Shocked and sad at my Son's choice to be with much older woman.

[moderdy]

My 25 year old son has just been here to tell me he is in love with and moving in with a woman in her mid 40's, younger than me by a couple of years.

I don't know what to do or feel about it. He was until recently with a lovely girl his own age, they split up and I now know it was due his feelings for the woman he is now with. She is the widow of one of his fathers friends, a man who passed a few years ago now. His Dad and I have been separated for 20 years now and he has been living with his Dad for the past 7 years. I don't think my son has known her that long just a year or so, they got close when his Dad sent him round to help her with stuff in her house.

I don't think I can do anything about this can I? I just need to let it run it's course, he's an adult of course but I just feel so disappointed and angry at this woman she is 20 years older than him. I just don't think it can last.

I need to go to work now I just needed to write something.

I completely get why it feels strange and difficult for you. I’d advise to smile and pretend you’re ok until it fizzles out. What a woman in her 40s would want with such a young man (apart from the obvious) is beyond me unless he’s ridiculously mature for his age. He’s safe and happy. It’ll all be ok.x

Plenty of people would comment if it was 25 yr old daughter and a man in his 40s. In fact most people would think he was sleezy and she had some sort of unresolved daddy issues with that level of age gap.

A 20 yr age gap is massive. Throw in being a widow it just reinforces the complete different life experiences they have both had until now.

I wouldn't be happy for my son or daughter to be in a relationship with anyone with such a significant age gap and I would absolutely judge their parther silently in my mind.

Say nothing though, if he is at the stage of moving in with her, it won't matter. It will either fizzle out or it won't.

But I would feel uncomfortable as fck around them and have to do a lot of internal talking in mind to keep my opinions firmly to myself.

It worked for macron. And Alex Salmond. And I know a few similar age gap relationships IRL. This type of relationship does work for some people (or at least, does last; who can really tell if someone else's relationship is happy and healthy)? and is less remarkable than it used to be. And of course, older man younger woman relationships with this size of age gap are classic.

As usual, there can be issues if he's not completely sure yet that he doesn't want children, and most likely she'll reach the point of being debilitated by age long before he is and there's the risk that he ends up nursing her. Her being part of his father's friend group IS concerning (predatory vibes) but a bit less gross if they've only met recently. Regardless, though, of course you can't stop him!!

I don't think you should give your head a wobble, though; that sounds potentially dangerous.

YANBU op, I would be worried too. I’m all likelihood, the relationship won’t last and he’ll move on. Keep your feelings to yourself and be welcoming and kind to
her.’ You do not want to push him away or give her cause to isolate him from you.

Relationships where there is a large age difference sometimes work, but someone always ends up paying the price in the end. Unfortunately it’s usually the younger partner as they are left caring for the older one and on their own in their later years.

My mum and dad had a 19 year age gap. My dad was 27 when I was born and my mum 46.
They were very happy together for 40 years (when my mum died). I have been with my dh for 18 years and I am older. My son and his gf have been together 7 years. She is 9 years older.

I hate the 'biologically programmed' argument. What about gay relationships? How does this fit in to your cave men theories? I'm a woman in my mid 30s and I've been attracted to a woman in her 60s, there's no desire to procreate there. Sexual attraction is quite complex and isn't solely driven by a need to reproduce. As previous posters have said, he might not even want children.

We have a family friend who got with an early 40s woman in his early 20s. They were together about 15 years and had 2 kids. She always looked more like his mum to me!

Unfortunately nothing you can really do but I would also find it really disturbing. I’m 39 and couldn’t imagine being with a 25 year old.

menopause ravages a womans looks/sexual function etc.

I hit peri and my sex drive went through the roof. I also look really good for my age.

As he chose to live with his Dad a number of years ago, do you feel him being in a relationship with an older woman is a rejection of you or you are being replaced?

This sort of comment is misogynistic bullshit isn’t it?
I'm mid 50s and have never looked and felt so good, my considerably younger dh agrees.
Its him that worries about how he’s ageing and he’s only just hit 40!

I don’t think it’s a huge issue is it?

He’s 25 - he’s probably some way off wanting to find his life partner. Hopefully this relationship will be an enriching part of his life, but almost certainly it will end after a couple of years (or much sooner than that of course).

Come on now, no parent would be happy with this!

My biggest fear would be if he gets her pregnant. This would scupper his finding a girl his own age, because he would come with too much baggage for a 25 y/o. He would be paying child support at a time when he's meant to be young and fancy free, not to mention any age related problems with the pregnancy and birth (and baby could have problems too).

I agree there's not much you can do Op, but you have my HUGE sympathies. Fuck knows what this woman is thinking. What 45 y/o would ever fancy a 25 y/o?

