Girl I’ve been seeing doesn’t want me to ‘pull the rug out’

[Monzo235]

I’ve been seeing a girl for 2 and a half months. She’s 36 I’m 29. Today she sent me these messages:

‘Trying to think of the best way to say this - but will just say there’s always the small part of my brain that’s afraid of the rug being pulled out from under me from someone I like’.

I said I think everyone feels that to some extent. And she replied: ‘But here’s where you also to some extent (even if it’s not truthful) tell me you’re not going to do this to me suddenly one day’.

thing is. I’ve told her multiple times now that next year I might want to move abroad. I’ve told her I want kids one day and I’m worried about timelines with our age difference. She’s told me to chill out and live in the grey for a while.

I said to her ‘That’s okay. I mean this is kinda why I’ve said the things I’ve said before. I don’t want you to feel blindsided. The last thing I want to do is hurt you’.

I’m really starting to feel a lot of pressure. If I want to break up with her at some point, I will. I don’t want to be told I can’t. And that feels like basically what she wants me to say?

Can anyone help with this?

Again. Not true.

Your comment was deleted for breaking talk guidelines, because you used a personal attack against another poster. Look at your deleted comment; the message from mumsnet tells us it’s because of breaking talking guidelines. If it was deleted for being a duplicate then it would say “duplicate post” in the mumsnet message.

Maybe just stop arguing when people can see exactly what happened for themselves.

I’m seeing a pattern in the way you just refuse to listen to anyone and continue gaslighting.

You cannot call someone a scumbag on mumsnet. It isn’t allowed. That’s why they deleted your comment. You’re literally arguing against a fact. This is not an opinion.

Someone who says 'Ew' when they see children on the street is someone who does not like children. She doesn't want them, period.

What she is saying to you in an attempt to hold on to this fledgling relationship Is irrelevant. Anyone can say whatever they want to try and make things go their way but the proof is in the actions. She. Doesn't. Like. Kids.

End the relationship, this is very obvious.

I’m not fucking gaslighting!!

im talking about someone who I’m falling for, who may not fit my timeline, and it’s gonna break my heart as well as hers to leave.

fuck me why is everyone such a git on here?! Is there 0 empathy from everyone here?

i am a kind, caring person. I care so much, im terrified of leave a relationship because of how much I feel my emotions and scared of hurting there’s. That is not someone who is a gaslighter.

"She" meant the abusive post, not any of your previous threads.

then yes. Fair.

I still stand by it. I’m not just gonna take those kinds of comments that aren’t true

It's been 2.5 months FFS, what you so terrified about?

You haven’t ever fallen for someone in 2 and a half months? I know people who have declared their partner as the one after 3 dates.

just because it’s been a relatively short amount of time doesn’t mean I can’t feel strong things.

Youve not answered the question, what are you terrified about? If youre terrified about ending a 2.5 month relationship then you really need to seek help, that really isn't normal

I’m terrified of her reaction. Of my reaction. Losing someone I really care for. Worried I may not find someone like this again. I’ve been alone for 3 years up till now, the relationship before that was a nightmare. So really alone longer. worried about making a mistake.

Again, that's not a normal reaction, kindly you need to end it and get help for your mental health before you get into another relationship. It's not fair on her for you to bring all this baggage into a brand new relationship, it should be fun and lighthearted not full of angst and anxiety

But should it? Because what happens when the serious stuff all comes along and it’s no longer light hearted, but you haven’t discussed the serious stuff and it suddenly abruptly ends?

Like where is that transition period.

like what happens when I’m 30, she’s 37 and almost 38, in a years time, and she’s demanding proper commitment

This has been answered on every single one of your threads but you're ignoring it.

Good luck to you, I'm out

Please direct me to where that was answered??

People keep doing this. Saying it’s been answered. Then it hasn’t been. Then leaving. And it’s quite frustrating for me too

She’s listened when you’ve explained how much you want kids in the future, and she told you she’d like to have children if she’s in the right relationship. She’s also okay with not having them if that’s how it goes. You might be the right person, you might not, it’s entirely normal that she doesn’t know after dating for ten weeks…but this preoccupation with ‘timelines’, combined with your inability to handle uncertainty, have created a catch-22 situation which isn’t fair to her.

