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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If your Mother-In-Law did this would it irritate you? ....

22 replies

Disenchanted · 15/05/2008 20:15

She used to take the kids out occasionally. But hasn't for ages... a good few months.

However she always says to DS who is 3.6 and completely understands her, that she will pick him up one day after school (she is a techer) and take him to the park.

She never does.

However every Sunday from 10am - 5pm she goes and picks up her other grandson and has him all day.

Am I right in thinking this isn't fair? She has 3 grandkids not 1!

Its never alternate.

And also, and I'm sorry if I sound a bit bitter, but her other grandson lives with his mum and dad at their nanas house, so there is constantly a nana and a grandad there to give them a break. He is their only child and they have a pretty leaisurly life!

Wherea I am 9 weeks pregnant and have a 3 yearold and 2 year old.

Am I just being petty or do you think what Im saying has some truth?

OP posts:

Original poster

Disenchanted · 15/05/2008 20:20

And should I mention it?

OP posts:

moondog · 15/05/2008 20:21

It sounds really off.
I would get your dh to.

moondog · 15/05/2008 20:21

It sounds really off.
I would get your dh to.

lesleyella · 15/05/2008 20:24

Yup, not nice at all. Definitely get dh to ask her why she does not take the children anymore ...

Original poster

Disenchanted · 15/05/2008 20:25

She is a good MIL and does vist but its really annoying me how everyweek she rings to say 'I'm off to pick xxx up, if you want to see him come to my house'

OP posts:

FranSanDisco · 15/05/2008 20:26

Why do you expect your MIL to give you a break. You have made your choice regarding family size and age gaps. She works as a teacher - demanding job imho. If she was retired I could see your point but why do people expect relatives to give them a break. She has raised her family. Can't she just visit you?

myermay · 15/05/2008 20:26

it would irritate me, i think you dh needs a word about giving you a break

Original poster

Disenchanted · 15/05/2008 20:27

If she didn't take ANY of the children Fran, I wouldn't even bother.

But the fact she chooses to spend the whole day, every week with just ONE of the 3 is what I find upsetting.

OP posts:

FAQ · 15/05/2008 20:28

because FSD her MIL DOES take another grandchild out - but sidelines the OP's children to do this......

Original poster

Disenchanted · 15/05/2008 20:28

I don't expect ANYONE to take care of my children for me, I do EVERYTHING 24-7 without a break from either child and I love it, hence the 3rd on the way.

But if my mother in law wants to spend her sundays with her grandchildren then I think she should do it fairly.

OP posts:

myermay · 15/05/2008 20:28

I think that the point was that she is looking after the other grandchild on a regular basis and not her others - is that right Disenchanted??

Not really very fair to only help with one grandchild but maybe she feels it'd be harder work as you have 2

MrsDanvers · 15/05/2008 20:38

Am I correct in thinking that the favoured grandchild is her daughter's child, disenchanted? If so, then this is a very common thing to happen. Daughter gets tons of help with child care, daughter in law gets bog all. As I always say in this situation, when MIL is bedridden/in a wheelchair let her daughter do all the caring for her.

justdidntthink · 15/05/2008 22:44

I can sympathise with your situation, though I don't have the answers I am afraid! My MIL has never had time for my two sons. In fact, when he was 4, my eldest asked me why Nanny didn't love him! When I told him that she did love him, he told me she didn't because she gave all the other grandchildren hugs but whenever he wanted one she always told him to go and play! She had agreed to look after eldest when number 2 was born but on the day when my husband phoned to tell her I was in labour, she said she couldn't possibly have my son as she had got a hair appointment booked for the afternoon! When my husbands SIL had her 2nd, MIL took a week off work to look after their eldest! My eldest is also her eldest grandchild and yet she has seen him once in the last 18 months. She hasn't seen my youngest for nearly two years, though she only lives a mile or so away. They have been treated like this by her all their lives, so is it any wonder that now they are almost adults they want very little to do with her? They have a great relationship with my mum and my extended family, but I think it so sad they (and she) do not have the same. Before anyone asks, no, she has no daughters so that doesn't explain why she treats my children so differently to her other grandchildren. All I can say is try not to get too bitter about it, ultimately it is her that will lose out and the anger and bitterness can eat away at you. I feel so sorry for my husband because it makes him feel as though he and us are not good enough for her. We are very strong together, having been together over 30 years, but I can't deny it does hurt at times.

TattooedGrrrl · 16/05/2008 14:24

i would pull her up on saying to your child she's coming to take them out, then not coming. Next time i'd say 'are you actually going to pick them up, because you say you will, but never do' It's one thing for her to play favourites, but making false promises to a small child is disgraceful.

3littlefrogs · 16/05/2008 14:30

The only thing you can really pull her up on is the fact that she is making promises to a small child and breaking them. She should not tell him she will take him out if she has no intention of doing it.

The rest, I'm afraid, is her choice. But it is unfair and I feel sorry for you.

greenday · 16/05/2008 14:34

Before you pursue this, can you think of any reasons your MIL may have for spending time with your DS or helping you?

newgirl · 16/05/2008 14:40

has to come from your dh im afraid - he needs to ask directly - mils tend to not be sure what to do with the dils - dont want to tread on their toes etc

Original poster

Disenchanted · 17/05/2008 16:31

Well DH doesn't want to say anything adn TBH it would cause a row if I said anything so we're going to just leave it.

The other grandson is hers sons too, so not a 'closer to daughters kids' thing.

Thanks for the advice x

OP posts:

2point4kids · 17/05/2008 16:34

TBH I wouldnt be upset at her not taking your kids out. I wouldnt even let it bother me that she takes her other grandson out and not your kids.
It WOULD bother me that she keeps telling your son that she will take him to the park and then not doing it. Thats not nice.

I'd mention it to her and say something like... oh ds mentioned last night that you said you'd take him to the park after school, he's really looking forward to it. did we mention a day or shall we arrange it now?

dizzydixies · 17/05/2008 16:49

totally sympathise, pil spend all week with sil's kids and see mine maybe once a year

and my lot are worse

tis very sad

pil are coming over on friday afternoon and leaving on sunday afternoon, effectively spending one full day with the kids during which she will HAVE to go to debenhams and he will HAVE to watch the football (doesn't matter what football, any match at all)

on top of that have just found out they are bringing dh's youngest neice so won't really spend much time with my girls at all because they're now staying in the travel lodge

right, rant over, I am no longer going to let it upset me, my girls want for nothing in terms of love and affection and when they are old enough to notice then they can ask both sets of grandparents to explain themselves without me needing to be involved

families, great eh?!?

bidibidi · 17/05/2008 16:55

Hm... it's a bit like inheritances (money), isn't it? Parents end up giving what they think their children need, not a fair allocation of their time and money at all.

So what I mean is, maybe your MIL perceives that the other grandchild needs her more than your children do -- perhaps you're coping well, and the other child's parents aren't (in your MIL's opinion).

Do agree it's entirely off to keep promising that she'll take OP's 3yo and then not take him out, though, that's horrible.

keevamum · 17/05/2008 17:01

My MIL does this too sees her other 2 grandchildren loads, rarely sees ours, never on their own with her for example when she actually looks after my SIL's 2 3 x a week. She only lives 5 mins away....It has always really upset me for the kids sake, but Dh has spoken up about it and it makes sod all difference. I can fully sympathise with you.

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