No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

I found out in May my DH was having an affair. Hindsight, I wish I’d concealed an air tag somewhere in he’s coat/bag, not to charge in on them, but to gather information, know when he’s lied and to give me a starting point on working out what was going on. Try to stay calm. Unless you have something conclusive, he’ll try to lie his way out of it, and it’s hard not to believe it as it’s what you want to hear. Good luck, sending a supportive hug x

@Gingerloaf Budgie Babe 🤣. Sexy nickname! Wonder if she’s used that for dating profiles before?

@Gingerloaf I didn’t comment last time just absorbed all the advice and read your updates in awe. You are one powerful super women! So glad to see you’re ok and moving forward, it’s so bloody hard isn’t it, you’ve been in my thoughts! X

I've thought about you everyday and so glad I found this update today. Go girl! You're a true inspiration x

You are all very kind - I really am not superwoman, this is the result of my wonderful friends who listen to me talk shite at all hours.

I know who I can trust
I have cut some people out of my discussion
I have learnt that less is more when he sends the daily email of vitriol- he wants to get a rise from me. Well nope!
Whats important to them is nada to me - or to the grand scheme of things
I am uplifted by friends saying in 2 years time he will be living a sad life and penniless ( it pays to have a good solicitor)
I value the support and input on this site - not all advice fits but certainly the bits about the tactics they use and the strategies they use has been very helpful
I know that I am experiencing grief- grief for the relationship I thought we had, the trust I had and the love I gave

What I need to get better at is focusing very much on me - sleep, eat, exercise etc it’s easy to be bogged down in dealing with a couple of idiots with the morals of a sewer rat.
They are truly welcome to which ever level on of hell they are living in.

Anyone reading this and suspicious of their OH need to arm themselves with good friends - preferably well established and been through a divorce themselves and in whom you trust
A good solicitor
Some pampering products
A separate bank account
A good therapist
And a sense of perspective ( which will wobble from time to time)

I found out in May my DH was having an affair. Hindsight, I wish I’d concealed an air tag somewhere in he’s coat/bag, not to charge in on them, but to gather information, know when he’s lied and to give me a starting point on working out what was going on. Try to stay calm. Unless you have something conclusive, he’ll try to lie his way out of it, and it’s hard not to believe it as it’s what you want to hear. Good luck, sending a supportive hug x

Thank you! The last time I was away I put a tracker on the car and he (or the car anyway) was exactly where he said he was, nothing suspicious. We also have the find my phone/friends enabled on our iphones which again has shown nothing suspicious. Of course this doesn’t prove innocence, there are easy ways to get around it if you want to. I think his phone would alert him to an air tag being nearby?

I am absolutely not confronting again without evidence. I am still with my poorly father who has had a setback but have a list of things to check into upon my return. I would be thrilled to find this is all in my mind. My gut is telling me something different and I’m not naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to me.

@YorkshireTeaDance - stick with your gut

Even if there is no affair - something is wrong and he is not making you feel safe in the relationship and loved - that’s enough
I really wish I hadn’t found ‘reasons’ to let things go - but I did, I should have sat and listened to my gut and pondered what I saw, heard, smelt, felt and thought

Wishing you well

So we enter a new phase - or at least I am now aware of the new phase

H is now telling people that I am not well, that he has tried to help me and I have refused it and that my actions are not sane. In fact he is worried about me.

I know previous posters predicted this sort of revision of history - he has implied I should have seen it coming etc it should not have been a surprise but it is quite breathtaking to see / hear the long list of imaginary ways he has helpede, it truly is a parallel universe

I know people will say - those that know you / saw things as they unfolded, will know it’s not true but it’s the audacity of trying to tell people he knows are speaking to me, that my reality is wrong.
Its even weirder to have people’ keep me up to speed ‘ with their unexpected conversation with him.

Would like to hear your thoughts on what the F is going on now!
And what stage comes after this - the delusion is breathtaking

He 'helped' you by starting an affair with another women! Now I have heard it all.

Breathtaking, OP, absolutely breathtaking. Do you think he is actually quite sane?

Are you actively divorcing him, op?
I'd say the sooner you completely disentangle yourself, the better.

O, that way madness lies; let me shun that;
No more of that.

My late husband's ex (whom he left because of her affair) told their mutual friends that he was the guilty party. He chose to keep a dignified silence. Mistake.

Her narrative was that her AP only became her partner after being a very good friend to her...

