Girl I’ve been seeing doesn’t want me to ‘pull the rug out’

[Monzo235]

I’ve been seeing a girl for 2 and a half months. She’s 36 I’m 29. Today she sent me these messages:

‘Trying to think of the best way to say this - but will just say there’s always the small part of my brain that’s afraid of the rug being pulled out from under me from someone I like’.

I said I think everyone feels that to some extent. And she replied: ‘But here’s where you also to some extent (even if it’s not truthful) tell me you’re not going to do this to me suddenly one day’.

thing is. I’ve told her multiple times now that next year I might want to move abroad. I’ve told her I want kids one day and I’m worried about timelines with our age difference. She’s told me to chill out and live in the grey for a while.

I said to her ‘That’s okay. I mean this is kinda why I’ve said the things I’ve said before. I don’t want you to feel blindsided. The last thing I want to do is hurt you’.

I’m really starting to feel a lot of pressure. If I want to break up with her at some point, I will. I don’t want to be told I can’t. And that feels like basically what she wants me to say?

Can anyone help with this?

I don’t know. I just have mega anxiety about it. worried I’ll get so attached I can’t leave and miss my chance at kids. and I’m also pretty worried she is going to turn around one day with huge feelings and I’ll have to break her heart.

I have!!! She says she thinks it’s too early to be making any big decisions

Right, so here we go again:

Your ‘huge anxiety’ is why is relationship is not currently good for you or her.

That’s your answer.

Everything is wrong with it. Kindly, you are a total mess, it’s concerning that you can’t see it, and you need to take responsibility. Take the advice given here and work on yourself. Don’t involve anyone else in your mess.

You've been exclusively dating for a few weeks, you barely know one another, and you want to know if children are on the table?

Then dump her. You're not right for each other, at least at this stage in your life. The answer is so clear.

It is too early to make any big decisions, but if your anxiety prevents you from coping with that then you have your answer.

She has. You’ve said what you want. She said ok, she’ll do that if possible.

You need to decide if the “if possible” matters. Because you’re saying kids are non negotiable. So it’s stupid to stay with someone of her age if you aren’t trying for kids now. But because you’re staying with her, she will assume that you’ve thought it through and decided that it’ll be ok if kids can’t happen. Because that’s how humans thinks.

You’ve said what you want. Then you’ve decided to stay anyway. As a human, she will think you’ve decided to risk the compromise of no kids.

You’re the one who wants something, not her. So you need to decide if you want to risk missing out on kids. If you don’t then she isn’t right for you.

She wants something serious right now as well and wants promises and commitment. You don’t want to give those but you’ve stayed… so again, your actions show that you’re ok with what she wants. But you’re not so stop behaving like you are.

This isn’t the right relationship.

Actions speak louder than words. She’s made it clear she wants to keep seeing you because she sounds desperate, and has said yes to whatever you say you want. You know it’s not going to be possible but you’ve stayed so your actions show that you’re ok with that.

So end it.

Yes. Because she’s 36.

it’s not that unusual to ask on the first date if someone wants kids or not? I’ve still not really got a clear answer on that

I don’t want to hurt someone I really care about!!!

Do you believe relationships can be conducted without hurt in life?

Sometimes you have to be an adult and do hard things. You'll hurt her more if you string her along.

@Monzo235, she doesn’t know what your favourite ice cream flavour is yet. She can have absolutely no idea whether she wants to have children with you.

With luck she will realise that you are currently about as suited to parenthood as you are to negotiating world peace, and move on.

So, in late 30s when you want kids and you’re still single then yes, you do ask very early on.

A lot of my friends are career women and still single at 35/36/37. They’re not on the clock to have kids quickly so they date and ask very quickly if the guy wants kids. But they’re meaning “if this goes well, then I want to start trying for kids in a year, no longer.” Because they can’t wait any longer and don’t want to waste time with a guy who does not want kids or only wants them in 5 or 10 years time.

But you’re doing it the other way. You’re asking early on if she wants kids and then you’re saying you don’t want them for several years… that just doesn’t work with someone who is 36. It’s normal at that age to plan kids soon. It’s idiotic to date someone that age, say that kids are non negotiable, then say you don’t want them for years. It’s just stupid. Date someone younger.

Of course she will say yes. She sounds a bit desperate to not be alone and also assumes that she’ll be able to have them into her 40s and it’ll all be fine. But it might not be. She may be ok with that. Are you?

Stop trying to get her to end it when you’re the one with the issue. Grow up, end it, get therapy.

Okay so then what do you propose.

Because some are saying end it right now. But then yet you’re saying, she barely knows you, which implies just go with it and get to know her more.

Do you not understand how hard this is though. I have huge feelings for her. And it seems her me.

this whole situation terrifies me

Just end it. Have therapy. Grow up. Try to become someone who takes responsibilities for their own decisions and can tolerate the ordinary mess and uncertainties baked into relationships.

For her sake you need to end it. For the sake of single women you might come across you need serious therapy before you even consider a relationship.

For your sake...I don't actually care, because I don't believe this is all real.

You barely know her. Stop being so melodramatic.

If she was 29 then yes, have fun and get to know her more and fall in love and all of that. You’d have years to spend time dating and deciding if she is the one. You’d have time to move on if she wasn’t the one.

But this one is 36. You don’t have years to decide with her.

It come down to this; if you think she is the one, and you want to stay with her but you also really want kids then you need to start trying for kids within the next year ish. If you don’t want to do that, or she doesn’t want to do that, then you’re not compatible and you need to end it, even if you love her. If kids are more important then you end it.

If you want to date her for a few years then you need to accept that you may both be very in love but won’t be able to have kids. If that’s not ok with you then don’t waste your time or hers and end it now.

You really need to be dating women your own age if you want time.

That’s very easy to say for someone who isn’t in it.

Are you expecting everyone to agree and give you a unilateral answer? This is your black and white thinking and it’s not compatible with life.

What do you think you should do? You haven’t answered that at all.

Not what you WANT to happen. What you you think you should do.

What do you expect when you ask advice from people who aren’t in it?

But nobody but you is ‘in it’. You can’t ask advice, repeatedly, on the internet and then complain that it’s easy to advise when you’re not in the situation. By definition, you’re the only one in the situation. And you’re now complaining about the advice.

It’s never your fault, according to you.

You’ve mystifyingly, given that you are a 20something with unclear plans for the future involving international travel, and who doesn’t want children any time soon, started a relationship with an older woman with a limited fertility window, and now you’re complaining about it all the time on the internet, trying to put the responsibility on your brand-new girlfriend or on anonymous internet strangers. Grow up.

I don’t know! Realistically I think I should end it as I probably won’t be ready for kids in a year or two.

But then I talk to her about it. She tells me she’s fine with seeing how it goes. I see her. Everything feels great when I’m with her. I get a little warm feeling when she smiles at me.

But then I go home. And I’m anxious. And conflicted. And don’t know what to do. And the thought of ending it makes me feel grief.

I don’t know what to do