No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

Can someone link the original thread...there was so much good advice on there and I want to share it with a friend who is in a similar situation (as far as cheating spouse who is playing victim)

@Gingerloaf you are so inspirational, keep your head up high. Live your best life, you deserve it

Original thread

Blindsided by H www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5136910-blindsided-by-h

People whom behave as they have very little inclination towards self reflection.

Their go to is the blame game.
I have no doubt that there will come a time that they split and move on.

She has put herself in an awful position going forward.
Can you honestly imagine any sympathy towards her or willingness by other women to include her in their circle?
Knowing that she is clearly on the prowl?

I would imagine the chill of a very cold wind is blowing in her direction.

I have heard of some men carrying on their lives but women never being forgiven.
It's a very cold world out there when women mess up.

IME women are held to a much higher standard, particularly by other women.

@Gingerloaf you said you wish you learned the lesson ages ago. So do I as over the years I accommodated very selfish people (like my H and MIL) to my own detriment. Stupid,I know(now).

You can’t control the other people’s behaviour,only your reaction to it.

It takes a while to overcome our upbringing (hello patriarchy) and to “offend”, “upset”, and annoy the other people when it finally clicks that if we don’t take care of ourselves then nobody else will.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Now when I look back I can see that signs and red flags were right from the start but I didn’t see them.

How the heck are you supposed to know that somebody who you thought loved you is going to despise you and screw you over in every possible way.

However nice they pretend to be they still despise you. We've been told all the time “treat people the way you’d like to be treated” however this rule goes out of the window.

Treat them like they treat you. Fake it till you make it. Honesty and transparency will take you nowhere with dirty bastard playing games.

They play dirty so you must as well. Get a good rottweiler of a divorce solicitor and go for the jugular. Your and your children’s future are at stake.

Fight with a smile on your face,cheery “hello” to him and his side kick. Never let your guard down.

Good luck 💐

Oh and I wouldn’t entertain any communication with OW- I would be setting the record straight with anybody who asks though.

It is 39 years today since we met - a strange day and I notice that I am not distraught, not even very sad.

@Gingerloaf you are amazing. It wasn't until the anniversary of the day he left this year had been and gone that I realised I hadn't given it a thought. I was so impressed at my progress 😆

Having said that, I needed to hear @Legendarygincupboard say "Poking that wasps nest Will ultimately get you stung" because I don't think I'll ever stop wanting his new 'beautiful people' to know what he really is. Hopefully they'll work some of it out for themselves.

You are so fortunate to have such a strong team of lovely people on your side, @Gingerloaf ❤

I don't understand why you are bothering to give him the time of day unless you are actually interested in a reconciliation? Why allow him to 'play the victim' in your company?

@Littys - oh yes it’s a very chill wind blowing in their direction. Of course someone is going to believe her bullshit that I am spreading rumours but they even look an odd couple ( an acquaintance passed them in the street and was unaware of the situation- this person thought OW was his mum / aunt/ older relative)

I think there will be a lot of stress at budgie mansion - and that’s enough for me.
Knowing him - he will be hell to live with - even if they are having their own pity party and believing the world is against their ‘love’ he will be over thinking to distraction ( he was like that over paint colours)

I think at the moment she cannot loose face and kick him out too soon - because then everyone would know it went tits up within weeks ( from what I understand it did)
So she’s clinging on for dear life - but there are key events in the life of all three of us between now and Christmas, so I expect a bit more angst. Mainly on their part. I am ready for it and have made plans to mitigate any emotional turmoil.

Me - I am choosing outfits for my weekend and slapping on those products !!!

@TangerinePlate - you do make me smile. I am avoiding petty stuff ( where I can) but I want them to be really clear that I will not be cowed - I will speak my truth, I will go into those shops, I will clap back where required
They don't get to have their cake and eat it

I will update when I can - I am aware that things are a little outing and so I need to proceed with caution but suffice to say ‘ the pity me party’ was dealt with in a way that may well have deflected back onto them.

@MillyCentTap - I am grateful for all the support and that includes everyone here. I hope the collective wisdom helps anyone else going through this.

