I want to share a real story about my friend, to better understand the emotional and relational dynamics involved. Not everyone gets to experience situations like this, so I’m trying to learn from it.
Story:
There are three people: Lisa (F25), Ivan (M28), and Marco (M27).
They’ve known each other since they were 15 through school and shared group activities.
Lisa and Ivan became a couple and have been together for 10 years. In their ninth year, they had a child named Carl. All three now work at the same software company. Ivan is a manager, Lisa and Marco are employees. They see each other daily.
Lisa thought she and Ivan were on track to marry, but he began acting distant, talking to other female coworkers, and pulling away emotionally. Lisa felt lost, guilty for reconsidering their plans, and unsure if Ivan even wanted the second child they had discussed.
Though Ivan once seemed aligned with their future, he changed. Lisa gave him space but felt heartbroken by his irritability and coldness. She tried writing love letters, recalling the deep connection they once had, but Ivan stayed indifferent. He refused couples therapy, leaving Lisa to go alone.
In this emotional low, Lisa developed unexpected feelings for Marco. He had just ended a 3-year relationship and was rebuilding himself, stratingh from scratch.
Marco became a really new person both in his more mature behaviour and image.
Lisa found calm, peace, and safety around him, traits Ivan no longer, or never offered.
She started spending more time with Marco, "for help with work".
She took better care of herself. But Marco, focused on healing and on his life, saw her attention as friendly, not romantic.
After months of trying, Lisa didn’t understand why he never made a move. Her therapist advised her to pause things with Ivan, focus on herself and her child, and get clarity on both men. Lisa couldn’t do it. Instead, she clung to the idea of saving her relationship with Ivan.vSix months later, Lisa is pregnant with their second child. She and Ivan are planning to marry next year.
This may sound like fiction, but it’s real.
I’m not any of the three, Lisa is my friend, and she confided this to me.
I think this experience She had, should be of gold for me, to better understand social and relationship dynamics. What I’m trying to understand is:
- If Lisa couldn't leave Ivan, despite the pain, could it be linked to abandonment issues?
- Why didn’t she just tell Marco how she felt? Or just declare "Hey Marco, I like you". I suspect this is related to insecurity.
- Why is she emotionally attached to Ivan’s chaos while craving the peace Marco represents?
To my limited knowledge it seems like a trauma bond is at play, and Lisa still no make any changes to herselves. There is a part of her who want to mature and change, but look like that is not possible with Ivan, since She can't feel at peace, but on an emotioanl rollercoaster. While to be in a relationship with Marco, She need a period alone, grow, and understand how real love might feel like.
From what we hear from healthy relationships and people all over the world, real love is just like feeling home, at peace and with a sense of calmness. Which is all Lisa felt when with Marco.