Shocked and sad at my Son's choice to be with much older woman.

[moderdy]

My 25 year old son has just been here to tell me he is in love with and moving in with a woman in her mid 40's, younger than me by a couple of years.

I don't know what to do or feel about it. He was until recently with a lovely girl his own age, they split up and I now know it was due his feelings for the woman he is now with. She is the widow of one of his fathers friends, a man who passed a few years ago now. His Dad and I have been separated for 20 years now and he has been living with his Dad for the past 7 years. I don't think my son has known her that long just a year or so, they got close when his Dad sent him round to help her with stuff in her house.

I don't think I can do anything about this can I? I just need to let it run it's course, he's an adult of course but I just feel so disappointed and angry at this woman she is 20 years older than him. I just don't think it can last.

I need to go to work now I just needed to write something.

My great aunt passed away recently. She was in her early 90's. She left behind her husband, he's in his mid-sixties. Twenty-five year age gap, forty year relationship.

For gods sake he’s 25, not a 16 year old.

it will likely fizzle out, she will be a rebound

I really hope you don’t keep telling him his ex is lovely. My mum did this with one of my now exes and it made me feel like crap.

Nowhere did she say they were moving in together

My DMs partner is 15 years younger than her. He was 25 when they met. They've been together for 28 years. It may well work out

Literally in the first sentence of the OP.

It depends how fast they move, and her fertility levels which vary according to each individual - many women are having kids well in their forties. But that may not be something they’re even interested in.

I doubt it would worry him at that age anyway. The reality is he can always move on in a decade if he decides he wants kids with someone closer to his age.

Who moves in with their ‘rebound’ person? Besides, if you read any of the OP, you will see he left his ex-gf due to having feelings for the woman he is currently in a relationship with. Hardly a ‘rebound’.

Except in the OP's first sentence.

'My 25 year old son has just been here to tell me he is in love with and moving in with a woman in her mid 40's,'

He could move in with someone the same age and it not last.

We have to live in the present not the maybes of a fantasy.

Enjoy him being happy for as long as he's happy, whether that's a few months or the rest of your life.

Smile and nod. It probably won't last.

My son had the same age difference and they had 25 happy years together, unfortunately she died recently but they were really happy. If he is happy that’s the main thing.

Honestly: I'd not be too thrilled.

Putting it bluntly , when the woman is older it throws a question mark over their future when it comes to him being a father. If he does want children, it is unlikely (although not impossible just yet ) to happen with a woman in her early 40s.

I also think it's unusual/uncommon for the woman to be older in the relationship. Most men are biologically programmed to be attracted you younger women due to the whole cave man /fertility thing. This lady may turn him on at 41. But when the menopause hits and her looks and sexual desire changes..... (Hard enough for mature men to get their heads around ) Let alone a 25 yr old who's mates are all still going to swanky bars with their young girlfriends.

I know I've put it rather crudely. But it is kind of the reality.

I don't want to play amateur psychologist: but Is there a reason your son is wanting an older woman ? Has your relationship been solid ? Does he need nurturing/mothering in some way?

I know it's cheesy. But I always went for much older men even from a teenager (dodgy these days I know ) and married a much older man (still married and have children) but I can admit (if only to myself ) my dad (lovely man ) but never bothered to form a bond or relationship with me or nurtured me/parented me in any way. Not a 'girl dad' type and very much a passive 'back room ' guy. And I do think I had the absence of a nurturing father relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if that's why I was always looking for an older man.

It’s when they get older and he is still feeling young but is with an old lady. I wish I’d realised this sooner 😏 the age gap gets smaller to non existent between 20/30’s but beyond 40 and it just seems huge (when the younger person hits this)

It’s a large gap and their relationship probably won’t last - but if she’s a decent person he’ll have a happy memories to look back on.

Her friends are probably a bit worried too but there is nothing anyone can or should do. The Macron thing is irrelevant, he was a child of fifteen who was groomed by a teacher. This is not the same at all.

I feel for you OP. I wouldn't want the same situation with my son either but I think you need to stay quiet.
It seems unfair that we programmed to accept big age gap relationships when the man is older, not the other way around.
Take care OP

I was 46 when I started dating DP who was 28, an 18 year gap. I’m now 51 and he’s 33. The relationship we both thought wouldn’t last seems to be doing quite well five years on. I suspect that living apart and having our own independent lives is a significant factor. No plans to ever live together.

Maybe your son’s relationship won’t last. Maybe mine won’t either. But does that matter?

Life is short and there’s no guarantees. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. DP could get terminal cancer in his 30s. As much as we all try to plan our lives, nobody knows what the future holds. I’m a firm believer in doing what makes you happy today. Living in the moment. Embracing love and happiness when it enters your life.

We always joke that I’m teaching DP to be the perfect husband for his future wife! He already knows everything about menopause and HRT! I’ve supported him in building his career, sharing my life experiences. Forced him to watch 80s movies. And we’ve had the serious conversations about kids and pensions and stairlifts.

Be happy for your son. He sounds like he’s happy and in love. How can that possibly be a bad thing?

😂

Yanbu if he stays with her children are out the window and he will end up her carer

I second this. 15+ years between me and DH. 20s/30s the age gap closes in and almost ceases to exist. When the older one hits 50, it kind of returns again. It's not all bad of course. But you do notice certain things and realities. I should imagine it's even harder when the woman is older, as unfortunately menopause ravages a womans looks/sexual function etc. men can "cruise" that age period better.

My friend's "stepdad" is the same age as her. They have a 25 year age gap. Been together 35 years. All very happy and it works. He is actually much more like an old man than she is now he is late 50s 😂

It's not a modern idea that it is ok for the female partner to be older than the male. You can find lots of such arrangements in history, and the reverse with men much older than their wives (say 37 to 15).

I don't blame you for being nonplussed, but it probably won't last. Older woman/younger man tends to be more of a novelty thing for the man and flattery: I've had a couple of male friends who've had flings with older women and then moved on to women their own age.

He's 25. Not 15. 25 is certainly not too young to be thinking about kids. We must stop brainwashing our young generations into believing 35+ is 'having kids' age and that men and women in their 20s are 'just a baby'. They're not.

It's sad to see women falling hook, line and sinker for the lie that "men are programmed to be attracted tio younger women". Every single cohort that has been studied in History proved that people of both sexes choose, on average, mates their same age. In History there have been as many stories of couples with a much older man than with a much older women.

Modern men want women to believe it is "normal" and "natural" for old men to mate with younger women (of course they would!). Why on earth are some women supporting this bollocks?

I have never been attracted by older men and have never, ever been short of offers. I'm 49. My current partner is 4 years younger.

Same gap for me, and we’ve also been together that long.
I know several very happy age gap relationships, my friend and her husband have 23 years between them (she’s the younger one). Another friend has a 15 year gap where she is the older. I don’t understand the issue with age gaps unless there is an unequal balance of power, which can happen without big gaps too.
In your place Op I suppose I would feel sad that if they stayed together I probably wouldn’t have a grandchild, is that what is bothering you the most ?