Hi all
Just posting for some advice about what to do next. I've been with my DW (same-sex relationship) for 16 years, have 2 children together (6 and 3), a house etc.
After having our last child, I suffered significant depression and said some very hurtful things (like I didn't love her etc) because I was struggling so much and felt like I had no support at all from her as she was so focused on work. I should have reached out for help but I didn't due to shame, guilt, fear etc and that's something I take responsibility for. I still struggle with the bond with my youngest but I'm in a much better place. I have apologised for my behaviour and hurt words and tried to get back on track.
I suspect she has ADHD so can get hyperfocused on stuff. Shes very early Meno so is also up and down a lot re mood swings.
Over the past few months I have tried to address our total lack of intimacy/affection and but always had the sense that she wasn't feeling it but kept trying.
This past week has been awful, she admitted that whilst she loves me, she isn't happy and feels awkward when I touch her, even just holding hands makes her feel uncomfortable. I've tried really hard but she keeps saying she can't forget the hurtful things I have said to her. I can understand why she feels like that, I've tried to validate her feelings and try to explain about how my mental state was but she said she can't get past it. She also blames me for having the kids as she never wanted them but went ahead with it anyway. She wants to go back to it just being us.
I'm at a loss as to what to do. I don't want to separate, I love her so much and want us to grow old together and nurture our family unit. The practicalities would be awful, we might have to sell the house and that's the last thing I would like for my children. It's their home. She keeps saying how much she wants me to be happy but being happy is being with her and the children - I find that really patronising.
We don't argue in front of them but we aren't modelling positive relationship behaviour. She shrinks from my touch and I just dont know what to do. We have booked a marriage counsellor but I feel like she has totally checked out so wonder if this is just a tactic to string everything out so she could say we tried everything. I'm anxious about the therapy but willing to try anything if it gets us back on track. I know I can't make her feel anything for me ðŸ˜
I'm just heartbroken. I can't eat or sleep for that crushing feeling in my chest.