Girl I’ve been seeing doesn’t want me to ‘pull the rug out’

[Monzo235]

I’ve been seeing a girl for 2 and a half months. She’s 36 I’m 29. Today she sent me these messages:

‘Trying to think of the best way to say this - but will just say there’s always the small part of my brain that’s afraid of the rug being pulled out from under me from someone I like’.

I said I think everyone feels that to some extent. And she replied: ‘But here’s where you also to some extent (even if it’s not truthful) tell me you’re not going to do this to me suddenly one day’.

thing is. I’ve told her multiple times now that next year I might want to move abroad. I’ve told her I want kids one day and I’m worried about timelines with our age difference. She’s told me to chill out and live in the grey for a while.

I said to her ‘That’s okay. I mean this is kinda why I’ve said the things I’ve said before. I don’t want you to feel blindsided. The last thing I want to do is hurt you’.

I’m really starting to feel a lot of pressure. If I want to break up with her at some point, I will. I don’t want to be told I can’t. And that feels like basically what she wants me to say?

Can anyone help with this?

Who said I’ve been droning on about this to her? I’ve talked about it twice.

I voice most of my anxieties here so she doesn’t have to deal with them

But why aren’t you ending it? You’ve told her and us (and various other places on the internet) multiple times that you’re not okay with the uncertainty that comes with relationships. You know you’re not suited to being in a relationship right now, but you’re not listening to yourself, or any of the advice you’ve received after asking for it. So…what’s going on?

It's like talking to a brick wall.

‘Trying to think of the best way to say this - but will just say there’s always the small part of my brain that’s afraid of the rug being pulled out from under me from someone I like’.

Nowhere in this message did she ask you to ‘promise her’. That’s your wording.

Why not just sleep around, have a few on the boil. Personaly if I were you I'd have the snip just in case any offspring turn out the same as you. Give her the best chance in life and let her go. She's wasted on you

becuase there’s conflicting advice here.

saying ‘this is just relationships’, means if I want to be in one then this is just the way it is and I might as well stay and see what happens.

the other advice is leave immediately otherwise I cant hypothetically have kids.

so which is it

This relationship is not right for you (or her) at tye moment. You sound like you want someone who is living in the moment now. Having fun, no big ties, no concerns about fertility. You are on different pages. Why drag this along?

The second message she sent later did ask for a promise.

Well she tells me that’s what she’s doing

Taken into account how? You just keep repeating yourself over and over and making multiple threads on the same topic.

Except no one who has read all your threads has said this. They have said that your poor MH and black and white thinking means you are not currently capable of any kind of meaningful relationship, and that, if you want a committed relationship and children, in your future, you need to do a lot of work on yourself before even contemplating dating again. There’s nothing stopping you travelling, getting a dog while you do so.

she will, one hopes, end the relationship, thereby allowing you to preserve your sense of yourself as the good guy let down by a woman yet again.
Which I assume is what you’re planning, anyway, judging by your behaviour

So much this. He has another thread under this username in which he blames her for not heeding the “warnings” he’s shown, where he says her ‘go with the flow’ attitude is the reason she was still single at 36 (and she shouldn’t be surprised guys have taken advantage and treated her poorly), along with suggesting that he’s “done all the emotional heavy lifting” so he’s just not bothering any more and it’s on her to end it because he’s already had to do too much.

I think we’re dealing with a “nice guy” here…

No, OP. Stop putting the onus of ‘conflicting advice’ on posters here.

saying ‘this is just relationships’, means if I want to be in one then this is just the way it is and I might as well stay and see what happens.

This is general life advice as you to how you personally cope with anxiety.

the other advice is leave immediately otherwise I cant hypothetically have kids.

this is NOT the other advice. I have read all your threads. The advice is to leave because you are not currently compatible and you are too immature for it right now.

The question is – why are you pushing decision-making about your own life on women all the time?

What’s your decision? You’ve had 3-4 rounds of advice now over a period of weeks. What’s your decision on what to do?

Can you explain how my poor MH and black and white thinking is doing anything here though?

like what exactly is wrong with the way im approaching this

Are you wanting her to make the decision? So all the "blame" can be with her and you step away with a "poor me, at least I tried, it was her" attitude?

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

So say you can’t make promises, and her reaction to that is hers to own and decide on.

Or better yet, end it.

I’m younger than you and wouldn't allow someone to wish wash my time away. I certainly wouldn’t if I was in my thirties and wanting children.

If you are indecisive in what you want and whether you want to move abroad next year, then unless you find someone who is willing to be in a long distant relationship (which won’t be many) then you are going to have to stay single or have casual relationships.

Yet you know she’s not, because she’s now asking for promises. So end it.

Yes. I said I can’t promise forever but I will promise not to intentionally hurt her. And then reiterated that I do not know where I’ll be in a year, may want to live abroad and generally have a lot of uncertainty. And wanted to make sure she’s still aware of that

Because it’s ok for her! You’ve said what you want and she said ok. If she can give you kids in a few years then she will, but if she can’t then that’s ok too. And she is assuming that, because you’re an adult with a brain, you are aware of the realities of her age and are willing to stay anyway. If you stay it means you’re saying it’s ok if her age prevents it later.

You’ve said what you want. She has said that’s fine, if it’s possible. You’ve stayed. You’re telling her that you’re ok with it when you’re not. So end it. Just grow up you utter child

No. I’m wanting her to engage with some thinking with me so I don’t have to unanimously end something nice.

OK. So what advice are you looking for? You can’t make promises, you will continue to be honest with her on your feelings going forward.

What advice are you looking for?

No I’m not. What I’m saying is i need it know if this is on the table. She said it’s too early to know with me (which is fair). But it will mean I leaver eventually if she can’t commit to that soon

So tell her that then.