Shocked and sad at my Son's choice to be with much older woman.

[moderdy]

My 25 year old son has just been here to tell me he is in love with and moving in with a woman in her mid 40's, younger than me by a couple of years.

I don't know what to do or feel about it. He was until recently with a lovely girl his own age, they split up and I now know it was due his feelings for the woman he is now with. She is the widow of one of his fathers friends, a man who passed a few years ago now. His Dad and I have been separated for 20 years now and he has been living with his Dad for the past 7 years. I don't think my son has known her that long just a year or so, they got close when his Dad sent him round to help her with stuff in her house.

I don't think I can do anything about this can I? I just need to let it run it's course, he's an adult of course but I just feel so disappointed and angry at this woman she is 20 years older than him. I just don't think it can last.

I need to go to work now I just needed to write something.

This describes probably 99% of marriages after many decades. There are other reasons for staying with a partner besides sexual attraction - maybe loyalty and wanting to care for her now that she has poor health. What an awful and narcissistic mindset.

And Aaron Taylor-Johnson.

Franky he probably views the women his age as vacuous, selfie-taking and self-obsessed. Understandable.

My partner was 22 and I was 30 when we got together 9 years ago. I know it’s not quite the same age gap but hear me out. His mum was so unwelcoming when we first got together, even going as far as threatening to come to where I work to tell me to end it. She has continued to be rotten towards me to the point I do not ever want to be around her. This has naturally caused a little divide between my partner and her since. All I would say is try and give it the benefit of the doubt and try and get past the age difference. This could work out for them and I’m sure you don’t want to lose your son due to how you’ve treated his partner.

I think it's predatory or at the very best, careless and selfish for someone in their 40s to date someone 20 years younger, young enough to be their child.

Mitigating factor she's been widowed fairly recently so she may be having a very hard time psychologically. I don't think there's much you can do other than support your son and keep your feelings to yourself. Hopefully this relationship will run it's course without either party coming to any harm.

A friend of mine was 18 years older when she married her 18 year old husband - he actually had the day off school to get wed! They were happy for a long time, probably 20 years, when he left her - for an even older woman than my friend!

Based on the fact the average age to have a first child is 29 and at 25 you are an adult with a fully developed brain? Not to mention not everyone wants to have children in their 30s or 40s when they are more physically tired, or want the best chance of being able to enjoy the most time with future grandchildren.

It's insane you think 25 is insane to start planning for children.

I think she beats him…

Obviously you can’t/ should not say anything, as you get absolutely no say in who he has a relationship with.
I expect you feel like you do because you feel entitled to grandchildren and won’t get them if he stays with her. You’re not entitled to grandchildren.

Well as a woman in her mid 40s I am flabbergasted by some of the comments on this thread….

I believe that many people are discussing a woman in her mid 40s as literally having one foot in the grave! This absolutely isn’t the case!

Most of the women I know my age and myself are probably fitter and healthier than in our 20s!

I literally do not feel any different to when I was 19, it’s just that I earn enough money to buy nicer clothes, shoes, handbags etc…

I do also think that in my mid 40s I am more comfortable and confident than I ever was in my 20s or 30s, I think men might actually appreciate that!

Finally since when did someones value ever become contingent on their fertility…. Your Son isn’t a critically endangered species in need of a suitable mate as part of a breeding program!

OP your Son is an adult and as long as he is happy, you should be happy for him!

@envbeckyc But do you have a 25 yo son?

I am 12 years older than my dh. He was 22 and I was 34 when we met. We dated for 3 years, then moved in together, then married 3 years after than. We have a child in their late teens and have now been together for 25 years. His parents were always welcoming and I love them. His dad died last year, and his mum is 15 years older than me.

20 years is a lot. I wonder how people would feel if it was a 24 yr old daughter with a much older man?

I understand your reservations OP but the worst thing you can do is oppose it. Put on a brave face and welcome her. It will either last or it won’t, nothing you can do about it but you could end up alienating your DS if you don’t handle it well.

Ouch since when was it ok to hate younger women.

My brother was 25 and was with a woman in her late forties . It was really flipping weird for all of us , her daughter was only five years younger than him. But in the end we loved her and they were really happy for over five years . It probably won’t last but let him be happy, if she is kind, and it’s an otherwise healthy relationship . Not ideal if he wants children anytime soon but what can you do except support him .

No… do you?

I also know that my children's choice of partners is their choice… and as long as they are happy and respected it’s literally none of my business who they choose to be with!

I am offended by the suggestion that when a woman becomes 45 that somehow she is neither desirable or attractive anymore!

I add that Cat Deeley is 48 years old, Alesha Dixon is 46 years old… and Davina McCall is 57 years old!

I totally get how you feel OP but I think the worst thing you can do is share how you feel with him. It will only push him away.

try and be as accepting as possible and just see how it goes. They might not be together too long

I add that Cat Deeley is 48 years old, Alesha Dixon is 46 years old… and Davina McCall is 57 years old!

Great, but they’re still middle aged women so not helpful to the OP.

Whatever you, don’t oppose it as that will push him further into her arms, star crossed lovers and all that rubbish. With time most of these age gap ones don’t work out anyway.

there was a 27yr age gap between my parents. My mother was 27 and my dad was 54 when I was born. I have half siblings that are old enough to be my parents and are the similar age to my mother. Was a shame that he died when I was a child. So never got to have a life with my dad like my siblings did.

I think it's reasonable to be worried about someone giving up having children for the sake of a new partner.

(Yes, there's a whole bunch of caveats and considerations here).

Your son is an adult man his choice and not your business Keep your thoughts to yourself

You can feel how you like about it but it’s absolutely none if your business. Let him live his own life, young people are judged enough without their own mums being at it 🙄

As much as you make your son sound lovely maybe he's using her for her money and security? It has been known!

But that's the whole issue. Your 40s and 50s can be the best time of your life.

When OP's son is in his 50s, his partner will be in her 70s. The gap then will seem huge.

Yes but they look amazing…. and most 25 year old men would be punching above their weight if they dated them!

Age is just a number….. and being middle aged doesn’t mean you are not hot!!!!

Honest OP sounds ageist and slightly obsessive to be so worked up about her adult son dating an adult woman!