Constant bickering over the kids - is everyone with LOs like this?

[HaventSleptForAYear]

Just getting so sick of the constant sniping at each other that DH and I are doing.

Can't seem to snap out of it, it's really getting me down but wondering whether I'm taking it too seriously - does everyone with small kids (DS1 is 3, DS2 is 1 but a nightmare reflux bad sleeper - we are just emerging from the fog now) bicker with their partner about how to do things (ie "don't let him do that" "you forgot to put the nappy cream on" "why hasn't he got his slippers on?" etc etc.)

DH is away for the night and although I always think I will find it hard coping on my own, I've actually had a really fun and relaxing evening with the kids

We both work full-time and are quite busy anyway (various other outside commitments, biggish house & garden to keep up,).

We are both real perfectionists too which is possibly where it's coming from - or maybe the fact that neither of us is "the main carer" - so noone's boss IYSWIM.

Anyway, would be interested to hear if we're the only ones, am quite at myself at being quite so happy DH is away !!!

Oh gosh no, Dh and I are much better than we used to be but thats because DS is 22mths and we only have the one ( are we mad to be trying for another ??)oh and he is a great sleeper, I'm hellish with little sleep.

I now try really really hard to take a step back when DH is doing things and just let him get on with it, and even say thanks sometimes. We also tend to split up our time at the weekend so that each parent has a period of being the main carer - actually its pretty much me that instigated it on the basis that it was always me for the whole weekend.

Thing is, think DH is almost worse than me at interfering with how things are done - he used to congratulate me on letting him get on with things unlike a lot of other mums we know.
We do do the separate parenting on w/e too - bit worried that's the only way we can do it IYSWIM!

We have a 3yr and 20 month old so understand completely what you mean by the pressure. Sometimes we don't even look each other in the eye cos we are just 'doing stuff'. Maybe you guys just need a break - a night out. We try to make sure that one night a week we chat = or even go to bed a bit earlier to cuddle up and chat about 'how we are doing'.

I often find it easier to have the kids on my own and wonder whether that is a bad sign, but I sometimes think its easier because you haven't got anyone you can critisize. I get a real sense of achievement on my own with the kids.

We do it to a degree but not over everything. I think I'm the worst to be honest because I only work part time so am dd's main carer. On the days I work when dp takes over I do find that almost everything he's done with her / the way he's left our home etc. gets on my nerves. I try very hard to bite my tongue because I know it's annoying and we don't have an option and I am grateful that he can do the most important things like keep dd safe and happy.

However I do have to say in my defense that dp is a real head-in-the-clouds academic and some of the things he does are mad. For instance, the other night he couldn't decide what to make for dd's tea so he made her a 'mixed grill' which consisted of: Mexican bean burger, fish fingers, veggie burger, chicken burger, broccoli, corn, carrots and potato wedges. When I got home she was just staring at her plate saying 'I don't know what to eat.' Almost the entire lot went in the bin. Sigh ...

imaginaryfriend
What did you say? Did you manage to bite your tongue?
Dh is also an academic but a sciency one so no fun like that in our house - he would have a fit !

So how does that work in practice Sprogger? (should be getting an early night but am glued to computer making the most of DH's absence!)

HSFAY it really really bugged me. The waste of food, the lack of insight into what a 5-year-old girl of slight build can actually manage to consume, and the kind of flaccid inability to choose what to cook! It's bad enough that he always feeds her from the freezer let alone from everything in the freezer!!

I didn't bite my tongue. I made a few clipped remarks when dd was still up and later I told him I thought it was rubbish. He said I was a bore.

Deadlock.

HSFAY dp is a philosophy lecturer. Rules are there to be broken in his mental world.

I really like it when my DH goes away, but being alone in the house with the kids freaks me a little. So, I send the kids to bed early, open a bottle, watch living tv in bed and eat toast & dairylea if I want.

Now my kids are a little older, I've trained them to tell DH 'you're not doing it right' so they keep him in line. They also do a nice line in 'you'll never guess what daddy did' in public places which has helped him improve a little. Although I'm thinking of starting him a star chart to, seems to work for the kids....

lol at the star chart

the main issue we have is discipline. i like to just concentrate on serious bad behaviour, pick my battles you might say, DH gets narked by everything. it's come to the point where i have to take DS to mass on my own as DH and i would always finish off our 'hour in god's house' in a blazing row DS plays reasonably quietly with his toys in mass and i make sure he doesn't annoy anyone, DH thinks he should sit and listen to the priest. he's 4 FFS. now, i take DS to mass and leave DH with strict instructions for housework so it works for both of us, but it is a shame we can't all go mass as a family, but if we'd have continued i'd have killed or divorced him, both frowned upon by the priest i think

We have very different ways of doing things but don't generally argue. Whoever is doing to job gets to do it their way. Could be because we're older, have both have had a previous child each so generally don't care as much about the details!

I think it helps to ask what is the important thing here. So did DD or DS get fed? If so, it doesn't matter what!

I use nappy cream all the time, DH doesn't.

I like vests, DH doesn't.

But I try to remember that I married DH partly becasue he isn't like me, is more easy-going.

No-one likes to be micro-managed.

I AM NOT SHOUTING MY CAPS ARE STUCK

DIVISION OF LABOUR IS THE ANSWER

DON'T MUDDLE AND CONFOUND TASKS

YOU DO SOMETHING, HE DOES SOMETHING ELSE

HE COOKS, YOU WASH UP

YOU BATH BABY, HE DRESSES

IT TOOK ME 8 YEARS OF ARGUMENTS TO FIGURE THIS OUT

I AM A SLOW LEARNER THOUGH - YOU'RE QUICKER I AM SURE

I think you're right Quatrrocento (not about me being a faster learner ) - I need to have a little chat with DH and we can both make an effort to stop "interfering".

As you say, if s/o is doing the job, they should be left to do it. Think I got sucked into a childish mentality of "well he's criticising me so I'll use every opp to get my own back." We already have 1 3 year old in the house, don't need another one !!!