Page 7 | Shocked and sad at my Son's choice to be with much older woman.

moderdy · 2025-07-03T21:13:37+00:00

My 25 year old son has just been here to tell me he is in love with and moving in with a woman in her mid 40's, younger than me by a couple of years. I don't know what to do or feel about it. He was until recently with a lovely girl his own age, they split up and I now know it was due his feelings for the woman he is now with. She is the widow of one of his fathers friends, a man who passed a few years ago now. His Dad and I have been separated for 20 years now and he has been living with his Dad for the past 7 years. I don't think my son has known her that long just a year or so, they got close when his Dad sent him round to help her with stuff in her house. I don't think I can do anything about this can I? I just need to let it run it's course, he's an adult of course but I just feel so disappointed and angry at this woman she is 20 years older than him. I just don't think it can last. I need to go to work now I just needed to write something.

lizzyBennet08 · 04/07/2025 10:34

I've seen this in real life currently . It was fine ( if a little unusual) when she was 45 and he was 24. She is 65 now and he is 44 and they are worlds apart. She's is poor health and he is a fitness addict who loves iron men competitions and frankly she looks like she could be his mother.
He is my friends bother and she has told me that he wants out and hasn't been attracted to her 'old lady' body for years. Awful really particularly for her as she will end up dumped and in poor health and unlikely to meet someone else .

I don't think I'd be thrilled either but realistically as the younger one in the relationship he has all the options should he want out a couple of years down the road where she will have less.

Lou7171 · 04/07/2025 11:14

SquishedMallow · 04/07/2025 08:32

Well. It fits precisely nowhere in your gay relationship, as, erm, there's no male?

Really can't fathom out your point in this 'whatabouttery'!?

Unless of course, you're trying to trick me into saying something along the lines of it goes against nature to be gay ?

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Um men can also be gay.... so sexuality isn't driven by a desire to breed, in every male.

ExercicenformedeZ · 04/07/2025 11:31

lizzyBennet08 · 04/07/2025 10:34

I've seen this in real life currently . It was fine ( if a little unusual) when she was 45 and he was 24. She is 65 now and he is 44 and they are worlds apart. She's is poor health and he is a fitness addict who loves iron men competitions and frankly she looks like she could be his mother.
He is my friends bother and she has told me that he wants out and hasn't been attracted to her 'old lady' body for years. Awful really particularly for her as she will end up dumped and in poor health and unlikely to meet someone else .

I don't think I'd be thrilled either but realistically as the younger one in the relationship he has all the options should he want out a couple of years down the road where she will have less.

He should get out, quickly. It seems unfair to string someone along when attraction has died. Do you think that has sex with others on the side? If he's not careful, he will be saddled with being her carer when she gets really decrepit.

Finteq · 04/07/2025 11:50

lizzyBennet08 · 04/07/2025 10:34

I've seen this in real life currently . It was fine ( if a little unusual) when she was 45 and he was 24. She is 65 now and he is 44 and they are worlds apart. She's is poor health and he is a fitness addict who loves iron men competitions and frankly she looks like she could be his mother.
He is my friends bother and she has told me that he wants out and hasn't been attracted to her 'old lady' body for years. Awful really particularly for her as she will end up dumped and in poor health and unlikely to meet someone else .

I don't think I'd be thrilled either but realistically as the younger one in the relationship he has all the options should he want out a couple of years down the road where she will have less.

He's got all the options.

As long as he doesn't have any kids with her, he can always get u to a new relationship.

Caduz · 04/07/2025 12:12

SquishedMallow · 03/07/2025 23:52

Erm ... Ok. But we're talking about OPs son here with a mid 40s woman. He's 25, she's heading towards menopause. I dare say his instincts will lead him back to a woman of his own age..

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I don’t know about that, I think men in general like women they see as beautiful. Same way as many women like men they see as handsome.

This woman is only in her mid 40s, and op said she looks young for her age and pretty. So she probably looks a lot better than some women in their 20s and 30s. I am imagining a woman who looks in her thirties. Plenty of 25 years old men like the look of women who are in their 30s.

Men like pretty women. So there’s that.

I don’t think he’s necessarily going to think oh she’s only got X years of fertility left so I don’t find her attractive anymore.

