No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

He’s rewriting his story to remain the good guy in his sorry tale.

But he’s a liar and true to form he’s still lying. Boringly predictable.

The first person we lie to is ourself. He’s realising people realise he’s a shit. The fog is lifting.

Good luck op. The people who get it will understand. Those that don’t will think you should be over it after 3 months. Hold those great friends close. You will come out of this with greater insight and wisdom.

All the best.

It's a classic DARVO move. (I'm sure you already know about DARVO but if not do look it up.)

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

It makes you feel like you're going mad. They paint themselves as the victim and place all the blame on you for their actions.

The less contact you have with him the better. Shut him down and build an impenetrable wall.

Once this stage is over with, prepare for the Extinction Burst phase. That's a real doozy.

Strength and solidarity to you.

I started working in a new establishment. I discovered that a new colleague I didn't know had said of me: "Ah! WearyAuldWumman? Her reputation precedes her!"

Turned out that she'd previously worked at the same place as DH's ex. The ex had put it about that I'd broken up her marriage.

Fortunately for me, a senior manager - again, a woman I didn't know - had worked in the same place...and had been on the work trip when the ex and her boyfriend had shared a room. Very quietly, without saying anything to me, she put people right. I'm forever grateful to her.

I'm just in awe. What a strong tribe of women on this thread.

I do wonder when his male friends meet the OW do they think WTF does he see in that. That's how the men I know think.

Question if he remarried would he still get @Gingerloaf half of the pension?

Mention of the pension prompts thoughts of changing your will if you have written one OP.

@Sicario - extinction burst

Don’t leave us all hanging - what the heck is that?
Forewarned is forearmed

None of his male friends have met OW - however there is a photo in the public domain ( and no I am not sharing it) those friends around the world who have been alerted have been astonished at the image of her - gobsmacked and perplexed is how many feel

He went on an ego trip and thought he was something he wasn’t and frankly he is now living with the consequences

I live in The belief that this process will make me stronger - that I have enough ick to last a lifetime ( I worry about future family events when he shimmies over and asks if I fancy a dance like nothing ever happened at eg DC wedding) that my friends will hold me close, that my DC know what he has done and that ultimately he will be the bigger loser.

And yes classic DARVO - I knew that with the victim status they took on but wow has it ramped up

@MinnieOfThePinny - at this point it makes no difference

However I was quick to tell my parents to ensure no monies were allocated to him etc ( they weren’t but we had never discussed their wills before)
I just have to stay alive …

Re DC weddings you'll have Marco on your arm at those 😜

Good to hear that. x

Maybe share "The Script" with friends and relatives? With a tick chart so they can monitor his progress through it! Hope you are keeping all his madder communications together with your balanced responses ... You are so clearly much more intelligent than he. Sooner or later he will go too far and expose himself for the ass he is. Keep your powder dry ....and when the time comes he won't know what hit him!

@Yankeescot all your friends sound horrible! I’m sorry you were treated this way. One betrayal bad enough but multiple ones.., it’s a horrible world out there.

So many of these stories are painful to read.

He hasn't the capacity for real self reflection so will continue to lash out at you.

But he is desperate to wrestle control of the narrative, and to do that he must paint you as someone who drove him to it.

Honestly, anyone who cares to believe him are really not people you want to bother with.

But I definitely think adopting a Mona Lisa like expression with the occasional wry grimace/ pained half smile to those you meet will serve you well, if his name comes up.....how one might react to an errant child.

Model deathly calm and a zen like aura so that his "crazed harridan" prose, jars to those that meet you.

Mention "the script" and how amusing it is that he continues to follow it, chapter by chapter, so there are no surprises for you.

The calmer and more accepting you are the better.
Fxxk it, start telling people you wish them both the best.
That clearly the marriage is over so there really is no rancour on your part.

Obviously the above can be quickly ditched in a safe space with friends.

He will not like to hear that you are fully accepting that it is 100% over.

I would cease to respond to his emails beyond ok, yes, no, and leave them as long as possible.

You are well ahead of him.
You have the Ick and you are fully contemplating a future without this lying twat.
You are winning.

Oh and one thing to remember is that his fling will not last, and he should be very wary of what will come from her when they break up and she is desperately trying to recover from this.
Beyond the few nosey people who will sniff around initially for the entertainment of the inside story, when they break up I would imagine her dance card will be bare.
Keep your business very tight.
There is nothing worse than discovering loose lips in your circle, share with only your very closest friends.

I truly love you all

@justasking111 - many thanks for bringing Marco back. Just the tonic required ( new members of the tribe will need to check out the original thread- think dream man)

@Littys - you are very wise. Anyone believing the bullshit is welcome to it but I might actively start wishing them well
So many people say the fling won’t last - there were cracks early on but she was adamant, when challenged by the tribe that they were together
Out of interest - why won’t it last? How long are you giving it?
Not because I want reconciliation- just the pleasure of watching him implode. I think Xmas will be difficult so it could be January

So much collective wisdom and sadly so much pain.
Thank you one and all

I am making plans - some quite radical but I know I am not strong enough just yet to put them into play. 2025 may be a better time - in the meantime my days are filled with friends and activities ( some activities I have let slip and I need to address this issue where I am not selfish enough to make sure I do them first - it’s an old habit)

Ok I googled extinction burst - yep I can see that it will move to that - but now I am expecting it.

’extinction burst when a behaviour that used to get a result doesn’t work anymore. It’s a brief often intense increase in that behaviour as an attempt to return to the familiar’

Deep joy - I think I will make that bingo card after all!

I can just imagine Marco- tall, dark haired, looking gorgeous in a beautifully cut suit, on your arm at DC’s wedding, leading you on to the dance floor!! STBX Mushroom Man is looking on and spitting feathers as he is all alone having been ditched by Budgie Babe.
Stay strong @Gingerloaf, he is just trying to change the narrative in order to regain control and alter peoples perception of him and his actions.

