No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

I knew it was the right thing to get back in touch with you wonderful human beings

@YorkshireTeaDance - I meant GOS in the car ( not traveler) check the sat nav as well in case someone kindly gave her home details and that her knickers would be off ready.
I would also one day - say you are going to be out and then smile back and check if H is still at home. My H did a great job of looking at the DIY - and was still doing that when I got home - but he’d driven 20 mins had a shag and driven home - dont let him know your ETA, call his bluff, ring him at a weird time etc
ehat ever suits your circumstances
wishing you well

That last sentence is the life lesson we all need for any occasion. Thank you!

@Gingerloaf

Part of me is still in denial that my person and best friend of nearly 40 years would do such a thing, especially at such a vulnerable time in my life. We constantly make plans and goals and work as a team to reach them. Of course this proves nothing. Reading your thread (and others on here) has shown me that it’s far more common than I would have believed.

I have such a strong gut feeling, and don’t know if it’s because cheating has/is going on or because I have some trust issues from parents and previous partners.

I won’t clutter up your thread with my own problems but if I do find any evidence, I will start my own. I don’t have many friends in real life and none that I would trust with this info.

Thank you again!

So pleased to see you back @Gingerloaf . I have been wondering how you are doing. Glad you are still pampering yourself, putting on a good show with lovely hair and nails. Pretty knickers and bra don’t need to be for Marco or any man, but for you because you are worth it, as we all are.
Interesting to hear not all is rosy in the love nest. Look forward to hearing about feedback from your tribe.

Ah @Gingerloaf so good to read that you're back and still handling this situation as brilliantly as ever.

I find that when someone is trying to antagonise you, the more reasonable you are, the more it antagonises them. It is a delight to see. Good work.

I had to laugh at him saying that he doesn't think he would be safe with you. Of course he isn't. He'd wither like a dried up mushroom at the back of the fridge under your basilisk gaze and ultra reasonable silence that just screams "keep digging, I'll let you know when you're deep enough."

How safe he would be with US is another matter.

You are making me guffaw - I so knew it was right to come back.

@Kittensat36 - I do t think I will look at a mushroom in the same way. haha

@YorkshireTeaDance - double back on him check where he is. I truly hope you do t get this shit show - but if you do we will all support your thread. Think of the most dignified woman you can, hold your head up high and head to the beauty parlour. He k owes which buttons to press and they always want a reaction - so surprise him with how you are and don’t give him the reaction. That’s what friends are for to hear you say what you would like to say and then you strip out all the emotion and fucks to be given - even if it means you sob in the shower because betrayal of this kind is brutal
We are with you xx

@Gingerloaf

thank you so much for your kindness! I will take your advice.

My tribe are going to ask some awkward questions of OW at an inconvenient moment - again I wish I could say more

I wish you could say more too, oh to be a fly on the wall widow.

And what does H mean he doesn't feel safe with you. WTF? He's got a damn cheek! Just get the bastard patio'd and be done with it 🤣

Seriously, I'm glad you're doing okay and just generally being bloody fabulous 😍

Going back to the him not feeling safe with you @Gingerloaf , their accusations are admissions.

The man you once knew has no doubt surprised you with some of his deeds since he started all this, don't underestimate how far he will go. I know you've already needed support from the police, please don't take any chances with mushroom man, no matter how well you think you know him.

It may sound melodramatic but it has happened all too often, even when they are the ones to end the relationship, and especially when it all goes tits up for them.

💐

Ok @Fannyfiggs i will try and explain as best I can to not reveal too much

Imagine you had a friend who was anlone and very lonely ( they tell you they desperately lonely) and then they tell you that they have met someone new. You would be pleased for them. Imagine you bumped into this woman and her ‘new friend’ in the street and you thought nothing of it until another person says - ‘You do know that’s Ginger loaf’s husband?’

Now you don't know Ginger loaf but you have had experience of errant husbands and find the matter somewhat distasteful. You later meet Ginger loaf ( by sheer fluke) and she explains the affair and other details that give the original story a very different feel.

You are a woman of a certain age and know the world and have no problem expressing your thoughts ……..what would you do?

As for the comment by H - as I said before he has sometimes spouted words and phrases that are not his usual phraseology
Perhaps someone has suggested my involvement with the police was merely an accusation and not because something actually happened - this eases his conscience and maybe their concern??
Or - if he reframes what he did, it is one less thing to face and come to terms with.

I said in the beginning that such men have a very strange take on reality and seem to twist it to suit their narrative.

The righteous fury of other women is a blessing we should all embrace and celebrate. We all have moments where we may have to step up to save one of the tribe - not all people do this. However, when they do it’s delicious.