@Teacherprebaby - he is not in my company. Unfortunately even in separation you have to deal with the other person for various reasons.
People can play the victim via an email / solicitor exchange - if you have not experienced this it’s difficult to compute how this takes so long to sort and why they don’t just disappear off the face of the earth.

Reconciliation is not on the cards.

Ultimately what you do with the anniversaries is up to you. Initially the anniversary of the day I had my late husband removed by police was a dark one; it was very scary at the time. I am now coming up on the 7 year anniversary and it's starting to feel like 'freedom day' instead. Nothing has to be set in stone.

Budgie Mansion has made my day @Gingerloaf

So - apart from OW believing herself to be the victim H has adapted his name and started to write emails that sound like he’s been watching Kavanagh QC ( for those of you of a different generation / country that was a drama based around a court case)
It is slightly ridiculous - the mansplaining is off the scale - shitty email followed by helpful ones ( not sure how I got this far in life without knowing some of the stuff that is being explained to me ( garages, tyres, ) but anything I actually want him to help with I get nada

There are still petty incidents and requests that focus on the minutea of life and not the magnitude of what he has done.

So glad to have good friends who distracted me with fun and laughter

You must be longing for the day when you won’t have to put up with his/her cr@p any longer, although it sounds like she will be out of the picture first. How much more unfair treatment can the ‘poor victim’ take? 😶

I just cannot fathom how the OW can play the victim card. She pursued a married man and then shacked up with him. What a disgrace they both are. How can she possibly justify this to anyone, even herself? I honestly would like to know what she tells herself her deceased husband would say to all of this. She is a piece of work.

Good for you OP for holding your head high. Great things are headed your way and all they will have is misery and regret

I sincerely hope OP, that his continued twatty behaviour has thoroughly given you the full Ick.

Thereby aiding you to slowly but fully emotionally detach.

I cannot imagine any woman wanting to revert to sharing her life with someone who has exposed and shown himself to be such a complete tit.

I can definitely get over some things, but pure rampant stupidity kills respect as does inducing a feeling of cringe/ mortification on their behalf because of past associations.

So glad to read of your friends continued support.🙏

Thank you one and all - if I wasn’t experiencing it I would not have believed the petty and stupid behaviour of H ( although looking back he could get hung up on weird tiny details)

It is giving me the ick - now I am 3 months in I can see more clearly.
What is truly hard - despite the twat rush behaviour is breaking the habit of nearly 4 decades. It truly is like a drug - that life is still familiar, not perfect but familiar and in many ways comfortable.
Making new habits and new memories is still very new and nowhere near outweighing the time we have had or the connections that we had.

Again people still surprise me - mainly the ones who talk to him and then eventually tell me they have spoken. So often these people have no idea what the real story is or how they are being manipulated by H who is trying to justify the new world he is in and find out information.
Many people will think they are doing the decent thing but frankly it’s a minefield of manipulation and lies.
Anyone reading this who knows of such a situation- be very careful, the cheater has already proved to be a liar what more do you need to tell you who they are??
Now don’t pile on with ticking me off - it’s my perspective and one voiced to give an insight into how emotionally draining this process is.
.You maybe a friend or an employer of someone going through this process - if you have not been there you may not appreciate how insane it gets and what it does to people.
I certainly have known of people in this position and had no idea of the depths of the shite it throws at you - when it’s not even your fault.

Tha ks for staying in touch - wishing you well

Happened to me too - I hear you

I hear you too @Gingerloaf . I can't remember what I've said on what threads so apologies if I repeat myself.

Many people will think they are doing the decent thing but frankly it’s a minefield of manipulation and lies.

Mine had been working on people, even my own family members, for years, some of whom I hadn't even met, trying to tell them how awful I was. The ones I did know dropped me like a hot brick as soon as he was gone (not my family thankfully, I've been able to rebuild my relationships with them) but he suggested to one on his side that I 'might need some support' and there was his obedient little flying monkey lined up right there. In that support she supplied all the information he wanted fed back to me. I quickly learned that it was just manipulation and shared nothing back that would be of any interest to him. I don't think she is aware to this day he was and still is using her. It all sounds so dramatic and whatnot but, as you say, if you've been through it you get it. Sadly.

