Blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

So my ‘DH’ has been grumpy for a few weeks but says it’s my fault.
Today - out of the blue he tells me he has been seeing someone for 2 months. I had no idea - I told him to leave which he has done
Packed his bags leisurely and left

We have been married for over 25 years. Kids grown up etc

I have seen advice on here before and never in a million years thought I would need it - but suddenly it’s me that has this news. I understand also why previous posters don’t give too many details because for some weird reason she may be on here ( daft thought but there you go) and yes I have name changed

Your advice on the matter is very welcome
I can’t remember but somewhere on here someone referred to a ‘script’ that people use when they leave or are getting ready to leave - I would be interested to see it if anyone has it
I think I have been arch manipulated by ‘DH’

Thanks for reading

Sorry this has happened to you.
The script consists of them lying, denying and blaming you. They rewrite history to condone to themselves what they've done

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script?page=1www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script?page=1

I'm very sorry. What the financial situation? Are you financially independent?

The script is where they rewrite history, blame you for the affair etc

If I were you I'd get prompt legal advice from a good family law solicitor.

You might find Chump Lady and the forum Surviving Infidelity helpful.

Two months, yeah right. It sounds like he's quite relaxed about it so has probably been preparing to leave you for a while. Get as much paperwork together as you can and see a solicitor (recommendation if possible) as soon as you can. Mine tried to hide paperwork so he could take even more money from me than he had already.

Be prepared for him never to utter a truth to you again.

They really are fucking weasles. I'm sorry you're going through this @Gingerloaf

Another one?!!
They are so bloody predictable
The script link is above
Yes, chump lady website and book.
Read the Vikki Stark books, and her website on Abandoned wives.
See a lawyer and her their advice. Agree a settlement while he feels guilty.

I'd be changing the locks and having a glass of wine.
Do so e reading and make a list of everything you need to do to extricate yourself from him.

I'm very sorry, op. What a horrendous shock. If I were you, I would see a solicitor as soon as possible. You need to know what your next steps should be if you decide to divorce your husband. I would also make an appointment with a therapist if you are able to. You might need help in dealing with the aftermath of his little "announcement." I would also be very careful as to what, if anything, I told my children, even though they are adults.

Give yourself some breathing space. And grab as much advice as possible. He has had 2 months to prepare. You have just had it dumped on you without warning.

You put yourself first from now. Nothing he says or does will be for your benefit whatever he says. Secure all the finances, including from any joint accounts. Don't spend it, just shift it so he can't spend it. Ask around for a good divorce lawyer recommendation.

Tell everyone so you are in charge of the narrative, you have nothing to hide, he does.

He chose this, you didn't, but you can take control of it and keep the upper hand. You are stronger than you know. Things will get rough, but hang in there, it is worth it. A new, brighter life awaits you.

Nearly seven years for me, and my life is really good. I am much happier and no longer dread the future.

Take him for everything you are legally entitled to.

Yes to controlling the narrative as @unsync says.
"Mr Gingerloaf has chosen to leave his family"
"Mr Gingerloaf has been having an affair"
"Mr Gingerloaf has ended our marriage"
Don't let him perpetuate the mutually agreed separation shit.

I am so so sorry this has happened to you. What a disgusting scumbag.

Do you have access to finances? Are there any grown up children on the scene?

Have you got a friend you can call?

Have you got any joint accounts? I would take out my half asap

Thank you so much for the messages
sorry I took a while - I was dumping some of his stuff in one of the outhouses

The script is fitting - the past few weeks I have been described as aggressive, unloving, bossy you name it
Joint account and will sort
main bread winner and most finances comes from me
just googling solicitors
told both kids who think he’s having a mid life crisis and are very angry with him
wine open

Its only when you look back that you see the red flags - getting back late and saying he bumped into so and so and they went for coffee ( what a mug I feel like)

I have to say MN colleagues I have sometimes offered support to one and all here and to be on the receiving end is truly a blessing
I thank you all - and would advise everyone to be on their guard because as my friend has said this is so out of the blue

So sorry, @Gingerloaf

There are so many of these horrible men.

Get the money sorted out pronto, before he grabs too much of it.

Be prepared for him to ride roughshod over your feelings from now on.

Has he told the children that he's "having a mid-life crisis"? Because that sounds just like The Script.

@TheShellBeach - no I rang both adult kids because I wanted to have control of the narrative
one said he must be having a midlife crisis be this is weird etc etc

I have a list to sort I am currently looking forward to her finding out how his snoring can be heard through walls etc

Relatively calm and getting my ducks in order

You got this OP - you really do.
well done for telling him to get out and not listening to any more crap. Now you have to get ducks in a row, and when the fool comes back in a few weeks - keep the door bolted

If you’re relatively calm, get prepared. Do it now before he comes grovelling and telling you how sorry he is and you feel bad for him etc then he’ll get angry and try and blind side you, try and get appointments sorted, sort finances out, find paperwork you will need. You’ve got this

@Rooroobear - thank you

I'm sorry, OP. But be proud that you've stood up for yourself, told him to go and are getting things in order to protect yourself.

I'm so sorry you're going through this...
Over the coming weeks/months, focus on your own needs only. Your self care, wants, needs, desires, hobbies, passions, grieving, healing... Just focus on only you and whatever it is you need on any given day.
You will come out the other side so much stronger.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side so be fully prepared for him to try weasel his way back in. Be strong. There may be times you really miss him and feel absolutely lost. But on those days, remind yourself of how he blindsided you and betrayed you in the worst possible way. How he threw away all those years of marriage for someone else. He will realise one day he is the one that's lost here...
Take control of the things you can control, and work on moving forward. You were forced into this situation, but you can and will get through it.
Lean on loved ones for support also. Sending love 💕

Something very similar happened to my cousin, her ex no longer has any contact with his children, their decision. She seems a lot happier now than she did when she was married.

There's gold at the end of the rainbow.

If he has gone to a hotel / friend / his parents, he will try to get the OW to let him move in with her. If she says no, expect him to come crawling back for a "reconciliation" in a few weeks.
Don't fall for it - it will be the comfort of home he is missing, not you.

If he has moved straight in with OW, she will regret it and you are allowed to be smug when it all falls apart.

No rainbow without rain!
You got a point there.

You sound calm and brave. He's a dick.