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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Secret messaging again?

6 replies

LostLake88 · 15/09/2025 07:42

Last year I had my suspicions about my husband messaging a colleague so I decided to check his phone- this is not something I do lightly as I strongly believe you should be allowed your privacy but something felt off so I just had to look. I only checked his Instagram messages and the thread between him and said colleague and as I thought there were inappropriate messages between them. Mainly from him but both flirting in an unacceptable manner as two married individuals. I confronted him, he was sorry, tried to say it was banter blah blah blah. Anyway he blocked her and as far as I’m aware has had no further contact.

The other night he was sat across from me and I saw him open his instagram messages- in the inbox was a message from someone he went to college with years ago. I thought it was odd as not sure why he’d message this person after years of having zero contact.

So again, curiosity got the better of me and a few days later I thought I’d look and see what had been said between them- however the message was gone. He had loads of historical messages on there from other people from weeks ago but her more recent one wasn’t there at all.

This is dodgy right? I really need to bring it up and ask him but obviously he’ll then know I have looked which I hate myself for but the trust has obviously been fractured.

OP posts:
Seeyouincourtkeith · 15/09/2025 07:49

You don't trust him, end of really. He will say it was nothing, will you believe him? Once the trust is gone it eats away at you.

Shortdaysalready · 15/09/2025 07:49

He has obviously learnt from you finding his messages with his colleague last year and is making sure he is being more careful this time.
He has given you every cause to not trust him by his previous behaviour so I don't see why you should be ashamed about looking at his phone when you were suspicious this time. So I don't see why you can't talk to him about this.
But being with someone you don't trust is not a way to live your life.

Mumlaplomb · 15/09/2025 08:32

Ah OP, this man will always leave you on edge about who he is messaging. Do you have kids together? If not I’d be cutting him loose .

LostLake88 · 15/09/2025 10:00

Mumlaplomb · 15/09/2025 08:32

Ah OP, this man will always leave you on edge about who he is messaging. Do you have kids together? If not I’d be cutting him loose .

Yes we do have children, and a mortgage etc.
I just wish I could have read it but I can’t see any reason to delete it unless he thought it looked dodgy.

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 15/09/2025 11:41

Yes he’s messaging others inappropriately, for ego stroking, boredom, excitement. He will always do this

arcticpandas · 15/09/2025 11:50

This is no way to live. You know he's a twat so you're just looking for proof (that he's now hiding). And what will you do next time you find something that he forgets to delete? You will tell him, he will block and promise to stop. And then continue ad nauseum...

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