I'm laughing at mushroom man channeling Kavanagh QC, what a fanny 😆. It would be worth the extra few pounds for your solicitor to put in one of his or her letters that the tone of MM's emails is duly noted, as is the fact he is addressing inconsequentials and not the matter at hand.

I quickly came to the decision not to expect anything at all from my ex but also to not ask for anything. My solicitor dealt with all the paperwork stuff so he took on the delays and tantrums in that respect, although it cost me, naturally. The rest of the stuff I took control of and if it was something of his that needed an answer it was dumped at his door or packed up with his shite which would be delivered in due course. Oops, did I forget to leave it on top of a labelled box, what a shame.

I'm glad you had a good weekend with your friends @Gingerloaf , I was thinking of you 🤗

I remember my cousin cheating on his wife and got the OW pregnant, the lies that were spread about his wife were shocking. Even more shockingly, was his immediate family believing all that was told by him. They loved his wife but couldn't see how they were being manipulated by their son, the lies he told.

Keep strong x

Oh OP, I so get it.
Amazing how easily manipulated some women can be, so called friends who think friendship means patronising the shite out of you by being "even-handed" "not taking sides" "caring about you both" 🙄,when you are reeling from your marriage imploding with infidelity and you actually thought she was your friend.

Not to me thank god, but I have heard a few stories in my time and one person was a peripheral friend of mine.

Of course these selfish pricks aren't going to be honest to friends.
They are going to manipulate the stupid, play the victim, imply they have quietly suffered, eventually cracked, and just fell in love with someone else🤷🏻‍♀️🙄.

One of my friends was patronisingly lectured and given nuggets of wisdom that "might help rise above her emotions and be generous towards him, as he was suffering too".🤬
The above was the final conversation before she refused to engage further having had enough "advice" from someoneshe thought was HER pal.
I avoided this person after the above.

When her name came up with other friends, I passed on that I was no longer interested in someone who would think such advice was appropriate to an old pal.
A pal whose husband has moved in with a younger colleague, had devastated her and her two young adult children with his pure selfishness.

I couldn't be friendly with stupid.

They must be the talk of the wash house. She’s unsafe near other women’s husbands and he’s looking for a sugar mummy (preferably a budgie owner). What sad and increasingly isolated pair they are.

Just adding my thanks. My situation is rather different, but I needed that.

@Gingerloaf just found your updated thread. You are amazing.

Hello everyone- thank you for your responses. It gives me strength to know that there are people out there who have experienced this manipulation and see it for what it is.
A friend did say that - in general- most people will listen to Budgie Babe ( BB) and mushroom man ( MM) and maybe nod even sigh or agree but privately be appalled at their actions.
I suppose it’s that silence of people not wishing to call it out or voice a differing opinion that juggles me - but that’s human nature.

MM has been asking for something specific - an object that most people would disregard but was awarded to him by BB - and he has been most anxious for its return. It’s one of those things you keep for a period of time and hand back for the next person to get. BB is in charge of said object - and it’s a matter of concern that he didn’t bring it with him when he left. Frankly I had no idea where it was in the house. Many attempts were made to get this object - clearly BB was concerned about her reputation should said object not be available for awarding to the next person.
It is clearly a focus for both - the minutea and not the big picture of adultery and wrecking a marriage - it must have been hell at the lovenest wondering where it was. Or what I might have done to it.
It’s very possible that now it has been found and passed on to MM and BB that she will in fact kick his sorry arse out - then my problems may very well begin!

watch this space as they say

Ha, I remember him coming back in the initial days packing up all the little gifts, momentos and 'special' shit she had given him. It was so important for him to be seen to be taking the right things to the love nest. I'd love to have seen her face when the lorries (plural! 😂) loads of the rest of his rubbish (literally) turned up at her already cramped abode.

I hope BB doesn't kick MM's arse out until much further down the line so that (a) they can be miserable and rue their mistake for as long as possible and (b) you can get yourself sorted before dicky starts sniffing round again.