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Original poster

Why is ex husband angry all the time, yet he married OW?

367 replies

pinkslippers2023 · 29/12/2023 19:02

Ex husband left me for OW. Married her and had two more children. Needless to say, the end of a long marriage was painful in the extreme, but it was 7 years ago now and I'm totally out the other side and very happy with my life.
That said, the ex husband seems to be full of rage towards me for some weird reason, considering it was HE who had the affair and left the family. He makes snidey comments to our kids about me and if I bump into him in the local area, he literally grimaces and looks like he'd like to rip my head off!
What the hell could be going on?

OP posts:
CanImakethisbetter · 30/12/2023 08:28

The people still trying to make out it’s the Op that has an issue.

If anyone I knew spoke to me like that in the supermarket for saying hello I would be wondering why they are so mad at me. Especially, if our previous relationship ended because they treated me badly. Be that a friend, old work colleague, ex, family member.

and this is what MN is for. To get opinions and to discuss things.

Some people are so desperate for first wives to be the issue when their ex husbands are shit parents or unhappy or rude or awful people/ partners

@pinkslippers2023 he has 2 toddlers. And as an older father is probably knackered. It may be a bit of jealousy. It maybe that he is knackered. Or having one of those days where we momentarily say dream about what it’s like to not have young kids. We all say dream about the things we do have and don’t have. And you may have just popped up at the wrong moment.

The whole reason I didn’t have anymore kids after my divorce is I didn’t want young kids again. Mine are old. One just into adulthood and one kid in mid teens. They are asleep. I am having a chilled morning, going shopping for perfume and lunch. Then we will cook and have dinner together. It’s lovely.

I can imagine if I spent this morning wrangling 2 toddlers after not much sleep, having to go to the supermarket to get back and continue to wrangle them and I saw my ex child free and relaxed, it might (at the wrong moment) spark some annoyance.

I wouldn’t be so rude though. A quick hello would and move on would be enough.

I love my kids. I wouldn’t do it again though. Maybe just chalk it up to that his reaction is about him not you and he was possible having a really hard day. Then forget it.

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/12/2023 08:30

The people still trying to make out it’s the Op that has an issue.

We have a zillion men on here these days and it's not because they want parenting advice or conversation.

NonSequentialRhubarb · 30/12/2023 08:33

I'm going to go against the grain and say he isn't necessarily jealous or regretful of losing you. He might be incredibly happy with OW and their kids and not regret anything.

But he might just be one of those arseholes who want their ex to be unhappy without them, and the fact you're doing fine infuriates him. He can't stand the hit to his ego that he left you and you coped fine.

TheaBrandt · 30/12/2023 08:53

Yes it’s like the film It’s Complicated. Read an article saying men are able to “go back” and live the second stage of life again by binning same age wife and starting a new family.

Physiologically this isn’t possible for women so we are forced to enter the third stage of life and get on with that. That is the healthy thing to do and suits you mentally and physically so we feel happier. The men won’t ever get to that stage now as they are stuck reliving the second stage.

I honestly have literal nightmares about being the mother of babies / young children again. I loved it at the time but the thought of going back fills me with horror. I cannot understand Tana Ramsay (shudder).

justasking111 · 30/12/2023 08:54

My husband was 50 when I found myself pregnant again. He at first was against it because he said he was too old to start again. Things were rocky for a few weeks. But then he settled down and was a great daddy.

The difference was I think we were financially in a good place, comfortable at parenting for a third time. Baby just slotted in. He was much more hands on having more free time.

I read once that a mans career peaks in his forties, health starts to be something that has to be nurtured. It's a finite pot, that gets to them.

swuahies · 30/12/2023 09:05

I'm in an identical situation OP.

First 2 years my exH was so remorseful, bent over backwards to help with DD, tip toed around trying not to upset me, hated himself for what he'd done etc etc

Then overnight he HATED me. Couldn't stand to be in my presence at parents nights etc. Wouldn't even make eye contact or say hi at pick-ups/drop-offs. This has now lasted 10 years

I couldn't work out what I'd done or why the sudden change. Was having therapy a few years ago and my therapist said "sounds like he initially felt guilty and hated himself for the breakdown of the marriage and impact on dc. Only way for him to stop blaming himself is to blame you. He's transferring the blame to you by turning you into the bad/unreasonable one to allow him to move on. It's easier to move on if he hates/blames you than it is to hate/blame himself. It's the guilt"

Made so much sense to me

swuahies · 30/12/2023 09:07

It’s easier for him if he re-writes the narrative, telling everyone (including himself) that you were a bitch and that his life with you was terrible. This means he must now react in this way, to maintain his own belief in this tale.

@QueenofLouisiana this!!!

ChanelNo19EDT · 30/12/2023 09:12

It's so common it seems. My x couldn't even look me in the eye at handovers. I would go in with the neutral calm face stapled on, id say "hello" and he wouldn't look me in the eye, he wouldn't play along. I gave him the opportunity to pretend we were amicably co-parenting, and he rejected the baton! Chose to go full time in the job of dehumanising me.

He didn't have an affair but he was verbally abusive, always angry, had got rough with me..... so you could say, no change, he clearly hated you. But 16 years later he hates me more if anything. How can people be so blind to their own nonsense.

Winter3000 · 30/12/2023 09:17

Why is he angry?

