First time poster, I’m almost certain I have BPD and am awaiting an official diagnosis. I wanted to post on here as I want to hear some hard truths if I need to.
My boyfriend absolutely adored me at the beginning of the relationship, it’s been 7 months now. Once things settled down the doubts came creeping in… does he love me as much as he used to, why isn’t he texting me as much, why doesn’t he want to spend all his time with me, he’s stopped saying cute things etc etc. It’s caused me to need reassurance and I’m asking him if he’s getting bored, if he’s still in love etc and he always says he is. He knows I struggle with my mental health so says he does cut me some slack.
The last few weeks we have been arguing like crazy. He says I “don’t ever understand him”. For example he’s texting me back less, I have to understand that he’s busy. I have to understand that he’s focusing on his football with friends and im not his top priority when he’s in the middle of a game. I have to be more understanding. See, my brain doesn’t understand how I’m not being understanding and supportive? He used to text me updates but now he doesn’t. So I feel things have changed but he just tells me they haven’t.
I requested he doesn’t raise his voice at me, he says he tries but still does sometimes. I also have certain needs eg being kind and soft with me, giving a proper apology that isn’t just a snap back at me after.
He calls me pathetic and a hypocrite because apparently I don’t give proper apologies either - I think it’s because I get too upset and think I’ve already ruined things. So I just cry and say sorry. I also take things in absolutes, so if he’s upset at me I think he’s going to split up with me or he hates me
Today I apologised for last night and he didn’t. He said he already apologised last night because “he can actually recognise when he’s done wrong at the time” so a dig at me. He apologised basically and then just looked up at the ceiling looking fed up. I asked him to instead hold my hand and do a proper apology. He stood up and shouted “so I have to apologise for the third time?!?” And stormed off.
Today was the first time he said I’m pushing him away and not letting him in. Today was also the first time I said I was going to go home, and he just let me leave. I feel like I’ve done a self fulfilling prophecy.
Am I doing wrong here? I’d love to hear from other points of view and also tips on how I can salvage this relationship. Thanks