in any of your threads have I 'slagged you off.' But your defensive reaction (and inability to actually address the point that I made) is quite telling. It indicates that you don't really want help, so not sure why you keep posting.

Anyway...as many posters before me, I'm done with this now too. Best of luck to you.

Age difference isn’t an issue if it works. I’m 36 and my boyfriend is 45. We’ve been together for two years and are very happy, but we want the same things.

The issue is what you want. But you don’t know what you want.

You say you want kids but not for several years. That means this woman is not a long term partner for you, so just have fun and leave when it comes time for you to go travelling. You’ve told her so she knows the deal.

But then you go on about wanting her to say she wants kids as you might want them with her…. But then you need to accept that you can’t go off abroad. You don’t need to make the decision now, but you have to be open to changing that plan. Just date. If you’re still together in a year then start planning the kids. But, I really don’t think she wants kids so you might end up breaking up anyway and then you can go travel. You won’t have lost anything.

It just doesn’t sound at all like you know what you want. She has said to go with the flow and have fun, that sounds like it should suit you as you can’t have kids with her anyway since you want to wait a few years. So just enjoy a year of dating and then go abroad. Settle down with someone else. But you’re not happy with that so… what do you want?

I don’t know. I think the issue is that I genuinely really really care about her and have feelings. So I’m worried I’m gonna throw away my life plans for her

Age difference has nothing to do with it. There's a much bigger age difference between me and my partner. He's 28.

The real difference is he's mature and deals with his anxiety in a healthy way. You need to get professional help and leave this poor woman alone before your selfishness hurts her. It is very selfish to be forcing her to continually have conversations about your life plans for the future when you have been dating less than 3 months.

She really should be seeing the red flags everyone here sees and dumping you!

Well what does he say. Does he want kids? Is he happy with the way it’s going? How old are you?

also I don’t continually force anything. We’ve talked about it twice. And I say we should talk when we need to. We plan to next week.

should I just be staying quiet about how I really like her but feel pressure that if we do want kids it’ll have to be in the next 2 years?

Our relationship is none of your business.

Talking about this twice and another to go next week is too often.

You aren't mature enough to be in a relationship as you are acting like a 14 year old. It's all about what you want and your incessant threads about the same thing, using multiple user names, over more than 2 weeks now is proof you don't take advice. You are attention seeking. If you really were anxious you would go get therapy.

I wasn’t trying to pry. I just thought it might help if I knew what your dynamic was like.

she said she doesn’t want me to ‘pull the rug out from under her suddenly one day’. So we talk.

Talking is good. A 14 year old wouldn’t even consider it

Her emotions with being broken up with, now or later, aren’t your responsibility. Act with kindness, integrity and honesty. Now, tomorrow and in 2-3yrs time if necessary. Anything beyond that isn’t in your remit to control or influence.

It’s her choice whether to date a 29yr old, whether she wants kids and to decide a timeline for having them.

It’s your choice whether to date a 36yr old and whether or not to prioritise her over moving or your own kids timeline.

Own your choices. Accept what can’t yet be known.

Part of anxiety therapy is learning how to sit with uncomfortable or distressing feelings. Google this and take it in if you can’t afford to have therapy or don’t want to.

I’ve had therapy. And I’ve tried very hard to embrace the discomfort. Very hard. Hence why I thought I’d give this a chance.

I know anything could happen between now and 2 years time. That’s why she told me to not worry about kids yet. But how can I do that?

I just… don’t like this feeling. It feels like grief. Like I’m sat by a hospital bed of someone who’s been in a car crash, waiting to know if they’re gonna die or live

What the actual? Your last paragraph confirms to me what everyone has been saying, such a dramatic overreaction to have after 2.5 months.

I said I was going to step away from this thread, but it's like a car crash and I can't stop watching

But how can I do that? I just… don’t like this feeling. It feels like grief. Like I’m sat by a hospital bed of someone who’s been in a car crash, waiting to know if they’re gonna die or live

And these are the uncomfortable feeling you need to learn how to sit with. If you can’t do it then you have to live with the anxiety. It’s as simple as that. I suggest you look into therapy techniques again and with more focus.

