Girl I’ve been seeing doesn’t want me to ‘pull the rug out’

[Monzo235]

I’ve been seeing a girl for 2 and a half months. She’s 36 I’m 29. Today she sent me these messages:

‘Trying to think of the best way to say this - but will just say there’s always the small part of my brain that’s afraid of the rug being pulled out from under me from someone I like’.

I said I think everyone feels that to some extent. And she replied: ‘But here’s where you also to some extent (even if it’s not truthful) tell me you’re not going to do this to me suddenly one day’.

thing is. I’ve told her multiple times now that next year I might want to move abroad. I’ve told her I want kids one day and I’m worried about timelines with our age difference. She’s told me to chill out and live in the grey for a while.

I said to her ‘That’s okay. I mean this is kinda why I’ve said the things I’ve said before. I don’t want you to feel blindsided. The last thing I want to do is hurt you’.

I’m really starting to feel a lot of pressure. If I want to break up with her at some point, I will. I don’t want to be told I can’t. And that feels like basically what she wants me to say?

Can anyone help with this?

Then find someone younger who isn’t coming to the latter stages of their fertility. If you waste a few years with a 20 something you both have time on your side.

But as me and many others have said across your numerous threads, you really shouldn’t be dating anyone until you’ve done a lot of work on yourself

But your issues are off the scale and you can’t see this selfish and destructive this is.

The level of anxiety is toxic and damaging to you both.

Leave her alone to move forward

It sounds like you have answered her clearly, which is all you can do.

You don't need to promise her a future, any more than she needs to promise you one.

If you want kids but you’re not ready now then this woman is not the right woman. She is too old. Being realistic, at her age you need to start trying now or within the next couple years.

You’re not ready for that. If you stay with her and want kids then you very well may not have them if you wait years. So why waste her time and yours?

This isn’t the right relationship. End it. Sort yourself out. Then date women your own age so you have a few years to waste.

But you realise I have told her literally everything I think? Her fertility window can’t be my responsibility once I’ve told her everything

TROLL.

Or idiot.

Probably a bit of both.

yes but I have flat out told her everything and she still wants me to stay … so… it’s not as easy as just up and leaving

Yeah. I have. Many times. But she’s still pushing forward anyway

It really is that easy.

Who you date is your responsibility. You’ve told her what you want, she’s talked about her age and how it may not happen later… and you’ve chosen to stay with her. That says, to her, that you’re ok with it. And if kids don’t happen then you’re ok with it.

If you’re not then why are you dating someone who is going to be too old to have kids when you are ready. You’re the one with the problem, not her. You want the kids but you want them a few years down the line, not her. So you’re the one who needs to end the relationship because it doesn’t work for you, not her.

You’re wasting everyone’s time. Including hers.

Why do you keep posting when you ignore every bit of advice? Seriously, why are you still doing this?

What do you actually want?? You’re being told the same thing over and over again but you just argue back.

You’re wasting this woman’s time and are too fucking selfish and self absorbed to care because it’s all me me me me me me me.

I’m out - I feel so sorry for this poor woman that she ever met you

Yes, it is. She wants you, and she isn’t desperate for the kids. Now or later by the sounds of it. So, if they don’t happen then that’s fine. You know her age, she knows that you know kids might not happen with her. She has said she wants you anyway, that’s fine for her. But it’s not fine for you. You don’t want her anyway because you want kids. So it’s your responsibility to end it because it doesn’t work for you.

Doesn’t matter if it works for her and she wants to carry on. Obviously she won’t end it in that case. But it doesn’t work for you, so you end it.

Sounds like you know it isn’t the right relationship but you want her to be the one to end it? Why?

But she doesn't want this, she clearly doesn't want a short term thing. You need to end this relationship because your on different pages

I don’t know. Because whenever I think about ending it I become overwhelmed with the feeling of anxiety and grief and can’t do it

So does MN look in to multiple threads like this, assuming they’ve already decided he’s not a troll (has anyone reported it?). Multiple threads like this - to me - indicate a very unhealthy person. Although I’m betting on a bored teen or troll…

Then you just need to grow up. You’re behaving like a child.

If you want her, and she is “the one” then your timetable of life has to change. Because kids with her can’t really wait.

But if the life you had planned with travel etc is more important (and there is nothing wrong with wanting the fun life first at all) then you need to end it, because you’re wasting her time and yours and you’re just going to cause more hurt.

But really though, get some therapy.

She's more invested than you are and you are intending to dump her when you move abroad, so just do it now, you are not being fair.

Stop doing it then

But why isn’t she listening to me? I’ve told her multiple times about this and that I’m not okay with not having kids. She knows. She said it’s okay. So… what’s going on

She told you she’s happy to go with the flow. That she’d be happy to have kids with the right person (you wanted her to confirm if that person was you, but understandably she couldn’t answer that yet), or she would equally be fine with never having them if it didn’t work out like that for her.

Why are you so fixated on this imaginary situation where she holds this against you? It’s YOU who is worried about being able to have kids in the future; she’s not that bothered.

Okay. Except she then recently told me to ‘promise to not pull the rug out from under her’. But yeah…

So why do I need to end it then? If I can just relax and go with the flow like she is?

Why aren't you listening to anyone on this thread?

So just keep whining to her about your anxiety and your magic desire to be in a relationship where the other person is guaranteed not to end things and cause you anxiety, and can also provide you with children at a time of your choosing, but you remain totally uncommitted and ‘not tied down for life’ — and she will, one hopes, end the relationship, thereby allowing you to preserve your sense of yourself as the good guy let down by a woman yet again.

Which I assume is what you’re planning, anyway, judging by your behaviour.

No self-respecting woman who has been dating someone for two and a half months, most of that while also seeing other people, wants to listen to their brand-new boyfriend’s endless litanies about his anxiety about the future and her fertility window making him have to have children with her sooner than he planned etc etc.

I am. Just because I’m not immediately acting on the advice of strangers doesn’t mean it’s not being taken into account

This is where you are immature, OP.

You know it’s not working but you are just allowing it to trundle on and passively pushing on the decision-making on to her.

Take control like an adult and make decisions for yourself.

You are inadvertently creating the scenerio you are worried about occurring.