No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

@Littys - again thanks - a few days after his announcement of his ‘seeing someone’ I got him to print out 2 copies of all accounts, investments etc Not sure if he worked out why ( I doubt it) if he has spent anything my solicitor is ready to adjust his side if the settlement agreement accordingly
His cheap solicitor has bolstered his bravery in the first few days re my pensions - but solicitors seem to be like shoes. Buy cheap and feel the pinch! I am actually weirdly at ease on the money front - except what the final hit will do to me. ( again dont derail
the thread on that ) but he won’t get as much as he thinks which I am happily keeping quiet about.

@PattiSmithsPattis - great name
The grass is apparently not greener on the other side —- and I am reliably informed by one of the tribe she is ‘as boring as fuck’ I do like it when people do not mince their words. And this person had known OW for over 20 years.

You are very kind re the thread - what makes it special is the humanity, experience and love displayed by so many that contribute. I sincerely hope it helps anyone who has any suspicions or is pitched headlong in to the special pit of shite that partner betrayal pushes them.

I wish I could speak so eloquently, your way with words has helped me more than you know. He's thrown away a great, strong and witty woman and he knows it!

@Diarygirlqueen - you are very kind.

I am curious as to why so many people suggest he knows what he has lost. This would require some self reflection on his behalf and an ability to see beyond his ego. You are perhaps granting him a greater benefit of the doubt than I can do.
Perhaps he misses his old life - no money worries, concerts, mad cap adventures, his kids, his friends etc By my word he’s taking his time to recognise it. All the more time for me to get back ti being myself!

This, this and this again.

Your threads should be in Classics , you are a beacon in the storm to those who will come after you 🌸

And this ❤

I think he probably does recognise it. But what's he going to do about it? So much water under the bridge he can't seriously think that he could just walk back in. And a failed attempt to come back would not go down well with his AP. In fact it would probably be the last straw. And then where would he be?

@Gingerloaf

You've used the grenade analogy a couple of times WRT him. It's always good to remember that upon explosion, the first thing a grenade destroys is itself. And so he has. He may have 'blown up' your world, but he has destroyed himself in the process. He is no longer the man you were married to, he is the remnants of that man. And because he will not acknowledge his faults in this, he will remain 'remnants'. And although you say he's good looking etc, yes, he may be able to attract a woman if things with OW go belly up, but would he be able to attract a good woman? I doubt it. And even if he did would he be able to 'keep' her? Most likely not. Because he doesn't recognize 'quality'. Chances are the remainder of his life will be a series of unsatisfactory relationships than don't last. And I have not one drop of pity for him. Nor should you.

You, on the other hand, have been busy 'putting your pieces back together again' and doing a damn fine job of it! You will emerge from this whole and with so many wonderful options as to how to spend the rest of your life. I'm sure you'll choose wisely and it will be great! Yes, you may emerge from the divorce with 'not as great' finances as you'd wish but I have a feeling that in the end you'll find it money well spent.

You go girl.

@AcrossthePond55 - wise words and thank you.

It is 39 years today since we met - a strange day and I notice that I am not distraught, not even very sad. I have noted the day and thought of the future. It is a lifetime of big and small events that have been ‘blown up’ and that’s what’s so sad. However, as time moves on I am stronger and more at peace. Not there completely but getting there.
Please can we not pile in and say I shouldn’t think of it / will have many anniversaries to get through - I know that, I merely mention it as a significant moment to me and an interesting step into the next chapter.

In the meantime H and OW are playing the victims in this whole sorry mess and it’s hilarious. The tribe made a move a few days ago and the OW has turned it on its head and now suggests I am saying things I shouldn’t - as if she is the victim. It is quite breathtaking how people who play with fire then complain that their fingers got burnt????

SHE is complaining. The irony meter has just exploded ...

The tribe made a move a few days ago and the OW has turned it on its head and now suggests I am saying things I shouldn’t - as if she is the victim. It is quite breathtaking how people who play with fire then complain that their fingers got burnt????

I am so pleased that you have this kind of support - I am a bit envious! Why would she think she has any right to pass comment about what you say or don’t say? She must be as deluded as your STBXH.

Excuse me while I find the world’s smallest violin. Nope, can’t be arsed but the irony is not lost. Victim indeed! Was she a victim of an errant knave? Methinks she doth protest too loud. Nobody will buy that , that’s for sure!
like some kind of scammer was he? Well his dick certainly managed to get through her firewall without much trouble. Oops poor me I just fell into bed with your husband and now nobody is talking to me and everyone thinks I’m an old slut … for shame! Do they not realise my sacrifice? I gave up my budgie’s peace for that man , I was forced to take him on holiday against his will, I was made to look a fool with my toy boy, we don’t even like each other really .
Please, I may actually vomit.
in other news remember the date and as you get stronger you will also get perspective on the good times you enjoyed together. The homes you built, the children you made and nurtured. The life you shared. They will never have that heritage, there’s the sweetest revenge. You will grow and move on. They will be left wondering what the fuck happened. Such a shame.
well, if you ask me they deserve one another and you deserve happiness, love, respect and appreciation. I know who the real victim is and she holds her head high!

Came across a wonderful poem today which feels apt on this thread

Rise
Don’t get angry
or enraged
or insulted
Rise above the bullshit.
Flick your light back on,
And shine it brighter than ever,
and fall so deeply in love
with your own life,
That anyone who tried to wrong you
Becomes a laughable, ridiculous
distant memory .

Beautiful- I know it is for ginger but I needed to read that too. Thank you

Oh my, how does she have the gall to play the victim and complain about anything you have said. So deluded.
When my ex had an affair, I used to suggest OW had a problem with her hips, when she took her knickers off her legs fell open 😳
Not kind I know but I had been left in a terrible situation with 3 very young children and debts he ran up.

