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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

375 replies

JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:21

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

OP posts:
JoyLurking9to5 · 18/04/2022 06:41

You have to end it. 💔
After a lovely weekend you made it known you wanted to have sex and he said "i dont know what to say to that".

It's not you. It's him.
Dont be embarrassed

Wife2b · 18/04/2022 06:50

It’s so easy for people on the net to say it’s over, there is no future etc but it’s you OP living this relationship. You’ve said the relationship is pretty much perfect aside from this so it would be a shame to throw it away on one incident where he has by all accounts been an insensitive fool. There could be a multitude of reasons for the lack of sex drive that is not linked with you. It’s worth exploring rather than throwing the towel in when you are otherwise happy.

mothertrucking · 18/04/2022 07:00

OP I could have written every post you have made on this thread. I'm in exactly the same situation with and OH who is exactly the same as your OH. I'm a wee bit older than you (mid 40's) but I've had this discussion with him many times over the last few years. I walkways feel like a bitch for bringing it up but nothing has ever changed and it won't ever change.

I've had all the same feelings as you I feel ugly, fat, unattractive and worthless. My ex was abusive and the relationship was troubled but we had amazing sex. I'm like you I can't win, my OH is lovely, kind and caring but I feel like we have a boring platonic relationship.

KittyBurrito · 18/04/2022 07:01

Honestly, I think people are really making a mountain out of a molehill here. There are times when we all don't feel like sex. Maybe he was tired, maybe he was thinking about something else, maybe he felt like some alone time, maybe he just wasn't in the mood. If it was a woman on here complaining that her husband was terribly upset just because she had said "No thanks" there would be queues of posters saying it wasn't ok to pressure her like that. It just sounds like you guys have got out of the habit and then it feels weird and awkward to reconnect sexually. It happens. Try and talk to him about it in a non blamey way - maybe a couple's therapist could help you reconnect? I honestly don't think it's necessarily the end of the world. This disconnection jas happened to us more than once over the course of a 30 year relationship. It's not a cause for panic, just a bit of TLC.

Pickingmyselfup · 18/04/2022 07:05

I am in the same situation but I'm the one with no drive. Partly because of stuff that's gone on in the past where I've been coerced into it but as time goes on its become harder to move past being housemates despite him being desperate to.

As a result we are separating although we are doing counselling to help us. I can't live with the tension and the sulking when I say no, I feel incredibly guilty and he can't take rejection after rejection.

You could try therapy and see if you can get to the root cause? Leaving a relationship over sex does feel crazy but if it's something that is causing unhappiness then it won't get better. I'm sad at my marriage ending but it's a relief in a way because I won't have to live in such a tense environment.

JoyLurking9to5 · 18/04/2022 07:16

@Wife2b

It’s so easy for people on the net to say it’s over, there is no future etc but it’s you OP living this relationship. You’ve said the relationship is pretty much perfect aside from this so it would be a shame to throw it away on one incident where he has by all accounts been an insensitive fool. There could be a multitude of reasons for the lack of sex drive that is not linked with you. It’s worth exploring rather than throwing the towel in when you are otherwise happy.
2 things in response to this

I think people not having sex in these relationships can step up and become the perfect boyfriend in other ways to try and make up for the one huge deficit. It may not be conscious but the effect is the same, the decision to walk away is harder because ''he is perfect otherwise...''

I have been in this situation or a version of it and it was so embarrassing when a couple having sex came on tv, it was like watching a sex scene with my mum.

I ended that relationship and he reprimanded me for not having ended it sooner. Wow.

More recently I dated a man who drank too much and I recognised that perfect boyfriend otherwise thing. Different. But the same. He was consciously or unconsciously making up for the huge problem and making things harder for me.

gingerhills · 18/04/2022 07:18

You need to talk. I would just say sometime today: we rarely have sex any more and we need to be honest about why. If you love me and enjoy my company but just don't find me physically attractive any more, I want to know because that's not enough for me. If there's another reason, we can work on it, but if it's that, please respect me enough to admit it.

If he masturbates a lot he could be hung up on ridiculous porn images which blunt your desire for real sex with the full range of sensory input - the smells, taste, touch etc. Best way round that is for him to block porn from his computer and phone and go cold turkey.