My exH who I finally left after six years of physical, mental and sexual abuse, told everyone that I ‘ran off’ with another man. He was living with another woman very soon after I left and while he was broadcasting this. I was mildly miffed but the reality was that I was free of him. The people that mattered to me knew the truth and I couldn’t have cared less about the others.

All I can say you are better of without him and if it were me I wouldn't want him back.

What I love about this thread - is that it resembles my messages with friends. If anyone were to read this ‘out of the blue’ they would wonder what the heck about BB, MM and now Marco …… we have a narrative here that’s surreal and it’s glorious for its many layers of nuance.

Brilliant

I think BB will still be there struggling to do the Macarena with a Zimmer frame ...

Just view the extinction burst as the finale to a fireworks display: half a dozen really loud bangs followed by a lot of smoke.

Re: Marco, I am seeing a distinguished silver-haired gentleman, lightly tanned, a man who dresses well and always smells amazing. Of course, I am actually describing my own (very civilised) ex.

Preparation for the extinction burst should be this period of you modelling extreme measured calm and generosity towards them.

Any subtle devious way of throwing petrol on it to increase its ferocity should be considered.😁

Certainly binning/donating some bits in the house that he may value, but of course denying completely, can be good for stressing the hell out of twats.
Not valuable items, just of value to him!

As people they do not know each other.
They were shag partners that suddenly got together.
His preference would have been going back and forth between you both, in his egocentric delusion.🙄
Both of you vying for him.

You cut that off, so they are two people living in her space that are together a lot, with all the normal petty irritations and annoyances that undoubtedly brings.

The winter is long and dark to be stuck inside with someone who gets on your tits.

Christmas will be challenging.
As discreetly and as calculating as you can, ensure he is excluded from as much as is possible.

Have some gatherings in your home that he can hear about.

I presume he is still barred from returning? so you busy yourself with planning some lovely evenings with your children, their friends and the inner circle.

I certainly hope your friends will ensure he is included in any gatherings at their's.

Hopefully it will be a quiet holiday for them.
In your place, anyone that entertains them, should go in the friend bin, absolutely no second chances IMO.

I have absolutely no tolerance for "balance" in these situations.
You are either a real friend or you are dead to me.
Loyalty or I am not interested.

Christmas is a time of past memories of other Christmases.
Let see how this one pans out as he views the future ahead.

I think while his denial is dragging it out, the full reality of just how enormously he fucked up will hit him.

Do not be surprised at all at a really bad dose of anger at his very poor choices, to morph into him sinking into a BIG depression.
For flying monkeys to be "genuinely worried" about him.
Be ready for it because he may try and manipulate you and your children with this.

Ultimately they are not a love match, so they will not last.
However, they will cling together for a while, for him for housing alone, but he will be whirling around in his head trying to figure out his next move, and how he can come out of this not smelling of dung!

Oh and when the extinction burst does arrive, your position/expression should oscilate between, faux shock, faux pity, faux regret, faux fxxking concern......while protecting yourself from any time alone with him.
You are doing great.

@Littys - your post made me chortle

Be assured Christmas plans are sorted and are very different to any other year - DC and their partners wanted a new tradition this year. H is not included or anywhere near.

I intend to prep for the extinction burst - and my narrative is now ready for that - so glad it was mentioned

Depression / breakdown would be appropriate for him - he has done his level best to break me - there will be no compassion. She is welcome to that new phase.

I think you are right about the clinging together- for her she has to attempt to parade that this is the real deal for as long as possible so as not to loose face

Again - I salute the friendship, support and wisdom of all of you on this thread and hope that it helps anyone else to be prepared for the shitshow of a lifetime that explodes when this happens.

@Gingerloaf I’ve been following your thread, but don’t think I’ve commented before?…

I think from your musical influences mentioned in a pp, we are probably roughly the same age. Loads of strong female singers. Amazing time for music!

one of my favourites was and is Sharleen Spiteri from Texas. She has balls of steel and I wouldn’t like to be in her firing line! Anyway, she brought out a solo album a few years ago, when she found out her DP was cheating. OMG she gives him a roasting in some of the songs. If you fancy a wee listen, the album is called Melody. Tracks of note, I’m Gonna Haunt You, and Stop I Don’t Love You Anymore.

Hope you don’t mind me slightly derailing your thread! You sound amazing btw.

I agree. @Gingerloaf will be shimmering, effervescent and enjoying Marco's company on the dancefloor and radiant in the wedding pictures. MM will be stiffly upright with a forced rictus grin, holding onto the back of BB's mobility aid - she will be done up like the last days of Barbara Cartland, her false eyelashes resembling two crows that have crash-landed into the white cliffs of Dover, vacantly grinning. They will wonder why they are sitting together, alone in a corner, at the reception, bypassed by all the fun guests and overlooked in the speeches. MM will have made an utter nuisance of himself during the wedding preparations by insisting that the venue has to have an easily accessible toilet for BB and no stairs to negotiate.

Even if Marco turns out to be a fantastically loyal Staffordshire Bull Terrier, he will still look rakishly good in the photos by Ginger's side in a jaunty bow tie.

Strength and love @Gingerloaf. You're a good person who deserves better. With love. x

I have just had to stand by and watch my DD go through the same situation. We helped where we could but in reality there was nothing we could do to ease the pain of the absolute betrayal. Reading the accounts of @Gingerloaf and others here it is gobsmacking just how similar these self centred men are.

It took a long time but our DD came through it and is rebuilding her life. In the end even those who listened to him could see it for what it really was.

You are doing well @Gingerloaf and you will come through this too.