Girl I’ve been seeing doesn’t want me to ‘pull the rug out’

[Monzo235]

I’ve been seeing a girl for 2 and a half months. She’s 36 I’m 29. Today she sent me these messages:

‘Trying to think of the best way to say this - but will just say there’s always the small part of my brain that’s afraid of the rug being pulled out from under me from someone I like’.

I said I think everyone feels that to some extent. And she replied: ‘But here’s where you also to some extent (even if it’s not truthful) tell me you’re not going to do this to me suddenly one day’.

thing is. I’ve told her multiple times now that next year I might want to move abroad. I’ve told her I want kids one day and I’m worried about timelines with our age difference. She’s told me to chill out and live in the grey for a while.

I said to her ‘That’s okay. I mean this is kinda why I’ve said the things I’ve said before. I don’t want you to feel blindsided. The last thing I want to do is hurt you’.

I’m really starting to feel a lot of pressure. If I want to break up with her at some point, I will. I don’t want to be told I can’t. And that feels like basically what she wants me to say?

Can anyone help with this?

Bluntly, you’ve created this with your own ‘Woe is me — I want children (but on my schedule) and, even though we’ve been together a total of ten weeks, most of those not exclusive, I’m already vocally worrying in your presence about how you’re either going to (1) make me have children too soon because of your age or (2) be infertile, and either way I have to (3) tolerate uncertainty’ thing.

This in no way makes you an enjoyable person to be in a new relationship with.

God it's you again, end it and the endless threads.

JFC another day another thread about the same bloody thing.

Stop navel gazing, end the relationship, log out of the internet and get therapy ffs. You’re coming across as completely unhinged

Marry her and we'll create your own section on here so you can post to your hearts content andIgnoreResponses

So are you suggesting that I keep all these worries to myself and not tell her?

We're suggesting you END THE RELATIONSHIP. Please. For all our sakes.

the first 3 months of a relationship should be fun and lighthearted getting to know eachother and deciding whether there's anything worth pursuing.

This relationship is already full of angst on both sides. Too intense for people who barely know eachother.

Stop making threads and end this relationship that is going nowhere good.

NO - everyone is suggesting in your 5000 threads that you shouldn’t be dating.

End the relationship and get therapy ffs. Let this poor woman free

These posts are getting ridiculous now. You’re a selfish avoidant, get therapy and leave this woman, heck ALL women alone.

What I am saying is to (1) end the relationship and (2) do not even contemplate starting another, far less embarking on parenthood, until you have managed to get some considerable control over your anxiety.

Take responsibility for seeking appropriate support and dealing with your own MH — your pattern appears to involve telling other people about your anxieties (your girlfriend, work, Mumsnet) and expecting them to remove the thing you can’t cope with. But, in relationships and in parenting, you cannot avoid uncertainties and the potential for sadness. These come with the territory. If these are things you want in your life (and they’re not compulsory, obviously), you need to work like a demon on improving your MH. That’s on you.

Or just a troll?

Always baffling and frustrating when an OP posts for advice and then takes NONE of it. Makes me think they are either really thick or not real at all

Stop gaslighting, OP. That poster had a very valid point and you should know you if you had a mature sense of self awareness.

You have posted so many times on the same issue and you keep getting the same advice. Follow it or stop posting.

You sound so tirelessly immature – you need to take a serious look at improving yourself before subjecting any woman to a relationship with you.

Why do you continually ignore all the advice you’re getting? The answer seems to be because you think you know better. So if that’s the case then crack on an allow this relationship to car crash.

👏👋👏

You tell her “it’s been fun, but I can’t see this working out” and you end the relationship.

Or you could tell her you’re not mentally in a place where you can handle being in a relationship right now - and you end the relationship.

Or you get annoyed that she’s not “planning for the future”, spew some more mental bollocks about her age and fertility, give her a funny story to share about that nutjob she dated for a couple of months who was pissed off that she wouldn’t commit to having his babies after ten weeks…and you end the relationship.

You’re ending the relationship one way or another, so you may as well get on with it. Then go back to therapy (try a different approach if CBT hasn’t worked for you) and do not even contemplate dating again until you’re more stable.

Just break up with her already.

Accusing me of gaslighting is not ok.

Can you not see how this is confusing. You’re telling me to end it coz I’m having nut job views? Wouldn’t it be better to try learn how not to have them?

Manipulative and immature as hell.

That’s not true at all

What do you want to happen ?

Honeslty have a nice relationship but not feel tied down for life

So, how does that work with having kids then? You keep going on about wanting to have the kids… you would be tied to them for life. And you can’t have kids and then just walk away and go travelling and do whatever you want. The kids come first, always.

What do you want?

If you just want to casually date for a year, then go travelling, and then meet someone and have kids in a few years time when you’re ready then just do that. That’s absolutely fine. But tell this woman that you’re only causally dating, don’t want anything serious and will be leaving soon. If she doesn’t want that then you’re not compatible. End it and causally date, always being honest with the women you are seeing.

If you want a family then you need to realise that it means being tied down, and commit to that. Date with the goal of finding someone to commit to. If this woman isn’t the right one then end it.

You don’t sound like you know what you want so you’re behaviour erratically and manipulatively. But you don’t seem to recognise that behaviour in yourself so you’re blaming all confusion and bad feeling on her. You just don’t sound ready to be in any relationship at all.

I think you need to end this one, get some therapy and take some time to figure out what you want in life. Then commit to that and go find it. Whilst treating other people with respect.

I’m not sure how I’m being manipulative?

yesterday she asked me to ‘promise never to pull the rug out from under her as it’s this stage in the relationship where she gets anxious’.

I then told her categorically that I cannot promise forever. That I will never intentionally hurt her. But I wanted to check that she’s heard everything I said about me wanting to live abroad, having no idea where I’ll be next year, and that my life is really uncertain right now.

ive told her I’m worried about timelines but I’m willing to try with her.

im not sure how any of that is manipulative?

Having kids is something I definitely do want to and is non negotiable long term. But I don’t know when I’ll be ready for that. Which I’ve also told her.

Work on your issues BEFORE you get into a relationship. It’s not fair on this woman or anyone else you date for you to be with someone when you’re not in the right place.

No one enters a relationship fully put together with no issues at all