Shocked and sad at my Son's choice to be with much older woman.

[moderdy]

My 25 year old son has just been here to tell me he is in love with and moving in with a woman in her mid 40's, younger than me by a couple of years.

I don't know what to do or feel about it. He was until recently with a lovely girl his own age, they split up and I now know it was due his feelings for the woman he is now with. She is the widow of one of his fathers friends, a man who passed a few years ago now. His Dad and I have been separated for 20 years now and he has been living with his Dad for the past 7 years. I don't think my son has known her that long just a year or so, they got close when his Dad sent him round to help her with stuff in her house.

I don't think I can do anything about this can I? I just need to let it run it's course, he's an adult of course but I just feel so disappointed and angry at this woman she is 20 years older than him. I just don't think it can last.

I need to go to work now I just needed to write something.

dont say anything and hope it runs its course but DH was 17 years my senior but we didn’t meet until I was 40, both had children in first marriages and wanted no more. My mum was awful about it, but it was true love and I’ll never ever change my most fantastic 25 years with him.

he will have a much more comfortable life with this older women than with a 25 year old. She probably has a good set of cutlery and a house too plus lots of other stuff and may introduce him to a more interesting life and he will not need to struggle.

Does it need to work out long term? Not every relationship has to be gotten into with the idea that "This is the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with". Right now, this woman makes him happy. Thats a good thing surely?

Maybe a few years down the line he decides that this isn't right for him, in which case he'll still have plenty of time to find someone else. Or maybe he realises that this is the woman he wants to spend his life with, in which case he'll be happy.

Just let him get on with his life.

well its possible....I mean she is mid 40's not mid 80's

Ok, I'll reword it: men are biologically programmed to be attracted to woman of childbearing age.

Given the circumstances you describe it likely won't last so let them get on with it and be there for him when he comes back with his tail between his legs (while thinking told you so).

“Menopause ravages women’s looks and sexual function”?

I know plenty of women in their 50s who look bloody amazing. They exercise, eat healthy and take care of themselves. And there’s this amazing thing called HRT…

You’re also assuming that the young men in these relationships are so shallow that they’re incapable of looking beyond superficial looks and sexual gratification.

I have a 23 year old DS. Yes he is an adult, but he is also very young still. I would find this age gap incredibly creepy as I see my son and his friends as young adults and no way do I have any sort of sexual or romantic attraction to anyone that age.

But I do think many young men are....

I have to wonder about the maturity level of a woman in her forties who wants a 25 year old, as well. I am 42 and I wouldn't dream of going for anyone under about 35, absolute minimum. Much younger men are only attractive to women who are trying to chase youth, which is an unattractive trait.

In a work situation, I’ve managed lots of people 10-15 years younger than me and the life stage gap is just so massive. I’ve got on really well as colleagues but I just couldn’t imagine living with any of them even if I was single. They’d all drive me mad. I have also seen some very nasty and toxic age gap relationships. One of my friends is ended up with her boss who was 25 years her senior and it was a proper toxic mess for years.

At 25 though your son is old enough to make his own decisions without you being worried about grooming. You might not like it but you have to be a bit careful not to push him away or be hostile to the new partner. And as posters have shown, age gap relationships can and do work.

I agree, it’s very strange this resurgence of promoting older men with young women . Goes hand in hand with the Andrew Tate rhetoric of women over 25 being “expired” and women “hitting the wall” at age 35 or normalising men leaving their families in middle age to start another one with a younger woman.

I’m late 30s and thankfully it’s not normalised in my circle of friends from uni.

I’d more say it’s modern *misogynists who want us to believe this is not problematic.

Not one of the guys in my circle have settled down with a woman significantly younger than her. Personally I would not have given a man over 30 the time of day as a 21 year old woman. Nor would most of my friends.

The biggest age gap in my social circle is ten years and it was a first marriage for both, neither had kids and they definitely suit each other.

Must admit, I agree. I'm thinking : Katie price and co. So desperate to be "young" and clinging on with all her might. Chasing younger men to try to alleviate that part of her desire for youth. I feel sorry for them as it's not an attractive trait as you say. You can't stop the tide coming in I'm afraid.

I can't imagine dating a man more than a couple of years younger than me. (But then I'm used to them much older 😁)

Precisely. See also that creepy Sam Taylor Johnson.

Unfortunately loads of men leave their wives and automatically move in with their affair partners. Her son has presumably not been single for long as OP says their split was recent.

the feelings they had (especially when he was with someone else) would’ve been forbidden and exciting for him, but as time goes on he will probably realise he doesn’t have much in women with a almost menopausal woman not much younger than his mother

What sort of woman in their mid forties entertains their widowers mates son, who already has a girlfriend anyway.

its a disaster waiting to happen

It's his life hun. He can date who he wants. He's happy and that's all matters. 😀

I would be upset too OP but I go with the rule of only giving my adult kids advice if they actually ask for it. I would 100% break that rule if I thought they were in danger but other than that, I really try not to judge and keep my fingers crossed everything will be ok in the end.

Also, can we please stop making menopause sound quite this catastrophic?!

He needs time to work on himself before getting together with let alone moving in with a woman twice his age.

But I haven't said that !

My example (my marriage) is as per your last paragraph! Only slightly different at 15years as opposed to 10.

That first poster who quoted me ran with what I was trying to say (admittedly, I've now clarified my wording better )

My summary is : men are biologically programmed to be attracted to women of child bearing age. That covers a wide range. I'm not promoting 60yr old fat cat businessman eyeing up 18yr old club girls !

Don’t say anything, the more you object the more he’ll stick to her. I wouldn’t be happy with DD shacking up with someone 20 years older than her. Let him come around in his own time.

I haven’t read the quote conversation in detail tbh, I’m responding directly to the points they made in their quoted post which I’m in agreement with.

I wouldn't worry. Before long she will be post menopausal, dried up and hoping no man will ever come near. He will still be young and moving on to something new and exciting.

Oh ok. Sorry I thought you were commenting on my quote directly. Apologies.

Many a good tune to be played on an old fiddle.

My friend married a woman 21 years his senior. She was the best thing that ever happened to him and they've been together over 30 years.

It’s insane to be thinking of kids at 25.