Shocked and sad at my Son's choice to be with much older woman.

[moderdy]

My 25 year old son has just been here to tell me he is in love with and moving in with a woman in her mid 40's, younger than me by a couple of years.

I don't know what to do or feel about it. He was until recently with a lovely girl his own age, they split up and I now know it was due his feelings for the woman he is now with. She is the widow of one of his fathers friends, a man who passed a few years ago now. His Dad and I have been separated for 20 years now and he has been living with his Dad for the past 7 years. I don't think my son has known her that long just a year or so, they got close when his Dad sent him round to help her with stuff in her house.

I don't think I can do anything about this can I? I just need to let it run it's course, he's an adult of course but I just feel so disappointed and angry at this woman she is 20 years older than him. I just don't think it can last.

I need to go to work now I just needed to write something.

I have 4 daughters and 2 sons, and I would feel the same no matter which of them it was.

I guessing that there is massive power imbalance. Bet she earns more, owns more etc so is offering a much sweeter life than he would otherwise have at his age.

But you are right that all you can do is let it run its course. I knew a man at 25 who married a 52 year old. It was a bit of a "WTF"? for all concerned. I knew him through my (then) local, and I know all of his close friends tried to talk him out of it but he wasnt having it. She was wasnt a widow but her exH had left her for a younger woman. His parents stepped back, welcomed her into the family and then breathed a sigh of relief when they split up a couple of years later. I dont think the woman demanding her kids call him their step dad (when they were older than him) helped.

20 years is a bit much
I wouldn't be impressed at all.

If you're worried about him having to provide care for her when she's elderly, the chances of them actually lasting long are pretty slim to be honest. If he wants kids and she does not or is too old by then he can leave in a few years and find someone younger.

So long as she's not asking him for money or wanting him to step into a parental role I don't think there's much to worry about. I wouldn't love it, but I would hide that disappointment completely because it will only lead to issues.

Be pleasant to her, and feel sorry for her, because really she is likely to be the one who will come out by far the worst in this scenario. She's probably going to find herself single again in her 50s if not before. That might not be nice but it is by far the most likely scenario.

“Feel sorry for her”. That’s the worst piece of advice on the thread. So what, it’s impossible for a woman to find love again after 50? Or being single in one’s 50s is the worst thing in the world? And a 30something man is guaranteed to jump straight into a happy and fulfilling relationship?

We know nothing about OP’s son other than he may have had a turbulent adolescence, with moving from living with one parent to another. Why assume his girlfriend is the one who’s going to come off worse?

As she's only a couple of years younger than you, I can see why you feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't be thrilled if my DD or DS moved in with someone a couple of years younger than me either.

But it's happening and you'll have to let them get on with it. The important thing is to keep in touch with him and not become distant. She probably isn't controlling or unpleasant in any way, but you want to keep communication open just in case he ever needs you.

That's the same in any relationship tbh, you want your son to know that you're there if he ever needs you.

It's already clearly stated, so why are you asking?

If your reaction was “surprised and hesitant,” you would not be unreasonable. “Shocked and sad,” though? No, “shocked and sad” is what people should be when their child’s partner is a violent addict who’s been convicted of sexual offenses. This woman’s just in her mid-forties. YABU.

I think sometimes the parent’s responsibility needs to be more of a cheerleader in some cases. If it was an abusive relationship or the woman had some addictions, I could see the reason for more concern.

Maybe this woman is not who you would pick and you preferred the previous girlfriend. I think sometimes you just got to let your adult child live their own life and accept their decisions. Why not get to know them together and organise to catch up for dinner and keep an open mind as you get to know them as a couple.

There is also a big difference between an initial reaction at the news vs "voiced her opinion about me many times".
An initial reaction might be shocked and sad, but repeated statements about loose morals and stealing her son is definitely going to cause a rift.

Adults fall in love. How ia that 'gross'

My fiance is 16 years older than me. We met when I was in my early 30's. It's the happiest,most secure and supportive relationship. We earn similar money so no i'm not with him for cash! We fell in love because we just did. It's very weird to me that some people think you can only fall in love with people within 0-5 years of your own age. You love who you love.

Ride it out. He’s 25, his brain’s frontal lobe isn’t fully formed yet.

I have to agree. I wouldn’t be happy about it either OP.

I was about to comment the exact same!

Adults can be groomed too.

I would be shocked and sad too if it was one of my DC's and I say that as a woman who has been married to a man10 years younger for over 30 years.

The fact it's his dads friends widow who is just a couple of years younger than you is a bit fucked up too, wonder if the reactions would be the same if it was a 25 year old female in a relationship with her mums friends widower almost nearly the same age as her dad.

We are allowed to have hopes and dreams for our DC's and we are allowed to feel disappointed, shocked, sad or hurt. Better to come on a forum and be honest about how we feel than cause a family rift. No need for the you are being ridiculous replies.

Both mine and my DH's parents were concerned about our relationship, it's pretty naïve to think otherwise, but we were both mature enough to realise and accept that and discuss their fears without holding grudges.

How on earth does she sound incredibly petty? This poster sounds measured in how she describes the situation. It's not petty to remember how someone initially made you feel and wish things could have been handled differently!

My sons are similar in age to yours OP, I can totally understand how you feel. But, you need to keep your opinion to yourself and see what the future brings if you want to maintain a good relationship with your son. But it must be easier said than done to do this I am sure. Good luck.

I am older than my husband. He was 21 when we met and I was 34 - so not as big a gap but still a big one. We've been together 20 years now and very happy. The only issue I think is children. We didn't want any so it's never been a problem. However I have a friend who is also married to a younger man. They waited until she was 40 to TTC as she didn't want him to have kids too young and they've struggled to get pregnant. If your son wants children, I guess that's the only concern but it's his concern and not yours.

some men are attracted to cars, farmyard animals and bathtubs full of baked beans.

And we never did find out what happened to the cling film and green vegetable dye.

😂

@July202do you actually get what petty means?
In what way am I petty?
I have never been anything but polite, friendly & welcoming to my in laws.
I was simply explaining that I will never forget how hostile they were when dh & I first got together. How quick they were to be unkind and dismissive about our relationship.
Dh feels exactly the same but we rarely talk about it and have never discussed it with anyone else.

Good set of cutlery

He is 25, and kindly, it’s none of your business. You can feel how you want about it, but i’d steer clear of making any comments etc as he may well cut you off for this woman. We have to let our adult children make their own choices in life and it sounds like right now his choice is this lady.

If your daughter were 25 and going out with a man in his mid-forties, no-one would flicker. I would be surprised if this relationship didn’t fizzle out after a few years - either your DS will decide he wants a family, or the differences will get bigger as they both get older. All the OP can do is to accept this relationship - if she doesn’t, she risks losing her DS.

My NDN was 20 years older than her partner, he was mid 20s when they met, she was divorced with two children. She had a house and money, he had nothing, although in time he bought a house of his own as security. They were together for nearly 30 years and a great fun couple, he adored her and did all the DIY, until she sadly passed away earlier than expected. They were very happy together, I feel sad for him now though, alone in his 50s, her DC don’t see him much anymore and they all seemed so close.

i hope he meets someone else.