If she told you she does want children with you, you’d panic because you don’t want babies in the next couple of years - you want to spend a year abroad, and you’ve said you need more time before you’ll feel ready to be a parent. But you want children at some point and you’re worried about her age, so you want her to confirm whether trying for babies with you will be on the cards within the next couple of years. Whatever she says will stress you out: there’s no way for her to give an answer you’ll be happy with.

If the chance to have kids at some point matters more to you than anything else, but you don’t want to have them soon, and you also don’t want to wait and have a baby with someone who’s approaching 40, she’s not the one for you. You need to end it, be single for a while, go back to therapy for more help with your anxiety, and get yourself into a healthier place before you think about dating again.

As everyone has said, this is your issue to solve. Find a good therapist, and work very, very hard. Commit to the process of learning to handle your anxiety. Recognise that it may be a very slow one. And don’t date until you have done the work on yourself.

You’re correct yes. This is all completely my fault. I didn’t mean for it to happen this way. I didn’t mean for my feelings to become this loop of no right answer. And her answers have been more than fair.

I’ve been waiting to see how I’d feel about having kids in the next 2 years. As she said, it may fall apart before then. But honestly, other than the kids thing, there is nothing wrong with this relationship at all so far. which is why I’m so conflicted. And wondering if I should just naturally let it run a bit more. Try ignore about the anxiety.

if I do break up with her, I have no idea how to explain this all to her. As it would just seem I’m calling off something really nice for a future issue I’m hypothesising.

can I ask. This supposed healthy person everyone is telling me I’m not. How would they be reacting to this situation? Like in your mind if someone posted this without all my supposed problems. How would that look?

You don't seem to be comprehending what everyone, pretty unanimously is telling you. The advice is being repeated by multiple posters. There isn't any way to direct you to any one specific reply when people have been telling you it's already been answered because there are multiple replies all throughout all of your various threads answering your questions and spelling it out to you clearly. You're either ignoring it or you aren't understanding.

Either way, mumsnet can't help you at this point. Your entire logic/reasoning isn't normal and there is no way to explain it to someone whose brain won't process the answer the way most others would be able to. I'm not saying this to be rude, but you genuinely need professional help. Nothing anyone says here is going to make a difference for you.

I personally would have broken up with her. As soon as she started saying 'ew' at children I would realize she doesn't like kids/probably wouldn't make a good parent and I would have ended it then.

No over analyzing or making it a bigger deal than it is for a new relationship. Even if I thought I already really liked the person, I recognize that people often show you what they want to show you in the early stages and you haven't truly encountered the real them yet. So her obvious dislike towards kids is what I'd have based my decision on if I wanted kids in the future. The rest of it doesn't matter.

What do you honestly think of the age difference?

I'd stop repeating it if I were you, another of your posts got deleted for breaking talk guidelines.

When anyone feels strong feelings for a relative stranger so early in the relationship, it isn't love, and it isn't about the other person. It's about the image of them you have in your mind, made up of the 'best self' they are presenting to you, and a whole lot of your own hopes, dreams and projections.

That is why the first few months should be just fun and getting to know eachother, not 'will you have my babies in 7 years' or 'don't pull the rug out from under me'.

Whichever way you look at it, you either 'pull the rug' now, or in a year.

Or you stay together, abandon your plans, and MN doubtless will have loads of posts from you to see them through a cold winter and beyond.

However long you stay, this is never going to be an easy relationship - the start is always the easiest it ever is, because you are both on your best behaviour.

Yes, everyone brings baggage to a relationship, but the best relationships come when people can carry their own baggage, and don't each want to make the other responsible for carrying it.

Someone who knew themselves better and was either not someone with your problems, or someone who had the same problems as you but was managing them optimally, would either

(1) not have entered into a relationship with someone whose priorities and future timelines were obviously not going to match theirs in the first place

(2) have been very clear with themselves and the other person involved that they were probably leaving the country in a year and therefore were dating only casually
or

(3) been able to handle the entirely normal uncertainties based into the early stages of any relationship without panic and making their emotional baggage the other person’s problem.

Instead, knowing you want children, but not in the short-term future, knowing you have plans to possibly move away from the country you’re living in, and knowing that you’re terrified both of commitment and of going back on the dating scene, you entered into a relationship with someone completely unsuitable unless you completely reinvent your own planned future, and are completely unable to manage your anxiety.

You know perfectly well you couldn’t be an adequate parent in the near future.

Point proven. You ignored what I said and focused on a part that doesn't matter, given the answer I provided to you about what I would have done in your situation.