As we are always being told, men are visual.
he will go on if he finds her attractive or not and if there’s chemistry, personality match etc

Most 25 year old men are not in a rush to have kids anyway. If he does start thinking of it in 5 or 15 years he may not even be with her anymore and if he is - sure there’s a real possibility he may decide to move on.

personally I am in not in favour of massive age gaps, especially when the women is younger .

The most I would entertain is a man 10 years older or younger -. but each to their own.

Caduz · 04/07/2025 12:20

sesquipedalian · 04/07/2025 06:17

If your daughter were 25 and going out with a man in his mid-forties, no-one would flicker. I would be surprised if this relationship didn’t fizzle out after a few years - either your DS will decide he wants a family, or the differences will get bigger as they both get older. All the OP can do is to accept this relationship - if she doesn’t, she risks losing her DS.

I don’t know, I think it depends on your circle . That would raise eyebrows in my social circle if one of my younger female cousins for example was dating a man in his mid 40s. Especially if he looked his age so the difference was stark.

Not one of my friends at age 25 dated anyone over 35. The oldest man I dated at that time was 32. It would have been considered weird for us to be with a 45 year old man. I had one male friend who was 40 when I was mid 20s and he later shared he had a crush on me back then. I’m glad he didn’t say anything at the time because I wouldn’t have entertained it all. He did date a friend of mine who was a couple of years older than me though.

But I do agree people are more likely to criticise age gaps when the man is the younger one.

SquishedMallow · 04/07/2025 12:56

Lou7171 · 04/07/2025 11:14

Um men can also be gay.... so sexuality isn't driven by a desire to breed, in every male.

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Well... Obviously they wouldn't be looking at women of child bearing age - they don't fancy women !?

What the fuck is this nonsensical whatabouttery all about !? Anyone !?

MissDoubleU · 04/07/2025 13:40

SquishedMallow · 04/07/2025 08:52

What a disgusting accusation.

How the actual fuck does a 25yr old male (example here) being more likely to desire a 25yr old woman as opposed to the mid 40s (soon to be 50s) woman have anything to do with paeodophilia !? Disgusting accusation

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That’s not what I said, is it? I said when someone refers to “a female of child bearing age” it can mean anything around 12/13 years and up. So as such that specific phrase should really be avoided in general.

YankSplaining · 04/07/2025 14:54

oldparents · 04/07/2025 07:33

Come on now, no parent would be happy with this!

My biggest fear would be if he gets her pregnant. This would scupper his finding a girl his own age, because he would come with too much baggage for a 25 y/o. He would be paying child support at a time when he's meant to be young and fancy free, not to mention any age related problems with the pregnancy and birth (and baby could have problems too).

I agree there's not much you can do Op, but you have my HUGE sympathies. Fuck knows what this woman is thinking. What 45 y/o would ever fancy a 25 y/o?

For those ladies commenting that they are 45 and look great, let me tell you, after about 52 the shit gets real, and looks fade very fast. Op hopefully he will come to his senses soon.

“At a time when he’s meant to be young and fancy free” - he’s 25, not 18. I know some people seem to have decided that anyone who has children when they’re less than 30 is practically a teen parent, but 25 is a perfectly normal age to become a father.

BruFord · 04/07/2025 16:04

The fact it's his dads friends widow who is just a couple of years younger than you is a bit fucked up too, wonder if the reactions would be the same if it was a 25 year old female in a relationship with her mums friends widower almost nearly the same age as her dad.

@Binman I thought the same, I wouldn’t be impressed if one of my friends started seeing DD or DS and vice versa if I went after one of their adult children. What does your ex think, OP?

It’s crossing a line of trust, I suppose. Having a relationship with a friend’s child is odd to me. 🤷

Crispyturtle · 04/07/2025 16:13

There was a large age gap between me and a previous boyfriend. I’m sure my parents were secretly horrified but they never showed it, and they welcomed him into their home and lives. If they hadn’t, all that would have happened would have been me spending less time with them, it wouldn’t have made me rethink the relationship for a second. Whatever you think or feel, I think you have no choice but to keep it to yourself and prioritise maintaining a good relationship with your son.

Ultimately our relationship ended, but it was very healthy and happy for five years before it came to an amicable end, and I haven’t got any regret.

