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Original poster

Why is ex husband angry all the time, yet he married OW?

367 replies

pinkslippers2023 · 29/12/2023 19:02

Ex husband left me for OW. Married her and had two more children. Needless to say, the end of a long marriage was painful in the extreme, but it was 7 years ago now and I'm totally out the other side and very happy with my life.
That said, the ex husband seems to be full of rage towards me for some weird reason, considering it was HE who had the affair and left the family. He makes snidey comments to our kids about me and if I bump into him in the local area, he literally grimaces and looks like he'd like to rip my head off!
What the hell could be going on?

OP posts:
ChihuahuasREvil · 30/12/2023 12:20

The problem with dicks is that they can’t think beyond ejaculation. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

JFDIYOLO · 30/12/2023 12:20

I hope the overwhelming support and united message you've got here answer your question about his behaviour - being subjected to verbal abuse in a supermarket is shakening, and of course it made you question why he did that.

The answer is a complex mix of guilt, referred blame, exhaustion, regret, unhappiness, financially trapped, rage at your happy contentedness - and because he cannot BEAR the thought that he brought it all on himself, he's suffering and the pressure has to find a vent somehow.

With weddings on the horizon, are they likely to be invited? Incidentally, is he contributing to them? She'll HATE that.

I'd go with Michelle Obama, who said when they go low, we go high.

Have a persona you perform whenever you're around him/them; polite, pleasant, civilised and businesslike. Be the contrast with his behaviour, whatever the provocation.

Enjoy yourself!

Winter3000 · 30/12/2023 12:23

I wouldn't bother bending over backwards to be nice to that twat.
I'd just go grey rock and ignore the fucker.

porridgeisbae · 30/12/2023 12:25

He has to act like you're somehow evil, to try and excuse/obscure the fact that what he did to you in cheating etc wasn't ok.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 30/12/2023 12:31

I think context is everything. Not saying this is OP, but just to show a different angle.

I hate my exH. No cheating. Just an awful man, although he's a narcissist so would tell you how I was the problem. I divorced him.

Knowing what he did, and what that did to me. Knowing what he caused me. Knowing I hate him for it. He would know I damn well never want to see his face again. If he then saw me in a supermarket, came over to me, and smirked "Hello" then I most like would say "get away from me" out of shock and anger at the audacity of him.

He would then take every opportunity to recount that to people as how crazy me hissed at him in the supermarket when he was merely being a decent gentleman. How jealous I must be. So bitter. Another example of how impossible I was, poor him being married to that for so long....etc etc.

4StoneToLose · 30/12/2023 12:33

Such good responses on here OP!

Definitely bitter and miserable at his stupid life choices!

FreeRider · 30/12/2023 12:33

Yep as @porridgeisbae said, even if the divorce was amicable, in his eyes you are the one who has made him look 'bad' to his existing children, his parents, friends etc...even though he deserves to! In his mind if you hadn't been such a 'bad' wife he wouldn't have had the affair, etc...

He such a cliche (looking at my own father). His type never blame themselves for the mess they get into, it's always someone else's fault. I'd try to find it funny, he's still making an ass of himself.

ChanelNo19EDT · 30/12/2023 12:40

Agree, have enjoyed reading these responses. The projection goes both ways. I had to wake myself up about five years ago. I realised that as I'd recovered, I had projected detachment and objectivity on to him. As I had recovered and become more detached from the experience of such a bad relationship, I projected the exact same detachment on to him, and it was such a shock when he reacted in a way that may me see that he was still just as mired in bitterness, hatred and blame as he had been over a decade earlier. He is locked in to blaming me for the way his life has turned out.

Wildhorses2244 · 30/12/2023 12:51

In the supermarket encounter did you by any chance ask "and how are your delightful kids? 3 and 5 was such a nice age - so full of enthusiasm, energy and cheekiness - I bet you're cherishing every minute of it"?

That'll be why he growled at you!

ChanelNo19EDT · 30/12/2023 12:54

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn how long ago did you split? I get it, as my situation sounds more similar to yours than to the majority experience here (ie abusive x that is, not a normal x ticking along before discovering a shocking affair).

At one stage in my recovery I was like this around him too, to protect myself. I think it was also because he used to stonewall me/gaslight me by acting normal when I tried to raise something. (If I persisted he'd get really angry so either way he shut down conversation)

But when I got to the point where his treatment of me no longer mattered, I let it go so completely that it makes him see red.

For a stage in the aftermath of a narc relationship, anger does protect you especially if you're a decent person. You're either yourself (which is certain levels of being accommodating, generous, empathetic, considerate et cetera) in which case you're in danger around a narc x, so your anger protects you from your own personality which before you heal properly would see you guilted and obligated and manipulated.