  1. He's a c**t who just doesn't want you to be happy.
  2. He knows he made a mistake by leaving you.
  3. The new wife is a dick.
  4. He doesn't like his new life.
  5. He's not getting as much sex as he would like with the new woman.
Cloverforever · 30/12/2023 09:26

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/12/2023 08:30

The people still trying to make out it’s the Op that has an issue.

We have a zillion men on here these days and it's not because they want parenting advice or conversation.

Sadly it's not only men. Sometimes it's the new wife, who also can't comprehend the first wife being happy and loving life post divorce.

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/12/2023 09:34

Cloverforever · 30/12/2023 09:26

Sadly it's not only men. Sometimes it's the new wife, who also can't comprehend the first wife being happy and loving life post divorce.

Show quote history

Like I said, we have a zillion men on here these days.

AgentJohnson · 30/12/2023 09:53

He was supposed to “win” and be the happy one, you were supposed to pine after him for ever.

This! It really doesn’t matter why though, because he’s no longer your problem.

Enjoy the life you’ve built without him, tosser.

ChanelNo19EDT · 30/12/2023 10:01

@NonPlayerCharacter and there have been a number of comments speculating that the x might be bitter about the settlement. This makes me roll my eyes too. I for one left with nothing, debts in fact. And even in situations where a woman got a settlement, that's because a judge decided that her time had value. a lot of exes see no sacrifice to the time that women put into raising their kids. It is ONLY a sacrifice if it's their time.

ChanelNo19EDT · 30/12/2023 10:06

..... and, another thing :-p the insinuation that the OP has an ''issue'' it makes me laugh. If you have an issue you can't just nod and say hi when you meet in the aisles of tesco. That is the issue. If you can walk passed somebody you shared your life with for years and nod and say hi, surely that's more likely the absence of an issue.

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/12/2023 10:06

ChanelNo19EDT · 30/12/2023 10:01

@NonPlayerCharacter and there have been a number of comments speculating that the x might be bitter about the settlement. This makes me roll my eyes too. I for one left with nothing, debts in fact. And even in situations where a woman got a settlement, that's because a judge decided that her time had value. a lot of exes see no sacrifice to the time that women put into raising their kids. It is ONLY a sacrifice if it's their time.

Like I said... <ad infinitum>

Original poster
pinkslippers2023 · 30/12/2023 10:19

WOW ! Woken up to 10 pages of responses! They are fabulous!
Ex is 56. Kids are 27,25,5 and 2 !
With weddings on the horizon for the kids, it would be nice for THEM to see their parents being amicable. Added to that, I'm just not the type of person to hold grudges forever, so a quick hello in the supermarket I would have thought would be normal?

OP posts:
ChanelNo19EDT · 30/12/2023 10:30

swuahies · 30/12/2023 09:07

It’s easier for him if he re-writes the narrative, telling everyone (including himself) that you were a bitch and that his life with you was terrible. This means he must now react in this way, to maintain his own belief in this tale.

@QueenofLouisiana this!!!

Yeh this is why killing him with kindness is perfect in this situation! Or a version of that. Kill him with breezy. A small card every now and then, if you get a bottle of red and you don't like it so much, pass it on, a cheery hello when you cross paths (no matter what reaction you get)

DeeLusional · 30/12/2023 10:37

pinkslippers2023 · 30/12/2023 10:19

WOW ! Woken up to 10 pages of responses! They are fabulous!
Ex is 56. Kids are 27,25,5 and 2 !
With weddings on the horizon for the kids, it would be nice for THEM to see their parents being amicable. Added to that, I'm just not the type of person to hold grudges forever, so a quick hello in the supermarket I would have thought would be normal?

56 with a 5yo and a 2yo! I almost feel sorry for him, and his young DCs. No wonder he's angry and grumpy and the rest of the 7 dwarves. Onwards and upwards, OP😃

CharlotteRumpling · 30/12/2023 10:40

56! With a 2 year old! Oh, he is so jealous of you. Imagine getting no lie ins at that age.

I am 52 and so enjoying my life with adult kids. I wouldn't have any more kids even for Brad Pitt.

ChanelNo19EDT · 30/12/2023 10:45

yeh when his 5 year old was born, he has only just raised his children to adulthood, so here he goes again, parenthood for FORTY YEARS

Mywhoopdeedoo · 30/12/2023 10:46

So he could be looking forward to retirement and child free, relaxing holidays, instead he’s stuck in soft play hell. What a twat

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/12/2023 10:47

Ex is 56. Kids are 27,25,5 and 2

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

TheaBrandt · 30/12/2023 10:48

Dear god he will be parenting until he drops. Assume the sex is incredible to make up for that.

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/12/2023 10:51

TheaBrandt · 30/12/2023 10:48

Dear god he will be parenting until he drops. Assume the sex is incredible to make up for that.

It might have been, once. Two toddlers later, what are we betting...

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot · 30/12/2023 10:54

Aged 56 and with a 2yo, he's probably realised by now that he's likely to need to work until into his 70s. Poor chap.

If he can't even manage a civil greeting when there's an accidental encounter somewhere as neutral and boring as a supermarket, then future family occasions are going to be complicated. I hope your DC will be able to tell him trenchantly that he has to behave himself

(Idly and evilly wondering what would happen if either/both opted for a child-free wedding....)