😂
And why the hell should you be kind? I hope life has treated you better since then.

@LivelyMintViper - hahaha the irony meter. Absolutely- they have had weeks to think all is fine and now the consequences are landing.

@YorkshireTeaDance - she’s deflecting. The tribe focused on the married man point but she has taken a tiny slither of something and made out I am saying something unkind. But as @Legendarygincupboard has said no one is going to buy that. Or they may even say to her face - play stupid games, win stupid prizes

@Legendarygincupboard - I did guffaw on your post. Yep no consideration was given to me, my kids, our history at any point when she was throwing her knickers around and he was making her feel special. I still don’t think I have made them squirm enough - such behaviour should have some serious consequences attached.
The poem is beautiful and I will treasure it

@YorkshireTeaDance - we share everything here ( except husbands) and so please take that poem and let it help you in whatever is going on in your world. We are here for you x

A lovely candlelight bath as I remember the rather stunning teenager that I was and the fun I had. Now a little snifter from the booze cupboard to raise a glass to times gone by. This weekend I am out on the town with sooooo many friends I intend to resurrect that slightly naughty young woman and enjoy my life. Every day is a blessing - thank you everyone

@AdmittowearingCrocs - OW is rattled. She was called out by people to whom she had previously boasted about meeting someone new - she had even introduced H to so wood them ( they didn’t know he was married at that point) when they clocked who he was and that he was very much attached to gingerloaf - the fury rose. So she now knows that he secret is out and she’s deflecting away as her reputation is shredded

People say to ‘keep your dignity’ and what have you but really a little bit of revenge / Come upance is required to keep the balance

Thank you one and all - you make me laugh and you give me strength x

we share everything here ( except husbands) and so please take that poem and let it help you in whatever is going on in your world. We are here for you x

Thank you so much - I’ve saved the poem to look at over and over again when I feel weak or insignificant. I’m currently looking after my father post-surgery so haven’t done any snooping but I do have access to his phone and computer when at home. I have started thinking about ducks in rows and have quickly realised I would currently be unable to support myself due to my own health and caring responsibilities and it’s important to change that ASAP. Even if there is nothing to find (doubtful) having a Plan B will make a huge difference to my own state of mind xx

@YorkshireTeaDance - I have had a snifter so I hope I don’t step out of line when I say - you deserve better, don’t let your circumstances hold you back. I am sure you have some good friends IRL - use them. Get the evidence - I hope you are wrong and that if you speak to your DH or whoever it is, that it is a wake up call for them to treat you better then you are currently getting. I made the mistake of letting things go, thinking he was poorly / depressed - I regret I didn’t just call it out
But you know your circumstances- take time for you to think it through before you act, but dont take too long and be sure of your facts. Please read the script that was on my first thread - and is on many others

Know how these buggers act and react - be prepared!
You absolutely can do this - true friends will come to your aid and will stun you with their support
Wishing you all the very best x

Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️

I did confront him some months ago when I felt certain behaviour was inappropriate and that our relationship was very low on his list of priorities. He completely denied certain things and apologised for his ‘alleged’ actions (re: not taken responsibility for the actions but was sorry for how I felt, misguided as I was 🙄). Since the conversation he’s improved his behaviour towards me and our relationship quite a bit. I do think the talk shook him up.

Confronting him without undeniable evidence was a mistake though as I now feel he has found ways to hide things better.

@YorkshireTeaDance - look up cognitive dissonance. Look up signs of an affair - the script is good. I truly hope you are wrong but trust your gut

Thank you. I have looked quite a bit into affair signs and have found no undeniable evidence but have had a strong gut feeling for a while now. I haven’t heard of cognitive dissonance in regards to a relationship but am reading up on it now!

So glad to see you back and as ass kicking as ever.

Your threads should be standard reading for any woman who finds herself in the same situation, they're full of such wonderful advice and support from fabulous women, and you have handled the whole messy situation so incredibly well.

Im just going through a terrible breakup from a very long relationship.
Ginger’s thread is so inspiring.
This poem is massively helpful too.
Thank you both.
Good luck.,

I love the words in that poem, It talks of dignity and hope. It is too easy to spiral into petty spite and vengeful actions when we are feeling cornered and destroyed by the one person who should have had our back, but rise above it and thrive on the higher ground of quiet dignity and self- preservation. Find your inner treasure. Leave the fates to work it out for them - they are not worth the energy and bitterness. You on the other hand can rediscover your unique and wondrous self and when the dust settles you will find long term peace of mind and joy will return. You are so much better than vengeance and its short-lived thrill. Poking that wasps nest Will ultimately get you stung.
The one thing I was proud of was that despite my areshole of an ex, my determination to maintain civility enabled my boys to navigate their lives with a relationship with their dad. He was an awful husband ( still is!) but a decent father. They saw his actions but have chosen monogamous, happy marriages for themselves. I can still despise her for destroying two families ( wouldn’t spit on her if she was on fire) but my smile and generosity of spirit continue to unnerve her even now. 25 years later she can’t give me eye contact and they, whilst still together, are miserable in each others company. I look at him and think why ever did we get together? Meanwhile I have huge joy in my life, a wonderful second husband who has shown me more love than I’ve ever known and whom I adore, extended family, grandchildren, friends, and experiences that fill my cup daily. It gets so much better.
what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
good luck to all who are in the early painful stages of separation and divorce. Rise!

OP if I am right you met in 1985? I think we may be a similar age. I can remember it well that year. I’d just turned 16 and was so in love. The boy in question is now still a good friend. We have been through a lot.
To think if we had stayed together since then, built a home and a family, and had all that shared history as a married couple and for him to have walked out, I have some perspective now of the time invested.
What an absolute fool.
My thoughts are with you.