Girl I’ve been seeing doesn’t want me to ‘pull the rug out’

[Monzo235]

I’ve been seeing a girl for 2 and a half months. She’s 36 I’m 29. Today she sent me these messages:

‘Trying to think of the best way to say this - but will just say there’s always the small part of my brain that’s afraid of the rug being pulled out from under me from someone I like’.

I said I think everyone feels that to some extent. And she replied: ‘But here’s where you also to some extent (even if it’s not truthful) tell me you’re not going to do this to me suddenly one day’.

thing is. I’ve told her multiple times now that next year I might want to move abroad. I’ve told her I want kids one day and I’m worried about timelines with our age difference. She’s told me to chill out and live in the grey for a while.

I said to her ‘That’s okay. I mean this is kinda why I’ve said the things I’ve said before. I don’t want you to feel blindsided. The last thing I want to do is hurt you’.

I’m really starting to feel a lot of pressure. If I want to break up with her at some point, I will. I don’t want to be told I can’t. And that feels like basically what she wants me to say?

Can anyone help with this?

Look this is the internet I’m not trying to be rude. Nuance doesn’t come across very well.

im just someone really struggling with his emotions right now and dont feel I have any support. Thats it. That’s all I can say anymore.

Welcome to being an adult. Not all your decisions are going to feel good and you’re not always going to feel 100%.

Coping with those feeling is part of adulthood and it’s part of relationships.

Your gut instinct is there for a reason. Listen to it with integrity and honesty.

If you’re expecting this to become clear, it’s not going to happen.

You really do have main character syndrome, don’t you?

I have no words for the mind blowing ego and selfishness you’re displaying.

I can only assume your better qualities only present themselves in person. If you showed this woman this thread and your comments, she would make it easy for you and run a mile at great speed.

Because she is fine for seeing how it goes, it’s fine for her. She is happy to play the wait and see game.

Now you need to decide what’s fine for you. And then act on it. If it’s fine then stay with her. If it’s not then don’t. She won’t end it for your reasons. That’s your job.

I was seeing someone who wanted kids. I have two already and didn’t want more. I’d have been happy to keep dating the guy, it didn’t bother me. I’d said no to kids but yes to dating him. He wanted kids so he said no, and ended it. We’d only been on a handful of dates but he knew he wanted kids so it wouldn’t work for him.

I didn’t end it because I was happy to date. He ended it because he wasn’t and wanted kids. Do you understand? That’s why you can’t sit here and say, “but she says she is happy to date” because she wants different things from you.

She wants commitment and promises and kids if it’s possible.

You want a few years of fun and then kids when you’re ready - she is 36 already. That won’t work with her.

But this isn’t how this has gone.

At the start, I didn’t directly ask if she wanted kids. It was just a fun thing and I was going with it. But she’d hinted she didn’t want them. Kept saying ‘ew’ at kids in the street and saying she wanted dogs instead.

as that went on, I started to get a bit more in my feelings. So I said to her directly that I really like her, but I’m very anxious that she doesn’t ever want kids and if she doesn’t, this won’t work for me. She then comes back and says it’s not a firm no. They’ve just not been a priority. Said it’s too early to make decisions like that and it’s a bit silly to seriously talk about it a month in. I kinda agreed if it wasn’t a firm no so we carried on.

Then I come back to it. Text her saying I’m incredibly anxious about it. She calls me. Says she has 2 options. 1. Not having kids and being fine with it. That’s something she’s at peace with. 2. Having them if she finds someone like me who really wants them and she feels the foundation has been built over time for it. She says she isn’t ready for them yet either.

i feel a bit uncomfortable with that. But it again has only been 2 months. So why push away something nice in the moment (and advice I took from this forum on that too, being accused of being a man pig because I thought 38 might be too old for kids and I wasn’t sure I’d be ready).

Now. She’s asking me to promise I won’t leave. Says she’s very anxious about people leaving at this early stage. Telling me how much she likes me. And hasn’t brought up the kids thing again.

do you not see how that’s slightly different to ‘do you want kids?’ Yes/no ‘when?’ Insert date. make decision.

