Hello,
I would be very grateful for any feedback on this, and I will try to be as fair and honest as possible so that it is not one sided.
To set the scene..I recently got engaged to a man, I am 30 and he is 11 years older than me. I am pregnant with our first child and we have been together a year. Granted things moved quickly, however we worked together and spent a lot of time with each other which meant we sped up that process of connection.
He has always been a very passionate poker player, he absolutely adores it, he could talk about it for hours, he watches poker videos in his spare time, he has spent periods of his life playing for hours online making enough to keep himself afloat, played tournaments and one some larger amounts and lost some. If he could he would be in the casino playing every single day and night, he's totally obsessed.
I see Poker involves a lot of skill and I understand why his mind is good at it and he enjoys it, but the gambling aspect, the highs and the lows, the late hours all of this gives me a slight uneasy feeling and raises a few red flags.
When we first started dating, I was very clear and said that I really liked him but that having come from an unstable relationship in the past, where by I dealt with 3 years of severe addiction, that I was really a bit worried about this part fo his life. (This I think also feeds into why I feel so uneasy now)
Eventually further along, we together set some ground rules, this was to protect him and also myself - the highs would not be so high but the lows would not be so low.
I felt he did a lot better with structure and in a weird way he seemed sort of relieved to have someone who loved him and cared enough to help him set some boundries.
The boundries were that he would bring £200 in cash, to play the 1:2 game and that he would play in a way that meant he built up this stack, however if after a few hours he had lost the £200 then he called it a night and came home. He also stopped drinking so much and began playing really sensible and he said he was having a better time, no more arguments at the table and he felt more balanced - amazing news!
I always listen to his tales of the game (which can last a LONG time) despite really having little interest, I listen because I care about him and feel it's another way of being loving, taking time to engage and listen.
Over time he has loosened himself from these boundries and started playing a higher game, he would start talking about how he needed one good night, angry when he would lose, moping after certain nights. He would come home at 4am, this would wake me up and often I struggled to get back to sleep. The broken sleep was affecting me, especially due to the pregnancy. When I went to stay at my mums for a night, despite thinking he may still be sensible, he stayed out all night and at midday the next day was heading home, totally wired. This really unsettled me.
He would start betting way more than what we had agreed, as his bank statements would show, which I saw when we were applying for our mortgage and it seemed he had totally gone against his word. We thought we would lose the mortgage (we didn't luckily) and he was spiralling. I thought this would be a wake up call, he promised to not take his bank card, he left it here in the drawer, but then he realised he could use apple pay and again the rules seemed to bend.
A few weeks ago he lost £800, a week ago £700..and as I said his bank statements show him spending way more than he said he would. It makes me feel sick because I am 6 months pregnant and not working, plus we have so many important things we need to buy for the baby, for moving house, to live off.
He is paying for the purchase of the house, he has a rich parent who is helping him and money from another property his parent bought for him, so he is blessed in having funds available. This is noted though in how he wants the pre-nup to look and although he would end up giving me £60k or so if we end up divorcing, he has made it clear that he wants his other inheritance protected. Again, I understand and I have been the one sorting this (along with everything house related) but since finding out that he has broken his word and trust towards me again I feel lost, resentful and as if I am not really protected moving foreward in the relationship and marriage.
He is generous towards me, he pays for our meals out, since finding out I was pregnant I moved into his flat (his mum no longer charges him rent) but he cover the bills and has never asked me for any money towards it. I pay for groceries, I cook all the meals, I do all the laundry and am very giving with how I care for him and support him. He has been great most of the time in relation to the pregnancy and he is a sweet heart and we get on really well.
I had an anxiety attack recently because I suddenly felt terrified that our future would be overshadowed by his obsession with poker, I have tried to be understanding, learn the rules, show interest, I have respected his skills, however his ability to bend the truth and lack of remorse, until we've had a big row and I am crying about it, when he then 'gets my point' just feels gut wrenching. He tells me I am being dramatic, and explains he has never not payed a bill and never got himself into any debt. I guess I just feel that money he wastes on poker could be put into our babies saving account, go towards future nursery fees, pay for a family holiday..I mean I get he loves his hobby but it feels as though it takes up a lot of space in our relationship and that he is selfish to think that he deserves this special right to his hobby as and when he wants. I can't even imagine taking out a Yoga membership for £300 a month, let alone 3-4 times a week...granted the whole point is he can win some back, but it just it all feels a bit much.
I guess I feel resentful towards him and I just wonder if it's possible to have a balanced life with Poker as part of it. He has sworn now that he will never lie again, that he will go back to £200 a session and on a slower game.
I just feel exhausted by it, am I over-reacting? Should I just trust him and let him prove himself and then go from there? I don't know what the other option is really, we will have a baby soon and I don't want to end the relationship now.
Sorry this is a very long post, and thank you if anyone actually reads and responds.
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