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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused and upset right now

18 replies

saltrocking · 16/08/2023 12:32

Can anyone shed some light on this behaviour?.

Family member goes out of their way to ruin any kind of special event. Christmas you can guarantee some orchestrated drama, birthdays ruined by them every single time, any good news that's made you happy, well they have to knock you back down. Then the next day they will act like everything is normal and I will then be accused of being the problem for bringing it back up.

I'm honestly exasperated and confused right now. Another special occasion that I'll only have bad memories off. I'm so upset.

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 16/08/2023 12:34

Narcissism

or just being a General arsehole who doesnt like not being the centre of attention

Shoxfordian · 16/08/2023 13:39

Yep, sounds narcissistic to me too

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 13:40

Narcy narc narc narc.

Original poster
saltrocking · 16/08/2023 13:52

I think you are all correct after a little read up 😢

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 16/08/2023 13:56

If this is a partner you need to leave, if it's a parent or sibling you need to go very low contact.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2023 13:57

They are a narcissist and there is no changing them.. What you see is what you get, and you would be very wise to cut them out of your life entirely.

flapjackfairy · 16/08/2023 13:57

check in on the stately homes thread. You will find lots of fellow sufferers who totally get it.

Silvers11 · 16/08/2023 14:09

Another one recognising narcissism. They won't change. You can try grey rocking them and not reacting - but probably best to go Very Low contact or even No Contact

Whiskerson · 16/08/2023 14:15

I don't know, but what do you think they would say if they gave their side of the story?

I don't think it's helpful to have these armchair internet diagnoses based on a few sentences from the OP.

Mayyyyyybe the other person is actually a bona fide narcissistic, which apparently is pretty rare.

Or maybe there is an unhappy and complicated dynamic in these family relationships, in which everyone plays a part, which can only be explored with much more info about all sides of this. That's not to say the OP is necessarily at fault, but I don't see any true curiosity or introspection either.

Basically what's happened in this thread is the OP has said "why is this person so horrible" and PPs have said "oh they must be a certified meanie, that's that" and the OP has said "thought so".

OP it sounds to me like you are dealing with an unhappy person who maybe lashes out, and the question is how you deal with that.

hygieneversustheplanet · 16/08/2023 14:18

Whatever their reasons, you need to set boundaries from now on.

Stop inviting them to stuff. If they question it, just say you've noticed they don't seem to enjoy these events and it affects the atmosphere for everyone.

You need to take a stand or you'll never be able to enjoy a nice occasion again.

Merapi · 16/08/2023 14:46

Some people just enjoy ruining things for other people. They get a kick out of it.

GreyCarpet · 16/08/2023 15:00

Yep. Agree with the others.

My mum actually got upset at my graduation because I was "making the day all about" me and didn't include her achievement of 6 months previously (which we'd celebrated 6 months previously).

unsync · 16/08/2023 15:32

Narc. If you are married to them, go now and save yourself years of angst.

Original poster
saltrocking · 16/08/2023 17:47

Whiskerson · 16/08/2023 14:15

I don't know, but what do you think they would say if they gave their side of the story?

I don't think it's helpful to have these armchair internet diagnoses based on a few sentences from the OP.

Mayyyyyybe the other person is actually a bona fide narcissistic, which apparently is pretty rare.

Or maybe there is an unhappy and complicated dynamic in these family relationships, in which everyone plays a part, which can only be explored with much more info about all sides of this. That's not to say the OP is necessarily at fault, but I don't see any true curiosity or introspection either.

Basically what's happened in this thread is the OP has said "why is this person so horrible" and PPs have said "oh they must be a certified meanie, that's that" and the OP has said "thought so".

OP it sounds to me like you are dealing with an unhappy person who maybe lashes out, and the question is how you deal with that.

I came on here because I am curious as to why this person behaves this way. I've spent years thinking I'm to blame, too sensitive, I must push their buttons etc.

I am desperately worried about them,as soon they will have ostracised themselves from all their family. I can't bare the thought of them having no one to turn too. It's like they are on self distruct the minute attention is not on them. I'd never turn my back on them but I just cannot understand why they continue to bash me down constantly and are only happy when I'm down. It's soul destroying tbh.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2023 18:03

saltrocking · 16/08/2023 17:47

I came on here because I am curious as to why this person behaves this way. I've spent years thinking I'm to blame, too sensitive, I must push their buttons etc.

I am desperately worried about them,as soon they will have ostracised themselves from all their family. I can't bare the thought of them having no one to turn too. It's like they are on self distruct the minute attention is not on them. I'd never turn my back on them but I just cannot understand why they continue to bash me down constantly and are only happy when I'm down. It's soul destroying tbh.

Show quote history

Stop trying to fix people who don't want to be fixed. You are not a therapist or a rehab centre. Being this person's emotional punching bag is a completely pointless exercise, and they will never give a single fuck for all the damage and chaos they cause use.

Run for your life.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 16/08/2023 18:09

No fancy official title necessary.
Cunt covers it just fine...

ConnieTucker · 16/08/2023 18:18

they continue to bash me down constantly and are only happy when I'm down
so you know nothing will ever change. The only thing you can change about this is you. Why are you putting up with it? Why don't you cut them off?

ohsuzannah · 16/08/2023 19:43

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 16/08/2023 18:09

No fancy official title necessary.
Cunt covers it just fine...

😂🤣😝

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