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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Botty call/ONS?! Any advise

18 replies

Mensuckbigtime · 31/07/2023 13:51

Hey everyone,
DH ended 10 year.marriage and 18 year relationship last autumn.

He's moved on with OW (surprise...)

And I've recently signed on to bumble just to get myself out there again.

There's this guy who I find hot and he's looking for a bit of fun tonight and I'm kind of intrigued.
But I'm super anxious, I've been with STBXH for nearly 20 years and basically have very little experience and feel a bit like a virgin (obviously I'm not).

Any advice? Is this a "good" idea?
Obviously STBXH affair has been a punch in the gut... is a random booty call the way to get into the game again (OLD had been grim.so far)?

I told the guy that I defo want to meet for drinks.before and that there is NO guarantee that anything will happen.

Ah, I don't know what to do

OP posts:
UnsungShero · 31/07/2023 13:54

Unless you’re in the mindset of being able to have no-strings sex and walk away and never hear from him again, you might find this difficult.

What are you hoping for? Just sex (no issue with that- be safe!) Companionship? A relationship? Because you’re unlikely to get the last two.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/07/2023 13:56

UnsungShero · 31/07/2023 13:54

Unless you’re in the mindset of being able to have no-strings sex and walk away and never hear from him again, you might find this difficult.

What are you hoping for? Just sex (no issue with that- be safe!) Companionship? A relationship? Because you’re unlikely to get the last two.

I like the idea that I'd never see the guy again in a way

I've just come out of nearly two decades of bring in a relationship and feel that maybe this is my time for some adventures

I'm just scared that I don't know what to do...

I've been with the same.guy for such a long time, he was my first sexual.partner

Bit also, I don't want to not ever have sex again

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 31/07/2023 13:58

Why don’t you go for drinks in a public place and see what you think of him once you’ve met up.

If you don’t want to see him again anyway, it might be good for your self confidence.

wheredotheygo · 31/07/2023 14:00

I'm a firm believer in the old "to get over one you have to get under one" adage and think it can be a great confidence boost and make you feel great and empowered. On the other hand, having done a lot of OLD before meeting my DH, I never could understand the appeal of meeting up with a stranger from the internet with the sole intention of sleeping with them. If you are comfortable with that and are absolutely prepared to never hear from them again once the evening is over, and are sure that wont have a knock on your confidence or self esteem, then go and have fun and enjoy it!

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/07/2023 14:01

TheSnowyOwl · 31/07/2023 13:58

Why don’t you go for drinks in a public place and see what you think of him once you’ve met up.

If you don’t want to see him again anyway, it might be good for your self confidence.

Yeah, I'd defo go for drinks beforehand

No way I'm.just going to his place
Anyone else been in that position where you've been married for a long time and are scared to get back out there?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/07/2023 14:03

wheredotheygo · 31/07/2023 14:00

I'm a firm believer in the old "to get over one you have to get under one" adage and think it can be a great confidence boost and make you feel great and empowered. On the other hand, having done a lot of OLD before meeting my DH, I never could understand the appeal of meeting up with a stranger from the internet with the sole intention of sleeping with them. If you are comfortable with that and are absolutely prepared to never hear from them again once the evening is over, and are sure that wont have a knock on your confidence or self esteem, then go and have fun and enjoy it!

Never had sex outside my marriage, so don't know how I'd feel after ONS

But also the fact that I won't.have to see him again seems fine to me atm

Obviously don't knowhow I'd feel after as I have zero experience

OP posts:
wheredotheygo · 31/07/2023 14:06

It's scary OP but you have to rip the plaster off at some point! Better to do it with someone you have no investment in too!
With regards to your experience, I really wouldn't worry and I'm sure you have lots but it's the safety and routine of doing it with someone familiar that is making you question yourself. If this man turns out to be a god in bed then great, so much the better for you!

funtimes1987 · 31/07/2023 14:07

Be extremely cautious OP. I cannot believe I am about to type this but, sex nowadays is very different to sex 20 years ago. Trust me on that!