For those ladies commenting that they are 45 and look great, let me tell you, after about 52 the shit gets real, and looks fade very fast. Op hopefully he will come to his senses soon.

This is very similar to my brother and SIL although the age gap is less (24 and 32 when they met). She was also a single parent. I’m 32 currently and I can’t imagine being with a 24 year old and we did all privately think it a bit odd and were worried about my brother (a young 24) suddenly taking on a stepfather role to a 6 year old.

However we agreed as a family that we were going to be nothing but supporting and welcoming unless this woman gave us a reason not to be - partly because of the very real risk of pushing them closer together, and partly because of what actually happened which is they have been together 10 years, married 8, and have a 7 year old daughter between them. She is also one of my absolute best friends and a wonderful person.

I understand why you are upset OP - it is a huge age gap and will limit his opportunities to be a parent etc. it will probably run its course but you want him to be able to talk to you if and when it is going wrong and not make him feel as though he has nowhere to go. He’ll never forgive you if you make her unwelcome

I have friends with a 25 year age gap, the man was the younger partner. I am sure people thought it wouldn't last. They were married for over 30 years until he was widowed. He was/is an excellent step dad and step grandad and much loved. This could be the case for your son.

My last husband was 11 years younger than me. It was fine at the beginning. We got married when he was 29 and I was 40. It was fine for another 10 years and then the cracks started to show, I wanted different things and he was very immature and didn't want to think about things like pensions or savings. It didn't really end well.
I doubt this relationship will go the distance. Just bide your time.

Thanks everyone, the advice from everyone regardless of what they think of my reaction is that I need to accept the situation and not alienate my son, which is what I thought to be honest. I found a picture of her online and she looks very pretty and definitely young for her age but as others have said in your 40's as I know myself things can change overnight.

I don't think my feelings about this situation are more than just a deep instinct that it's wrong, that my son should be with someone his own age who he can grow with and have children with if he wishes, and he's still go years to decide on that. He's an adult and competent but she's so much older there will be a power imbalance. I never even thought about how if this somehow works out he could end up a carer to her when he is still young.

Having said all that I do know a man who is with a woman 18 years older and they seem happy enough. He is now in his mid 50's and she is in her early 70's. I can just about see the attraction between a young adult and a middle aged one its harder to see the attraction between a middle aged adult and an elderly one. It seems very unfair if somehow you meet your ideal person and they are so much older or younger. I sometimes see a young lad in his 20's and think "what a nice looking boy" but I wouldn't want to date one, it's way too young.

I don't think my son has any issues due to our relationship, we've always been close, even after he moved in with his Dad.

I think I just need to ride this out, see what happens. I don't think it will last to be honest and I don't want to push him away.

Edit: She doesn't have children, her late husband battled cancer for quite a long time before he died, many years so they never had kids.

Well. It fits precisely nowhere in your gay relationship, as, erm, there's no male?

Really can't fathom out your point in this 'whatabouttery'!?

Unless of course, you're trying to trick me into saying something along the lines of it goes against nature to be gay ?

Which is of course absolutely nonsense. Gay relationships fit perfectly into nature as proven by (among many other creatures) penguins. Gay penguin couples are able to and often do raise the eggs of others when those parents sadly die.

but regardless of children being involved homosexually is found in thousands of animals and therefore quite clearly a natural part of life.

I agree.

I was asking what the poster was hoping me to say ? The example of two females has no bearing on me stating a male will desire a female of child bearing age !?

I don’t know, that can mean a lot of things. A “female of child bearing age” is usually nonce patter. Much prefer when people say a man will desire a fully developed adult woman.

What a disgusting accusation.

How the actual fuck does a 25yr old male (example here) being more likely to desire a 25yr old woman as opposed to the mid 40s (soon to be 50s) woman have anything to do with paeodophilia !? Disgusting accusation

It’s a big gap and I do wonder about men and women who want relationships with people so much younger. What must the power balance be like?

I was at university with a woman in her twenties to was dating a man in his fifties. He was a nice enough guy but all his friends were so eager to meet us and be seen at restaurants and bars with us. It was sad and uncomfortable. We still refer to them as the sad old men club!

it probably won’t last - and hopefully your son will still enjoy his twenties.

I don’t think anyone would like this for their son but I don’t think you should say anything and try to be nice to the woman. If it doesn’t work out your relationship with your son will remain strong if you are supportive.

I had a similar relationship with my dad. I only remember calling him “dad” once.

As a 13 year old I had huge crushes on older men - including the likes of Anthony Hopkins and Tommy Lee Jones 😂

When I started work at 20 I had a crush on my 55 year old colleague.

When I was 14 I fancied my dad’s friend.

And so on…

Married someone two years older. I’m in my early 40s now, but until I hit my 40s I’d NEVER found a younger man attractive. I’m guessing it’s my hormones driving that now!