Shocked and sad at my Son's choice to be with much older woman.

[moderdy]

My 25 year old son has just been here to tell me he is in love with and moving in with a woman in her mid 40's, younger than me by a couple of years.

I don't know what to do or feel about it. He was until recently with a lovely girl his own age, they split up and I now know it was due his feelings for the woman he is now with. She is the widow of one of his fathers friends, a man who passed a few years ago now. His Dad and I have been separated for 20 years now and he has been living with his Dad for the past 7 years. I don't think my son has known her that long just a year or so, they got close when his Dad sent him round to help her with stuff in her house.

I don't think I can do anything about this can I? I just need to let it run it's course, he's an adult of course but I just feel so disappointed and angry at this woman she is 20 years older than him. I just don't think it can last.

I need to go to work now I just needed to write something.

I hate to break it to you. But it's really not....

Even if the bollocks about "men being programmed to be attracted to women of childberaring age" was true, why should women give a flying fuck what men are attracted to? We have our own sense of attraction, and our independence from men, so if some old geezers happen to be attracted to 25 year old women, frankly, they can use their hands in frustration fo the rest of their lives for as much as I care. Why make this outrageous expectation from some dirty old men into a young woman's duty?

I wouldn't like this either

But I think if you try to treat her like any other gf eg take them both out for lunch etc like you did with the ex, it will show up gaps quickly

Eek I can imagine I would feel similar. It’s easy to say don’t be judgemental, but if it was you. You don’t know how long it will last and if it does it must be love. You’re going to have to find a way to hide your feelings. Is there a specific reason it bothers you?

Erm ... Ok. But we're talking about OPs son here with a mid 40s woman. He's 25, she's heading towards menopause. I dare say his instincts will lead him back to a woman of his own age..

One of my friends is about to turn 70 and she has been married for 25 years. He is 15 years her junior. They tried for children but were never able to have them. It seems to be a happy marriage; if children had been important enough I guess he would have left.

I have to agree with this. I think it’s biological fact. Why us menopausal women become invisible - no reproductiva use. Of course there are exceptions, emotional connections, but heads are turned by fertile women.

What do you expect to be able to 'do' about it? He's 25, big and ugly enough to make his own choices/mistakes.

It may go tits up in the blink of an eye, or they may end up growing old (well, older, in her case) and grey together.

If it is a fling that goes south and you've stuck your oar in, he might blame you for the break up. If they end up lasting the distance, it's going to be awkward at worst, relationship-damaging at best if you've made things difficult by saying something you can't take back.

Have you actually met/spent time with this woman and your son together? She might be lovely! And unless she's a few pyramids short of a Toblerone, she'll understand how you feel about the age gap thing.

You say that your son has been living with his dad - Is he still there now? Does he work? Is he vulnerable in any way? Unless you have reason to believe that she's taking advantage of him somehow - and by that I mean financially or him lacking the mental capacity to understand what he's doing - then there's nothing for you to do.

The best thing you can do is back off. Be there for your son if it goes south, and be prepared to put your prejudices to one side and give them a chance if it doesn't.

Oh, that's nice

@moderdy if you had posted this a couple of years ago, I would've thought if you were my boyfriend's mum! Because that's who I was dating a couple of years ago. Fortunately for me his mum is a lot older. If she wasn't, then I would've felt awkward.

Anyway, you don't know what's going to happen. They might stay together. My mum knows two couples with this kind of gap.

I actually left my boyfriend. Mostly because I don't really do relationships. It was a slightly strange situation in that I would not have had another boyfriend, I was committed to staying single - but I was having various crises and.. I don't know really. Anyway, I ended it for a number of reasons. But if we had stayed together, I think I would have felt very pressured in some way. Worrying what I look like and stuff. Eventually, I would have looked like his mum.

The other way of looking at it is if they do stay together and they are happy then that's cool. And if we assume she goes first, then he'll be young enough to start again

(But you never know - I mean look at Alex Salmond).

His mum was really upset about it as well, but she never explained why. At least, not that he told me. I think she had some weird idea that I was taking advantage of him. I told him very bluntly that unless he secretly owned half of Scotland, I really failed to see what the advantage is meant to be 😂 If anything, you could argue it was the other way round. That was another reason I broke it off. I'm not up for a total financial mismatch!