That nonsense was only put to bed a couple of years after DH and I married. (We married 8 yrs after he left his first wife and 6 yrs after the 'no fault' divorce). I finally snapped after I'd had a couple of glasses of wine. I can't recall now what was said to me, but I informed the women concerned that the ex had broken up the marriage by falling in love with her AP. (In retrospect, I should have been a bit blunter than that.)

You're dealing with things beautifully, OP. Don't give the bugger any leeway. Tell people exactly what has happened.

I recall that you've already sought legal advice? Don't worry about trying to be 'civilised' - he'll just take advantage of that.

What he means by helping - he gives imaginary examples where he has tried to help me ( house related) or sort things out which h have refused - none of it is true

We are in the process of getting the separation agreement but getting the details etc from pension people is immensely difficult
In the meantime he is in contact. Sometimes requesting something, sometimes mansplaining - emails vary in from vicious to what on ‘paper’ looks helpful

It’s his need to present as the worried STBXH and not the bastard who had an affair and then left. He also seems to have forgotten the times he has tried to test the waters here when the OW was u aware of what he was doing.

That's par for the course, OP. He doesn't want people to know that he's a rat and he doesn't want to admit it to himself.

It sounds like he is trying to shift everyones attention from his shitty behaviour to your ‘mental problems’. The consequences of his actions are coming home to roost and he is probably desperate to keep coming across as the good guy that he believed himself to be before dicking around with the OW.

Men in particular often seem to be unable to just admit they have behaved terribly, there always has to be some outside influence that forced them to behave how they did. Can everyone not see how he was the victim here? 🙄

People certainly don’t have any idea of the depth of pain,sadness, shite you go through, and it doesn’t go away after the initial smack in the face realisation and discovery of infidelity, followed by the amazing darvo yet followed by pathetic attempt at saying sorry, followed by denial once more, then you have to live with them and try and sort out the finances for divorce, and find a house to buy, work in the meantime, deal with health problems in the meantime, and put up with his solicitors fed b*sht lies emails..I’m 9 months on from discovery/confrontation, desperate to leave the house, desperate for it to have sold, desperate for the finances to be sorted but not to the detriment of my life as I didn’t create this so why should I have any less..it’s still going on, and people look at you like your crazy when they realise you’re still not ‘normal’. This is the hardest thing the most soul destroying thing that’s happened..Sorry I went off there and hi jacked..

Thank you one and all - I do think he is trying to recover his reputation ( and maybe deep deep down he knows he effed up)

God forbid he admits anything and no doubt he is telling himself and OW he is happy - and isn’t

@schtompy - you didn’t hijack at all. What I like about this thread is that it’s becoming a manual for all those poor souls who are about to enter this shitty new world they don’t expect or do anything to deserve

I mentioned the levels of hell and by sheer chance on the radio it mentioned that Dante reserved the lowest level of hell for those that betray others. Apparently they get trapped in ice. Level 9 for those who like a pub quiz!

My blood pressure just went through the roof reading your update. My twatwaffle of an ex husband did exactly the same. Before we'd split up though.

He was having an affair with not one, but 2 of my supposed friends. It was the middle of the night, I'd woken up and was in kitchen. His phone went off(pre-smart phone days, just text and phoning) it was a text from a friend of mine(not one of the affair friends) who lived in a different city responding to a message from him the prior day. When I saw her name flash I read the message because why the hell was she texting him? She was my friend and his acquaintance as they'd never spoken by phone before this time period. I'd read the messages he'd been sending her saying exactly what your ex has been saying about you. Saying them I'm not well, clearly having a psychotic break, he's desperately frightened for his safety blah blah which was all news to me! All of this was to cover his affairs and make himself look like some poor victim. That fucker had lifted some of my friends phone numbers who lived in other cities, some he'd never even met and was sending shit like this to them.

As it turns out, he and one of the affair partners were hooking up regularly at another married couple friends of ours and the married friends kept it schtum from me. He had to have known that I would eventually find out and he was setting up an evil scenario where he was some poor, poor man living with a crazy person so he had to go find solace in other women's vaginas.

I'm so happy that you have friends that will bring these conversations to your attention @Gingerloaf and talk to you about what's really going on. These are your people. Please be assured he's giving the same narrative to others who will just go along with him and not say a word to you. Only when they find out the real truth, they'll contact you with apologies on how they went along with his narrative. Ignore and never give them the time of day again. They are not your people.

I'm sending you every ounce of strength to get this divorce finalised and get these 2 out of your life. Forever! So you can move forward and have the happy life you deserve with people who are good to you. Please keep us updated

@Yankeescot - I am beginning to think we need trigger warnings because clearly this behaviour is par for the course but will upset those who are further down the line than me. I am so sorry for you - and you are right, he will be telling others and some will swallow the guff I do have some very long standing friends who are so gracious with their time ( and swear words)
I am very cautious of new people and those whose alliance is ‘balanced’ , thoughtless people who think they are helping and are actually feeding mushroom man

Take care

It's like these idiots read it from some manual! They know they've screwed up on a monumental level and try to turn it around on the innocent party!