@MillyCentTap - thank you. I do not under estimate it but you are right to remind us all.
There have been cases over the years where men take a form of retribution on their partner for what they perceive as a slight.
When I was ‘dating as a teenager’ my mother would tell me such things and was very keen that I learnt a certain wariness of men and what they are capable of.

I have precautions in terms of my safety and consider very carefully what I do. The cameras in the house are a godsend - once he noticed these, things changed considerably.
I also journal every evening - who I spoke to, what I did - yep MN gets a mention. So if I ever have to recall what happened and when it’s all there. Including direct quotes.

I would also recommend to anyone in this situation to use their phone to record conversations ( covertly) the police had no problem with this when I mentioned it. Just remember not to put clothing over the microphone bit - makes a hell of a noise.

Then finally - despite all the above - live your life. I had a lovely weekend with friends and that was a tonic - it all helps with another step along the path to being myself again.

Followed your thread @Gingerloaf but never commented on it.

Well done on carrying on with your life. Keep going 🙂

Sadly as somebody once said on MN people won’t do the right thing,they will follow whatever is socially most beneficial to them. If it means they drop the betrayed part and stay friendly with the cheater and OW then that’s it.

I’m nearly year down the line. His affair is apparently finished- I don’t care anymore.I’m no longer living on tenterhooks as I walked away so no longer have to appease his mood swings and shitty behaviour.

The peace is immense. Not wasting my brain energy on him anymore means I can invest it in thinking about my children and my future.

He’s so nice and accommodating,I can see he’s nearly back to being a man I married but.
Last week there was an incident when his nicey nicey mask has slipped and I saw his not so nice side again.

They don’t change. They just pretend to.

Unfortunately I still have to see him as we have kids (8 years and counting)

I’m already detached I think (huuge achievement)and figuring out my life.

I’ll forever be grateful to my real friends and @AcrossthePond55 who guided me through the shittiest time of my life.

If you go through hell keep going. There is life out there and the way out of hell however difficult it is.

@YorkshireTeaDance start your own thread,the help is here.

Keep going ladies. All the best ((()))

@Gingerloaf Good morning to you an inspirational woman. I'm in total awe of you. He is clearly a fool mucking you about. Onwards and upwards for you, New knickers, new whatever, more power to your elbow!. 💐💐💐.

@TangerinePlate - hello

So far most people have dropped H - a couple of brave souls tried talking to him and came away more confused than ever. So deep into his ego.

One of the first pieces of advice was that people will surprise you. There are some firmly not speaking to H and there are sane who keep the door open but have not been approached yet.

However your advice from one year down the line is very helpful. I am gaining a sense of perspective on how long this will take to play out. So I am not rushing anymore I am enjoying where I live for now - I always wanted to be here and I know that when the time comes my life will evolve into something else.

@Beaverbridge - he didn’t expect the outcome he got, he built a fantasy world in his mind where his life would not change. However the reality has come as a shock and he is living in denial.

In many ways the longer he takes to ‘wake up’ the better because I get to forge a new life and plan my future. It’s not one I wanted or expected and so I am taking my time to heal ( think that’s the word) and to give time to me.

At the end of the day we face winter and the Christmas period - this is likely to bring challenges for all of us but I am at least planning ( as I always did ) to ensure my time is filled with friends, family and fun.
This situation is making me slow down and learn that I really cannot control anything other than myself. A life lesson I should have learnt years ago.

A life lesson I should have learnt years ago.

Don't beat yourself up, as they say, @Gingerloaf . What he has done to you and your family should never have happened, remember that that is the reason you have learned this life lesson. Saying I wish I'd known years ago feels kinder to me than thinking you should have known

Hopefully anyone reading anything any of us write can absorb some of our post experience wisdom so they can be more aware that life might throw up unexpecteds and be a bit prepared and not so blindsided if and when it happens

@MillyCentTap - I am grateful for the advice of you and those woman who went before me. I spent today at an event that normally we attended together- every now and again he was there in my thoughts. I was thinking- why, why, why
The answer if - because he could does not cover it. He so pulled the pin out if a grenade none of us knew was sitting there

I do take comfort in the advice if that that’s say - it gets better, better things ahead
I just get hacked off whenever the actions of one person can totally upend the life of many - on whatever scale that happens in life. I am well aware that this happens and I shouldn’t still fail against it - the need for justice is strong and I know I won’t get justice, respect or closure ( still doesn’t make it right)

Thank you friend - your advice is invaluable but also I agree for those people out there giving their other half the side eye - it can happen to you so be prepared.

start your own thread,the help is here.

