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Original poster

Why is ex husband angry all the time, yet he married OW?

367 replies

pinkslippers2023 · 29/12/2023 19:02

Ex husband left me for OW. Married her and had two more children. Needless to say, the end of a long marriage was painful in the extreme, but it was 7 years ago now and I'm totally out the other side and very happy with my life.
That said, the ex husband seems to be full of rage towards me for some weird reason, considering it was HE who had the affair and left the family. He makes snidey comments to our kids about me and if I bump into him in the local area, he literally grimaces and looks like he'd like to rip my head off!
What the hell could be going on?

OP posts:
happyasaseagullstealingchips · 29/12/2023 19:58

He blamed you, you were the reason he was unhappy, all your fault, he moved on and still isn't happy. He's realised in all reality he'll never be happy he always wants more. He sees you happy and confident without him and it burns, returns to all your fault cycle.

gocompare · 29/12/2023 19:59

Pretying · 29/12/2023 19:55

Men always blame women for their poor choices.

Always. I am the bitter ex wife still scrounging for everything I can get.

Reality - the CMS have just chased him up finally and offered him a no win no fee resolution. Ie pay your fucking debt or we will look into actually what you really earn.

He left me almost bankrupt but I clawed my way out thanks to this site about ten years ago.

Always someone else's fault lol

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 29/12/2023 19:59

I'm totally out the other side and very happy with my life.
this is the reason. He is angry because he has started again. And what man would have chosen that for himself? That was the ow’s decisión, clearly. He had a lifetime of small children for a second time. You, on the other hand, have freedom and choices.

cigarettesNalcohol · 29/12/2023 20:00

He hates women

bozzabollix · 29/12/2023 20:01

I have a friend who is the sweetest person on this planet. Her ex cheated on her but to justify it he’s told himself she was the one to blame. Think there’s a bit of that here.

As for the new wife getting jealous. Course she should, how can she trust him?

Yert · 29/12/2023 20:01

Probably wondering what the fuck he has done having 2 more kids.

2024anotheryear · 29/12/2023 20:01

LaurieFairyCake · 29/12/2023 19:19

Agree with find him amusing

I'd be much more childish though - I'd pretend faux concern and ask him how his male menopause was going Grin

He's angry for all of the reasons stated plus one other - YOUR kids are adults and YOU are FREE - he's still parenting young children 😂

Make sure you swan about as much as possible with a big grin and really wind the fucker up

This with bells on. He's realised who gained the most from your split long term and it certainly wasn't him.

squeekyturkey · 29/12/2023 20:05

That's your answer. He's knee deep in toddler chaos and you prob have a more care free life and he knows it. Anyone who goes back to nappies when their kids are grown are glutting. Maybe he's raging you didn't fight for him more 😭

HamBone · 29/12/2023 20:09

happyasaseagullstealingchips · 29/12/2023 19:58

He blamed you, you were the reason he was unhappy, all your fault, he moved on and still isn't happy. He's realised in all reality he'll never be happy he always wants more. He sees you happy and confident without him and it burns, returns to all your fault cycle.

I suspect that might be at the core of it, @happyasaseagullstealingchips he’s basically not a happy person and looking for someone to blame.

One of my friends has a similar situation with her ex-husband. He left her and they’ve been apart for over a decade (almost as long as they were married). But he still seems to hate her, even though he’s remarried. It’s truly bizarre, they only need to communicate re. their youngest child now and that’s only for another three years. Yet he can’t stop sending her insulting texts and emails telling her that she’s a loser.

I suspect that he can’t stand the fact that she’s the polar opposite and doesn’t give a fig about him now. She has plenty of friends, is financially independent, bought him out of the house and has made it really nice, etc.

wombats78 · 29/12/2023 20:15

Happy New Year, OP.

Best thing, you don't need to fix him anymore. It would be interesting to know...but not worth the headspace...

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 29/12/2023 20:17

Who knows, but he's now a bitter, angry man and you're happy with life. You won.

MikeRafone · 29/12/2023 20:17

Mywhoopdeedoo · 29/12/2023 19:03

He knows he made a massive mistake

This ^

I had similar, ex had affair, I found out and we split up. I moved on, made a good life for myself and put it all behind me - apart from the dc. Ex was bitter and spent time bad mouthing me to dc and bad mouthing me to subsequent girlfriends/wives (he has now had 4 wives) His one dc walked out one xmas as he bad mouthed me to everyone and shed had enough - this was 10 years after we split..

Workworkandmoreworknow · 29/12/2023 20:20

My ex is the same. In my opinion, people who have affairs are looking to get away from some thing that they mistakenly believe is their spouse. Reality is they are the problem, and the problem therefore just moves with them.

So when they look back, you appear happy, relaxed and problem-free and they just can't understand why. Hence the hate, 'cos you're OK, you 'won'.

HamBone · 29/12/2023 20:22

Reality is they are the problem, and the problem therefore just moves with them. Exactly this!