No one can give your the answer you’re looking for. Because what you’re really looking for is for it to be solved now – and that’s not going to happen.

You must accept this and make your choices anyway.

To you mate. To you.

To everyone here ffs. It's totally OTT to say such a thing about a 2.5 month long relationship. If you're so certain that you've told her everything and it's all above board why are you making so many hand wringing threads. Either you're upfront and honest so you continue it. Or it doesn't feel good and you end it. But for God's sake get off the fence and make a choice. This neurotic swithering about is ridiculous

Fine. That’s fair.

I’ve told her everything except that we’d probably need to start trying for kids in 2 years time if this works out. Which I felt I wouldn’t say because that seems a bit intense.

at times it feels good. At times I feel like I’m going insane. But that’s mainly my fear of what could happen and how attached I get

Welcome to real life, OP. If you have managed to minimise uncertainty in your life until now, surely you see that living that way causes extreme restrictions, and rules out most relationships.

And in your shoes I would try be honest with myself about the relationship.

You’ve only been exclusive with this woman for three weeks, and you’ve already brought up your worries about children twice and are planning to do it again next week. You say you’ve already developed deep feelings for this woman, but nothing you say about her indicates this. You are more eloquent on the fact that you were single for years before her, and that she ‘treats you well’, in contrast to the ‘users’ and ‘judgemental woman’ you’ve dated.

I think you’re deluding yourself about the deep feelings.

It’s not even a 2.5 month relatiinship — they’ve only been exclusive for three weeks.

I hear what you’re saying. But please stop minimising my feelings. It’s not cool.

this is the deepest feelings I’ve developed for anyone since my ex. Probably deeper. So yes, it is that deep to me.

you’re right. I do minimise risk. That’s why I haven’t been with anyone in 3 years. As I didn’t want to go through another break up.
I thought I’d give this one a chance as she’s cool. I’m now afraid of what’s gonna happen.

All of your threads are about your inability to manage your emotions. They’re not sacred, or bigger than everyone else’s. It sounds to me as if you’re incapable, currently, of a balanced emotional life, and as if you’re trying to convince yourself you’re desperately in love with this woman and can’t walk away, even though it would be far more rational, given your heightened anxiety and mismatched future timescales.

You can always end a relationship. I’ve ended a much longer relationship with someone I genuinely loved for reasons of geography.

What are you hoping to achieve by talking to her about this again next week? She’s already told you she would be up for having kids with the right person but, understandably, she doesn’t know if that’s you or not yet.

She can’t help you figure this out. All you’re doing is transferring the stress you’ve manufactured onto her, which is an unpleasant thing to do to someone you claim to care about. You’ve already admitted there is absolutely no way for her to respond with anything you’d be happy to hear, so what would you want her to say?

The possibility of having children in the future is apparently very important to you. In this relationship, you’ve decided this can only happen if you have children within the next two years (if she decides she wants to) because you don’t want to have a baby when she’s closer to 40. You don’t want a baby in the next two years, and you’re not willing to wait longer, so the rules you’ve created around this mean you can’t ever have a baby with this woman.

It seems the only options remaining are to write off having children, or to end the relationship. What other choices are there?

Well I just had a call with her. She said the message she sent asking me to never leave came across wrong. She didn’t mean that and more trying to say don’t just break up out the blue with no explanation like an ex did.

she also said she’s very in the moment. Said if I ever need to leave I can. And if there’s ever a point where we don’t want to do it anymore. Or I don’t. We can end it. She’s aware that day may come.

i told her the age difference between us can make me feel a bit pressured. But that’s my issue to deal with.

she said she’s not asking for my babies right now. And just really likes me and is living in the moment.

So it is really on me. My dad said I just need to relax and this is really about my intense attachment anxiety. As I get really afraid of getting attached then not being able to leave. Which is true.

I guess the option is to just let it naturally evolve and enjoy the present too? It’s more about my attachment anxiety tbh

Just go with the flow then and stop catastropising, what will be will be.

Any advice on how to do that?