Thank you. I do wish there was a way to have a private thread because I’m not sure I’m strong enough for the negative/nasty comments that will most likely be posted.

@Gingerloaf I’m still being inspired by the way you’re handling this all. Bravo!

Delighted to read that you continue to quietly thrive and find a new equilibrium.

He is in an awful place I would imagine in his head, desperately trying to justify his actions while trying to figure out how the fxxk he exits this mess with any semblance of dignity, try and reestablish a relationship with his children while returning to the fold if he can swing it.

Your quiet contentment with the new status quo must be galling for him.

It really is so sad to read and hear about so many old fools whom do not realise how good they have it.
It is like a madness that hits them.

One common theme in all of these men is their self satisfaction with themselves.

It can be very satisfying to mess with this.
Whilst getting her ducks in a row having found out her husband was having an affair with a colleague, a tennis friend told a group of us she took great pleasure in quietly driving him mad with moving his stuff, hiding importand bits, giving to charity a couple of favourite pieces of clothing, ditto his two favourite clubs, constantly moving his keys, cutting up his credit card so he thought he lost it etc.
It didn't change anything, but it definitely gave her some satisfaction to see him stressed.
They are divorced now, but she never let on a hint that it was her.

@YorkshireTeaDance - perhaps front your message on your thread that ‘unless you have experienced this pain kindly F off’. Be assured when it happened on my thread there were people here who waded in and reminded idiots that I have the right to vent etc and there were a few apologies. Have faith

@Littys - I think he is in no man’s land. He is currently bouncing from crisis to crisis. He has not had the space I have had sitting here alone in the house ( with fabulous friends on the phone or MN) he did manage some time away after I rocked up and we talked. However during that time everything that could go wrong went wrong. It was like bad luck followed him. His contact with me was a roller coaster of emotions. So he asked for space and I gave it to him - he lasted less than 2 weeks before he needed to contact.

He knows he has massively messed up but won’t face it. He has told himself a story about how it all was and no doubt OW is helping to keep him there. What has she to look forward to if he leaves?? Her reputation is waning and no doubt people are asking awkward questions. It’s not an atmosphere I would like to live in.

The coming winter with family events and Xmas will be interesting- but the longer it goes on the further away from him I will be. Every day the habit of it just being me gets easier

I am also truly blessed with friends who check in - sometimes daily. Evenings are hard but I am learning a lot about myself and the calendar is full. Going to the cinema or theatre alone is ok. Food bills are down immensely. I have more flexibility with what I do. I have the righteous anger of people I don’t even know - and I can’t hear any snoring!!!

We could almost be twins with the similarities @Gingerloaf .

the need for justice is strong and I know I won’t get justice, respect or closure

Same. I am some years down the line but the one thing that still strongly fucks me off is that fact, but mine was also abusive and his actions had very serious consequences. At least mushroom man knows he fucked up, take whatever shreds of comfort you can from that. And that you have so many supportive friends and he doesn't.

It does get better though, you are still in very early days and look how far you've come already and how bloody mighty you are 💪😎. There will be days when you are swan like above water and paddling like a mad thing underneath but you'll start to notice the times when you don't have to work those feet quite so hard increasing. Eventually you'll be as serene underneath as you are on top with the occasional flick of a foot just to kick away a thought of him that comes into your head.

So many positives.
Of course he has to create a narrative that his appalling behaviour was justified.

In all your writing I do sense an underlying feeling from you about when he tries to return home to you, and how that will feel for you..a victory??
Maybe fleetingly but I think soon it will feel hollow.

It is not if but when this happens.
It will undoubtedly happen,..... but only when his upset and grief of what he has lost finally flattens him.
It could be before Christmas or it could be the Spring.

I would advise you to be very very careful when he does.
Be very careful of thinking you will have won.
Won what?
A vain nasty man that made a show of himself and your long marriage?
It can be tempting to take him back but in my experience it can lead to regret.
Huge regret that you publicly take him back and then realise that shit, YOU really are over him,..... and actually don't want him back in your life/home again.

I know of a couple of cases of this where women privately hugely regretted the reunion, and then hesitated because they dreaded the "drama" of another breakup. They did eventually divorce but felt they could have saved themselves huge additional stress if they hadn't allowed themselves be talked round.

So my point is WHEN it happens, take the win, such as it is, when he asks to come home, but think long and hard if you really do want him back.

Also, do not underestimate the difficulty it may cause in your circle of friends.
Some may pull away because even though they are very fond of you, they may judge him to be a tacky plonker and really don't want to resume socialising with you again as a couple.
This can even happen with very close friends and is very upsetting.

Sometimes people imagine a reunion to be straightforward and simply a matter between the couple, it often really isn't.
These situations cause surprising ripples.