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/07/2023 14:10

funtimes1987 · 31/07/2023 14:07

Be extremely cautious OP. I cannot believe I am about to type this but, sex nowadays is very different to sex 20 years ago. Trust me on that!

Oh shit, yeah, I don't know what I need to be cautious about...

Like I said, I'm very inexperienced in terms of how many guys I've been with...

One to be exact

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/07/2023 14:12

Ok, so from what he's writing, he sounds pretty kinky... not sure that's up my alley

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/07/2023 14:35

Haha, he's just deleted the chat because I told him I wasn't into threesomes.

That's that then

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 31/07/2023 15:04

There will be many more of those. Don’t sell yourself short OP, you may regret it. Any woman can get a man that wants just sex, do you really want sex with a total sleaze bag? That won’t care what you get out of it. Your choice, but that’s my opinion.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/07/2023 15:07

Roselilly36 · 31/07/2023 15:04

There will be many more of those. Don’t sell yourself short OP, you may regret it. Any woman can get a man that wants just sex, do you really want sex with a total sleaze bag? That won’t care what you get out of it. Your choice, but that’s my opinion.

Yeah, you're right.
I do feel that I set boundaries with that guy which felt good and told him what were no-gos for me.

He was far too kinky for me, so it's cool.

I do worry about OLD though, even the ones that seem nice have turned out to be shitbags.

OP posts:
YoSof · 31/07/2023 15:14

Mensuckbigtime · 31/07/2023 15:07

Yeah, you're right.
I do feel that I set boundaries with that guy which felt good and told him what were no-gos for me.

He was far too kinky for me, so it's cool.

I do worry about OLD though, even the ones that seem nice have turned out to be shitbags.

Show quote history

First of all decide exactly what you want and don’t move on that.

Second - thick skin and boundaries of steel. You’ll meet a lot of dickheads, cut them off immediately. No second chances, no excuses.

You are the prize - you are dating to see if they’re good enough for you. Anyone who isn’t gets filtered out immediately.

You won’t be for everyone and that’s fine, not everyone will be for you. Keep your options open until you find someone you are happy to be exclusive with, one or two dates a week with different people. Always public.

Don’t be afraid to block.

Its a numbers game, enjoy it for what it is and hopefully you’ll find what you’re looking for but seriously, boundaries of steel.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/07/2023 15:19

YoSof · 31/07/2023 15:14

First of all decide exactly what you want and don’t move on that.

Second - thick skin and boundaries of steel. You’ll meet a lot of dickheads, cut them off immediately. No second chances, no excuses.

You are the prize - you are dating to see if they’re good enough for you. Anyone who isn’t gets filtered out immediately.

You won’t be for everyone and that’s fine, not everyone will be for you. Keep your options open until you find someone you are happy to be exclusive with, one or two dates a week with different people. Always public.

Don’t be afraid to block.

Its a numbers game, enjoy it for what it is and hopefully you’ll find what you’re looking for but seriously, boundaries of steel.

Show quote history

Yup, you're right.
I've only done OLD for a few weeks, but I've already gotten an idea what works for me and what doesn't.

I'm not desperate for a relationship atm, my biological clock isn't ticking anymore ( have 2 DCs), I just want a bit of fun and excitement to take my mind off divorce, prick of STBXH and OW...

But by God, guys are making it hard

They either ghost or are sooo boring...

Anyway, onwards and upwards

OP posts:
BMW6 · 31/07/2023 17:00

As regards sex nowadays your typo in your thread title probably sums it up ............😣

visorcleaner · 31/07/2023 17:12

@BMW6 🤣🤣 so true!!

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/07/2023 17:14

🤣🤣🤣🤣
Freudian slip...

Going on a date tonight
Wish me.luck, ladies

OP posts:
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