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 20:23

Transference…I’ve seen this a few times. Here’s the running order:

  1. DH gets bored with monotony of long-term relationship
  2. DH starts flirting with other women, emotionally withdraws from his wife and finally plays away but tells himself it’s because he’s not getting what he deserves at home/ intimacy has gone/insert excuse that justifies his dickwad behaviour to himself
  3. Subconciously realises he can’t do this forever
  4. Turns an OW into ‘new love of his life’ in order to justify leaving and luckily providing another relationship to walk into. You can’t help who you fall in love with, right?
  5. Feels guilty because knows deep down that it’s all hogwash and that none of the excuses he used to justify hurting someone he once cared for are real.
  6. Worries deep down that others have also judged him for his behaviour.
  7. Accepts he was a dickhead who caused a lot of damage but makes the best of it, tries to make amends to those he hurt and create a new, positive, adult relationship with them. Sorry, don’t know what came over me there - obviously, doubles down on the blame game, stews on all the things his ExW did in the relationship that drove him into the arms of other women until she’s fully demonised, so in his head he can be the hard done by one who broke free and found a better relationship with someone who doesn’t treat him as poorly.
  8. Sees said ExW thriving without him, which breaks the last of his illusions (that she would be a shattered wreck without him, that she was the broken one who was dragging him down and the sole reason why he had to leave). To cover his fear and shame at what he knows is the real truth, he feeds them into anger, anger against the one who he now squarely blames for all of his actions over the preceding years.

I mean, I could be WAY off base here. Maybe he erroneously thinks you cheated on him when you were together or lied to him about something terrible or some other misconception and has been nursing his grievance for years…or maybe he is just going through the cheater’s justification cycle.

EDIT: This also goes for the wife, if she’s the cheater - it’s obviously not just husbands that cheat. I used it as this was the example here.

TheAverageJoanne · 29/12/2023 20:23

compactopera · 29/12/2023 19:08

Why do you care?

It's not necessary to care in order to be curious.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 29/12/2023 20:24

He made the bad choice so he is frustrated with himself. You’ve moved and you’re happy, he’s stuck with OW now, which he regrets. He’s a cunt 🤷🏼‍♀️

SaucepanRattle · 29/12/2023 20:25

Wildhorses2244 · 29/12/2023 19:15

My guess would be that OW is massively insecure because she knows he cheats and knows that when she settled down with him she created a vacancy.

The nicer he is to you, the harder his home life is, because she’s suspicious that you’ll sleep with him to get your own back. So he’s a dick to you to prove that he doesn’t fancy you.

That vacancy comment is so true. Why don't OW ever understand that if he cheated with you he's clearly capable of cheating on you.

VivaVivaa · 29/12/2023 20:25

Imagine getting to (presumably) your 50s with your health intact, financially okay, grown up kids and retirement on the horizon…then boom, someone hands your two toddlers.

I think I’d be screaming at random people in the supermarket as well tbh Grin

LaPalmaLlama · 29/12/2023 20:26

VivaVivaa · 29/12/2023 20:25

Imagine getting to (presumably) your 50s with your health intact, financially okay, grown up kids and retirement on the horizon…then boom, someone hands your two toddlers.

I think I’d be screaming at random people in the supermarket as well tbh Grin

This 💯

Purplewarrior · 29/12/2023 20:29

I split with XH 12 years ago after he beat the shit out of me in front of our DC.

He remarried about five years ago, moved into new wife’s house and is now completely enmeshed in her very large extended family. He absolutely hates his job and has put on about five stone.

I am very happily single, own a lovely little house and have a job I love.

I bumped into him in a supermarket car park a couple of months ago and he absolutely launched into me about how “I fucking ruined his life”

I guess it’s always our fault 😂

NonPlayerCharacter · 29/12/2023 20:31

When he first got with a younger woman, he probably felt manly but now I expect he just feels old, and nothing has actually changed as he's on the exact same life path as he was with you, but he's much older and less equipped and has his first family to complicate things.

He's angry about his poor decisions and how he's right back where he was, only 25 years older. And he's displacing it on to you.

Usernamechange1234 · 29/12/2023 20:32

Many reasons, I can imagine it’s a combination of a few of them.

a) grass not greener
b) to maintain his self image of the ‘nice guy‘ he vilified you to support his cognitive dissonance when having his affair
c) jealousy around your relationships with your children and your lifestyle
d) a realisation that his new relationship hasn’t brought him the happiness he thought he deserved, he’s still a broken void and he’s just lashing out

Whatever his issues are he’s quite clearly unsafe even for the new wife and I think she’s probably right to be worried.

Enjoy your life without this idiot and chuckle to yourself at how utterly pathetic he still is!

In many MANY ways it appears you won a battle you didn’t even know you were in!

Josette77 · 29/12/2023 20:32

He's angry because he's miserable and regrets leaving you.

He has to be the victim though, so he blames you.

He's an asshole and I'm so glad you are no longer with him.

He'll probably never be happy, but you are. 💖

Lookingafteraplant · 29/12/2023 20:32

You just want us all to say he’s really unhappy and made a bad choice. Perhaps. Or perhaps he just really hates you 🤷🏼