But these cheating men were never in any danger of being exploited by their ex wives!

ChanelNo19EDT · 30/12/2023 13:00

pinkslippers2023 · 30/12/2023 11:06

I'm laughing so hard at these comments!
He missed our grown up child's graduation because he 'had to' go to Peppa Pig world instead.
This has become an in house joke now !

omg that is hilarious. Sorry for your child who heard this ridiculous reason for not attending but wow

ChihuahuasREvil · 30/12/2023 13:07

OP, how involved was he with parenting your DC when they were small? Did he mostly opt out/absent himself, and leave you to do most or all of the parenting, and now he’s having to parent his new DC and feels cheated? Maybe he thought having more kids would be a doddle, like it was the first time?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2023 13:11

pinkslippers2023 · 30/12/2023 11:09

New wife is 19 years younger and from Asia. Newish to the UK.

Oh dear, he really has caught a cold on this hasn't he?

No doubt he felt like cock of the north with his shiny new trophy bride, but 56 is a hell of an age to start again with toddlers so it'll all look a bit different now - and you moving on positively will be the final insult. Didn't you know you were supposed to fall to pieces without him, so one day he could come crawling back and pretend to be the rescuer?

ChanelNo19EDT · 30/12/2023 13:16

She will probably divorce him just before he retires too.

Ofcourseshecan · 30/12/2023 13:35

Sorry, OP. I can’t help laughing at this, as long as you’re happy now. And I hope those little children are all right.

What an idiot. How did he not foresee this very obvious outcome? Really? Even knowing how men like that think with their dicks — I can’t get my head around how they go ahead and blunder into it. Goodbye to his golden years, and whoopeeee, the teens are just around the corner!

PinkCandles · 30/12/2023 16:02

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2023 13:11

Oh dear, he really has caught a cold on this hasn't he?

No doubt he felt like cock of the north with his shiny new trophy bride, but 56 is a hell of an age to start again with toddlers so it'll all look a bit different now - and you moving on positively will be the final insult. Didn't you know you were supposed to fall to pieces without him, so one day he could come crawling back and pretend to be the rescuer?

Show quote history

Well put! 😀

PinkCandles · 30/12/2023 16:05

Winter3000 · 30/12/2023 12:23

I wouldn't bother bending over backwards to be nice to that twat.
I'd just go grey rock and ignore the fucker.

I agree

Lemonfoxtrot · 30/12/2023 16:48

Hatenewyear · 29/12/2023 22:24

Talk about hearing one side of the story!

DH’s ex hates me and I wasn’t even OW, she just treated me like it. She also claims to be so over him but never stops complaining years later. Sounds a bit like you OP!

If you’re genuinely so over it why are you still bothered? Move on.

I’m finding all these people trying to accuse OP of not being over her ex very amusing.

Theres no way you can read it this way. His behaviour jars so much because she is over him.

You can tell who all the OW were by reading this thread!

wombats78 · 30/12/2023 16:52

Someone on MN recommended Fisk on Netflix.

It is very well-observed and the last episode of the current series has this very scenario, it's very funny.

Usernamechange1234 · 30/12/2023 17:04

@Lemonfoxtrot can’t you just! It’s very funny! What prizes they won!

I used to work in a bar and listening to these men whinge about their current lives and the regret they felt about the past was a daily occurrence!

Lemonfoxtrot · 30/12/2023 17:21

@Usernamechange1234 its very reassuring to know they live to regret it. (I have an ex just like this, so perhaps I’m projecting the other way, tbf!)

reminds me of a single mum I knew who was also a GP. She said she would often see these blokes turn up with new partner for a vasectomy reversal. They looked like they were going to the gallows…she made sure she did everything she could to help!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2023 17:27

You can tell who all the OW were by reading this thread!

Can't you just - and as so often it's hard not to wonder if the "prizes" they won turned out to be all that in the end

TheaBrandt · 30/12/2023 17:35

They do whinge to other men. The ones at Dh cycling club do anyway. They were all pleased with themselves to have bagged thirty something ex athletes as second wives now they don’t get to cycle much or do anything fun as are right back in the soft play zone as they have a couple of toddlers each. Durrr.

CharlotteRumpling · 30/12/2023 17:36

OP is bothered because she would like her ex to be involved with her children and be there for their graduation and future marriages, as any woman in a long marriage would.

TrashedSofa · 30/12/2023 17:42

Yes, the people affecting not to understand why OP would care have over-egged the pudding. Not only has she had him spitting feathers at her in a supermarket, but there are obvious ongoing practical implications when the other parent of your children behaves like this.