Jamesblonde2 · 04/07/2025 16:32

I’d feel the same OP. You’re allowed your feelings. No chance of grandkids either. It’s an odd set up. Their respective friends are going to be like chalk and cheese, at very different stages of their lives. His mates will want to go to one end of Ibiza and her mates to the polar opposite end of the island.

Zezet · 04/07/2025 16:44

SayLaveee · 03/07/2025 22:28

It worked for macron

Not if you go by the footage of their state visit to Vietnam...

SquishedMallow · 04/07/2025 18:25

YankSplaining · 04/07/2025 14:54

“At a time when he’s meant to be young and fancy free” - he’s 25, not 18. I know some people seem to have decided that anyone who has children when they’re less than 30 is practically a teen parent, but 25 is a perfectly normal age to become a father.

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Completely and utterly agree!

wizzywig · 04/07/2025 18:34

Maybe he sees her as a mother figure?

Lighteningstrikes · 04/07/2025 18:35

I would feel the same as you @moderdy

Agree, you’ve got to be there for him and ride it out. Whatever you do, don’t go pushing him away with harsh words and further into her arms.

AngelofIslington · 04/07/2025 18:52

SayLaveee · 03/07/2025 22:28

It worked for macron

I don’t think they are the best example of age gap relationships

HarkerandBarker · 05/07/2025 01:24

sesquipedalian · 04/07/2025 06:17

If your daughter were 25 and going out with a man in his mid-forties, no-one would flicker. I would be surprised if this relationship didn’t fizzle out after a few years - either your DS will decide he wants a family, or the differences will get bigger as they both get older. All the OP can do is to accept this relationship - if she doesn’t, she risks losing her DS.

Some people would flicker. I was with a man 11 years older when I was 26 he was 37 and it was his friends that would ask him how old I was.
Another time I was out with him. We were just walking back to his car and I noticed two guys nearer my age look at us with one of them asking the other, 'what is she doing with that old man ' mockingly and laughing. Luckily my boyfriend didn't hear it as he was a few steps ahead. If I had said something to them, my older boyfriend might have felt he had to stand up to them and might of got his head kicked in. I'm 57 now and still remember that as if it was yesterday. Still, good to know my memory is working well 😂

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 05/07/2025 07:45

Just make sure they have the kids conversation. It may not be front and centre of his mind at 25 but if they really are serious then they need to be on the same page.

amigafan2003 · 05/07/2025 19:02

moderdy · 03/07/2025 22:25

I know he's an adult and I need to let him make his own choices. I can't help but feel this way. I didn't say anything, just asked if he was sure about it. I just can't see it working out long term but I don't want to push him away either. I know it is different times I know women my age in relationships with younger men but not such a large age gap.

Why does it need to work out long term? What's wrong with just having fun in the moment?

ViciousCurrentBun · 05/07/2025 19:13

I feel like you op, it’s just too big a gap.

If she knew him when he was under 18 then that is even worse.

If he asks then give a mild version of how you feel, if not say nothing as he is probably not thinking with his brain at the moment anyway.

Skybluepinky · 05/07/2025 19:17

One of my sons friends is living with another of his friends mum and has been since he was 16, she is older than me and 2 of her kids are older than him and 2 are his age. He is 33 this year and they are still together so don’t assume it won’t last, but be there to pick up the pieces if it does. Don’t be tempted to mention age difference or slag off their relationship as you will end up pushing him away.

Isabellivi · 05/07/2025 19:33

exactly this- he is a grown man and why would anyone be so rude t??? Why be angry at a widow for being seduced by a 25 year old man??? She is the one who is vulnerable NOT A 25 YEAR OLD MAN. It’s probably very temporary, true, but I don’t see it as the worst sin imaginable. At least she’s not underage!

Isabellivi · 05/07/2025 19:37

Everyone seems to be missing the fact that the older widow is the vulnerable one in this dynamic

does she have assets that a gold digging 25 year old man might be after?

it is odd to assume the younger one is somehow a victim…. In my experience the younger partner is usually in control

MammaTo · 05/07/2025 19:40

It’s not unheard of but I can understand why you feel upset. If it was my son, I’d feel like he was missing out on a lot of milestones that he might not have with an older woman.