I didn’t get that. I tried to.

🎻🎻🎻🎻

That is a frankly revolting thing to say, and says a lot about you,

YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP!!!!!!

FFS!

You are struggling with your emotions.
You feel trapped by your worries.
You feel trapped by your anxieties.

YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP!!!!

Failing that, ODFOFDTTFSOFATFOSM.

Jesus fucking christ.

Yes it’s revolting to react to someone calling me an ego maniac and a child. Right.

Yep, so all of this is evidence it’s not the relationship for you.

You have a gut feeling to end it. Listen to that.

You don’t want to be the bad guy or lose your nice feelings – unfortunately that’s just life.

Good luck to you.

Except @ForTipsyFinch specifically said ‘the qualities of mind-blowing ego and selfishness you’re displaying’, an entirely different thing. She did not call you ‘an ego maniac and a child’. It would be possible for you to overcome this egotism and selfishness.

It was a rude and aggressive response to someone responding, impatiently, admittedly, to your repeated requests for advice and frequently-expressed dissatisfaction with said advice.

Well it should have been kinder.

this is the internet. I’m struggling. No one owns this forum.

You seem very naive so please try to consider someone else’s perspective here.

The way she responded sounds very much like a woman who does not want kids, but doesn’t want to say it outright because she doesn’t want to end up single. She’s stringing along the idea of kids.

A 36 year old woman knows if she wants kids or not. And if she wants them, she gives a definitive answer. That doesn’t mean you’d start trying for kids right now when you barely know each other. But it would set out an expectation that you’d start trying in a year or two. She won’t set that expectation because she doesn’t want kids.

But really, that’s all moot because you don’t want kids in a year or two either. You want to live some life first. That’s absolutely fine; it’s a good choice for someone your age. But, it does mean that when you come back and want settle down… she will be too old for what you want. So the relationship is doomed. If it was just fun then I’d say carry on but it’s not, it’s causing you stress and upset so what’s the point? Move on. Have fun with someone not asking for promises. Then settle down in a few years when you’re ready.

This isn’t the one. But she won’t say that because she sounds desperate not to be single.

And whose post was deleted? Yours or theirs? That tells you who needs to be kinder.

It was deleted coz I made a duplicate. Telling me to grow up then giving stupid comments like this.

So this is incredibly unfair to me too then. Because I’m trying so hard to communicate.

if she really is doing that (which I’m not sure she is), then it’s a real hard thing to deal with.

but from her comments. It seems more that she’s scared to let herself get excited to have kids with someone when she knows it may fall apart and she doesn’t have years to judge it

Even if that’s how she feels… what difference does it make? You don’t want kids within the next few years. You want to go live your life and settle down for kids later. She will be too old.

So, this woman isn’t compatible with you. It’s not the one. Not if that’s what you want.

Why are you bothering at all? When it’s causing so much upset.

I don’t know. Because I’m attached. This is why I was so afraid of going with the flow in the first place.

i feel really afraid of leaving. Every other dating experience I’ve had in the last 3 years has been awful. Horrible people. Users. Judgemental women. This one finally treats me like I matter. But the timing is horrible.

maybe she is the right one and I need to change my plans.

Respectfully, your unpleasant experiences with dating are (a) extremely common and (b) absolutely no reason to stay in a very new relationship that you know perfectly well isn’t right for you.

No it wasn't, it was deleted because you were abusive to a poster.

Just false

Well what do I do about all this anxiety and panic attacks that are stopping me doing this then.

Youve been seeing her 2.5 MONTHS ffs! This is seriously fucked up, just walk away and do some work on yourself....and stop posting multiple threads all over the Internet because you're not listening to any advice whatsoever

Are you delusional? 😂 There is no duplicate post, just the one that was deleted (with a note from MN and a link to their talk guidelines), which a few people responded to telling you it was disgusting.