Yes I agree.

Sometimes biological facts are cruel. Like 'survival of the fittest ' , but it doesn't make them any less real.

Of course, we're intelligent and socialised beings so we don't live our lives out according to our raw instincts. Same way we don't shrug our shoulders and say "oh well. Survival of the fittest and all that " when a baby is born profoundly disabled. But nature is cruel. And that includes women being no longer "useful" sexually past child-bearing age.

You have to suck it up. But I think you know that. It’s his life. DP’s much younger brother was with a woman 19 years older than him. The same age as DP and me. She had more in common with us than him. I remember wondering what the hell she saw in him! But they lasted about 12 years, which was a decent run. Longer than a lot of marriages.

You sound incredibly petty

It’s possible it won’t be long term but it could be so you shouldn’t alienate them.

I once attended a wedding anniversary/birthday party for friends of an ex boyfriend years ago. They had been married 20 years her turning 60 and him turning 40 all in the same year. They had no kids. The road my ex/they lived on had a street party every year, everyone knew everyone and there was always something social happening. This couple we clearly the best of friends always flirting like a new couple and complimentary to each other. It’s stayed with me years later how happy they were and how I should not have judged them the first time I met them for such an age gap.

My DS had a seven year relationship with a woman around ten years older than he was.
I think it was very good for him in many ways, including developing a relationship with her son, which continues to this day.

I also would not be impressed by this - the dynamics / situation seem really off. I would find it just as off-putting if the sexes were reversed.

There's nothing you can do, though. Any negativity from you is likely to push them closer together.

Except a good portion of men aren't attracted to women at all. Lots of men are attracted to other men. According to some Channel 4 documentaries I've seen, some men are attracted to cars, farmyard animals and bathtubs full of baked beans.

Which means - joking aside - even if your claim has an element of truth to it (which it likely does), it's clearly not universal.

A 10 year gap is not the same as 20 and being from a different generation. One is just starting out in life and one is entering or already in mid life. Just a big no from me.

I get you, modardy, but you sound sensible, not interfering is the best way. Let it run its course. Let's just hope she doesn't get pregnant.

Based on what?

What is it exactly you don’t like?

• you think he’s out of her league/could get someone younger/better?
• you think she’s groomed him?
• you are worried about age when it comes to grandchildren?

what is it exactly that has infuriated you?

I doubt it will last.

So many things may kick in; the age difference just becoming weird, him noticing the differences between her and his mates' girlfriends, the reality of living with a women going through menopause, maybe regrets that he's unlikely to be a father, later realisations that he will end up as a carer for an elderly woman when he's still only in his 60s ...

Whether it does or not, be friendly, kind and welcoming, or you may lose your son.

If it does fail, be consoling and supportive - and never say 'thank goodness, you've finally come to your senses, I told you so'.

I'd be a bit concerned she might have known him for a lot longer than they're letting on. But obviously you can't choose his partner for him.

It may well not last but it could still be a positive experience. Women in their 40s have plenty to offer in a relationship and could probably teach him a few things about love and life. As long as she's genuine and not some kind of predator who's been grooming him since he was underage? I'd certainly hope not.

You'll just have to try and be supportive and respect his choices if he seems happy at this point.

He’s 25 and can date whoever he wishes
it’s.not age, it’s outlook on life , shared values and mutual respect and kindness
I seem to find myself in a casual relationship with a long term friend He’s 55 and I’m 60
and the kindest guy I know
Hes even invited me on a short city break( bit more complicated as I use a mobility walker.. He doesn’t care
What I’m saying is don’t judge or you’ll lose him

Don’t say or do anything just wait to see how things turn out. The most important thing is he’s happy.

My DP is 8 years younger than me. When we started dating he was 24 and I was 32. I had also never married previously and had my child as a teenager.

my DP’s mother has voiced her opinion about me (loose morals, stealing her son etc etc etc) many times and it’s caused a huge rift that will never be fixed.

You don’t want your son, and his possible life partner, to feel as we do so just keep it to yourself.

I bet that this relationship's chance to "succeed" (whatever people decide "success" is) is neither lower nor higher than any other relationship with a woman "his age". Which is quite low anyway in this day and age. Look around you and see how many "age-appropiate" relationships ar breaking up every day.