I'm seething for you for what phase you are about to enter, and the level of extra mindfuckery you're going to have to navigate. Because he will start making this truth in his head. I don't know about yours but mine could charm the birds out of the trees as he had an innocent almost boyish demeanor about him. So he was one of the smoothest liars I'd ever encountered.
I maintained dignified silence as I was finding out the levels of betrayal from not only exarsehole, but supposed friends of mine. All I cared about at that point was taking care of business, sell the house and getting back to Scotland. Fortunately I had a small circle of trusted people, mostly through work as I couldn't trust so many others at that time. And he didn't know my work colleagues. Stick with your small circle, they will get you through it. I'm so mad for you right now. And only those of us that have been through this hell can truly relate. Especially when the victim narrative starts to all and sundry.

Let your ex spread any false narrative he wants. Decent folk will eventually learn the truth, even if they believe him now. But they don't deserve a place in your future life. Which once you're finished with the divorce, you'll be freeeeeee! Please block him completely out of your life forever when the divorce happens. It's the only way you'll be rid. I don't know if you have the luxury or desire to relocate when it's all over, but that helped me immensely! New surroundings, new life, new friends, new happiness.

They always make out you're bonkers/unhinged/neurotic. It was ever thus, throughout history. Neurotic little mousey women locked away, often for having the guts to not be mousey at all...
Anyway, calling you mental seems to be how they justify their behaviour; they expect people to think "oh the poor chap, how on earth did he put up with her for all those years...?" But of course anyone who knows you won't fall for it and he is just making himself look like an even bigger fool.

If telling people you're mad/neurotic fails, as, given time, it probably will, he'll then likely play the Huw Edwards get out of jail stress card. So we can all get our tiny violins out for him while he tells all and sundry about his terrible mental health battles.

And before I get called out for this I shall point out that I am in no way belittling those (myself included) with genuine mental health problems, but it angers me greatly that some people use MH as an excuse for abhorrent behaviour.

I've been quietly supporting you since the start of the other thread. I only wish that I had been one tenth of the woman that you are when it happened to me 13 years ago.

Adding to a narrative of mad ex wife. When the shit hits the fan (and it eventually does) any emotional response from shocked wife is classified as “I told you she was mad”

Script hits again.

Reading Chump Lady helped me to stay sane,guided me through conversations with the rat and most importantly let me see (and cut) through all the bullshit I was fed.

OW got cold feet and came back to her DH.

I’m still licking my wounds but I’ll come out of it better 🙂

@PyreneanAubrie - many thanks
I can see that may well be the next stage
He did say I was not to contact him due to his MH ( no previous issues) and I left him alone - it lasted 12 days
He tells people I reach out to him - not true I do respond to his increasingly crazy emails, after a few days and with the least amount of words possible

I am hoping most people will see through this BS - and if they don’t they don’t know me at all.
I have never been one to let it lie - but what I need to do is be really careful not to fuel his ‘story’ and so keep the dignified silence ( and that’s hard)

I really wish I could be more outing on here - but for now I can only drip feed what I think I can do as not to reveal all
any thanks to all the wise and supportive people out there

Op, may I ask, why a separation agreement and not straight for divorce?

Also, I couldn't quite make out from your posts, do you have a non-mol or occupation order in case H decides to try to move back in?

When my aggressive xh was threatening to move back in after separating, I had forwarning and my solicitor had the paperwork ready to go straight to court as soon as he made a move to do so. My solicitor also advised that I changed the locks as it was very rare for a judge to order not to do so.

@Gingerloaf I didn’t spread the news about his infidelity where he lives. A couple of very close friends/neighbours know though.- these are the ones that helped me to get out.

As for OW- I didn’t give her any attention. I know where she works,lives and I have her phone number.However due to our location it turns out we have quite a few mutual friends of friends. I wasn’t shy with them to share that this woman has split up my marriage and family.Her work setting has plenty of people who know. Her husbands acquittances also know. They might tell him.

For all those claiming that the blame is with my H- if the woman knowingly goes after married man then she’s guilty as well.

Fuck all of them. I’m free 🙂 I love my newly single status. Love my kids. Got 2 cats (H hated cats). I have bedroom done to my taste and big bed that I can spread myself on like an eagle. Life’s getting good again.