My point is to quietly examine regularly where your head and thoughts are on the above, so that you are not blindsided by him and agree to anything on the back foot that you might regret.

Don't be tempted to agree to anything for your children either.

All your future actions need to be 100% centered on your wants, needs and thoughts of YOUR future.

Examine closely your emotions.
Do not allow him to move back in out of sympathy, as getting him out again would be very difficult.

I really hope you consider therapy for you to tease out where your head is at.

This has been a period of such drama for you that you can get caught up in waiting for the next incident or meeting with him. Not focusing on this period enough as a new reality for you, and your life, and what you want long term.

You may love your house etc., but do not take him back to keep it.
You WILL survive moving house.
Savour thinking only of yourself.
Do you really want to go back to putting him and his needs first?

When he leaves her, alternative housing will be an issue for him.
He may lead a discussion with this in mind, while still with her.
Do not underestimate his need to land on his feet being his priority.
Do not be pressured to provide a soft landing for him.
Anything you do going forward has to be in your interests only.

Just food for thought.

What I love about this thread is the way someone sends a very appropriate comment
@Littys - you are bang on today.

He realised he has messed up pretty early in - there were signs that the romantic holiday away was not good. He has fessed up to a few things - but my demeanour was rather unimpressed and when he said he didn’t really know her I really wanted to say ‘ no shit Sherlock’

I have regular CBT with a trusted person - who knows me well. We talk about dealing with H but also where I am - hence the train analogy. I am almost at my destination and he has yet to find the train station.

I try to reflect each day on the day - I notice that when I wake up it’s not my first thought. I can be in company or watching a film and for 90% of the time I am free if thinking about him. The unexpected trigger is something I deal with every day. Perhaps more so is the funny thing that happens and I want to turn to him and say ‘ you will never guess what’ - and that’s the time my stomach drops.

But it is getting better.

I ponder when he will return and if I will get a heads up beforehand.However, because I had to involve the police they have been very clear that if he rocks up here I ring for them and they arrest him. This seems like a waste of police resources to me - if the law was a bit more nuanced there may be easier ways to discuss things like returning to the marital home. So I have pondered scenarios and what I would do on the day. At the end of the day he has options, even if that is kiping at a friends house far away.

He has yet to undertake therapy / counselling and so it would be pointless to even try to reconcile- the time to have done that was ages ago but now he really is looking like the old man who hasn’t realised his time has passed.
As for the DS and DD - they said they would expect me not to take him back. One still contacts him but even they are being stretched in their patience. The blessing of it happening now is that they are old enough to see the situation for what it is.

I will move but we have only been here 2 years and I want to enjoy it whilst I can - and before the law takes 50% of my pension and give it to him. ( please can we not start the thread of ‘it’s the law / right thing to do’ I have a right to be pissed off at that especially as he opted out of any work pension because he knew better!!!)

As for friends and family - my parents in particular who have been so stressed with the events ( knowing some of the things that happened) would not entertain him anymore. They are good people who are normally very embracing of everyone - but this guy has burnt his bridges and put grenades on the ground where he stands. Reconciliation is highly unlikely and I constantly remind myself that.

But …. If you ask me would I feel a slight victory, yep I would like to see her swallow her teeth as she realises she played with fire
As for him - he will find another woman, he doesn’t look his age and to many he will be a catch. He did however pay a huge price that I think he still has not calculated. I would like him to look one last time at the woman he walked away from and think ……WTAF did I do? There will be no soft landing.

But once again a timely and very wise post - it’s good for me to read that and I hope it is of a help to others out there.

I regularly read Chump lady
I remember the phrase from the first thread - he is not my friend
I remember the pain and the hurt of things he said
I remember how he introduced me to her
I remember so much BUT I then try and focus on the next chapter and what it will look like.

Many thanks. X

Un surprised that you are well ahead.
Good to read.
Yep to the feeling of glee and to being rightly pissed off at the thought of him getting half your pension when he was such a lazy sod.

Have you looked into what you can gift your children from joint assets?

I only mention this because if there is no reunion between you too, he will undoubtedly be spending your pension securing another woman and your children may see diddly squat from him.

Apologies that I am such a bad minded biddy, but at my age I have seen and heard of most permutations where men badly let down their families and children and inheritances go awry, spent on new partners.

Some will say it is their choice but, when it is your children, and your father, it stings.

Perhaps a question for a HMRC expert!

Sounds like foosty fanny wasn't worth it. Oh dear, another wazzock thinking with his dick.

Your threads should be in Classics @Gingerloaf , you are a beacon in the storm to those who will come after you 🌸