PearPickingPorky · 18/04/2022 07:28

I don't think you need to end it, but you need a conversation. A very honest one.

There are lots of reasons he may have said no. Maybe he felt like he needed a shower first? Or waxed or whatever?

You need to find out whether he's just out of the habit of it, and maybe as a consequence of that he feels more pressure and now can't have spontaneous sex as he's not "prepared", or whether this is just how he is, the sex is gone, and it will now always be this way. If so, you need to explain that you do want sex, with him preferably, but that if he doesn't want to anymore then this is too big an issue for you as it's damaging your self-esteem.

AnnaKorine · 18/04/2022 07:34

I split up with an ex who (among other issues) seemed a bit sex avoidant towards the end. It turned out he had some performance anxiety issues, he thought he didn’t last long enough. I honestly never notified and had no idea this was going on for him. So you never really know that it is about you, but I think once you reach the point where you feel the way you do you’re pretty much dead in the water anyway.

EngTech · 18/04/2022 07:36

@Jewel52

Just wondering how this would would be perceived if it was a man writing about a woman who hadn’t wanted sex on demand. The Op is giving loads of positives about their relationship, including a really healthy sex life in their past. So many of these responses seem to be built on a stereotype of “men are always up for it”. Just talk about what’s going on and why the awkwardness around her initiating sex but without sexist assumptions that men should be constantly horny
Have to agree with that comment, double standards?
PlasticPlantsDontDie · 18/04/2022 07:37

Just wondering how this would would be perceived if it was a man writing about a woman who hadn’t wanted sex on demand.

What a load of crap! OP isn’t wanting sex on demand! She clearly loves her DH but is sad and lonely, can’t you see that?

Also when it’s the other way round, it’s often because the man has been affected by porn and is asking the woman to do things she’s uncomfortable with, or the wife having issues relating to childbirth or illness. So a completely different slant.

Sex doesn’t have to be part of a relationship but both partners need to be on the same page.

Good luck OP, I hope your chat goes well Flowers

Vijia · 18/04/2022 07:38

Oh goodness no, talking about it will not work, you already tried that and nothing changes, that's not how it works with men.

Most men like to initiate and you will be emasculating him by drawing attention to this.

It's best to vote with your feet.

Many couples don't have sex and have happy marriages but you are unhappy with his status quo and if he was unhappy with the status quo he would have done something about it by now.

Ending it really is the best option, don't let anyone tell you otherwise you will only be putting off the inevitable.

This is because men often say what women want to hear and don't follow up by action.

Fadeout83 · 18/04/2022 07:43

Nothing to add but just to say good luck with your chat. You’re doing the right thing

ecnatsid · 18/04/2022 07:46

I would end the relationship because it's doing you're self esteem no favours. You haven't got children yet, usually that's a factor in this type of thing. You're so young to be going through this

Siameasy · 18/04/2022 07:48

Give an ultimatum that he needs to be honest with you what’s going on or it’s over. You’re too young to live like this.

CornishTiger · 18/04/2022 07:53

I wouldn’t end it yet. I’d go travelling and see if you can reconnect away from normal life.

Eelicks · 18/04/2022 07:54

If his sex drive has suddenly declined but the relationship is good it could be a physical issue. Happened to my brother and turns out he had stopped producing enough testosterone (which can cause other problems too if left untreated) so he is on HRT now (testosterone gel) which has sorted it.

Otherwise, yes it may just be the relationship has fizzled out unfortunately. You need a Frank discussion. If its that then better to know now so you can find someone else that makes you feel special and amazing. Life is too short to spend with someone who makes you feel like crap (even if not intentionally)

Iwab82 · 18/04/2022 07:56

Don't say it's over before you've talked to him properly. So many reasons I don't want sex as often as I used to , none of them are actually to do with my relationship. Mainly, I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm self conscious about my body. Therefore, with all that going on I'm in the mood less often than I used to be. Ok, he could have gone off you but that's not the only answer, especially as he seems affectionate in other ways.

FrecklesMalone · 18/04/2022 07:56

I hope you are ok and your talk goes well Flowers

GeneLovesJezebel · 18/04/2022 07:57

@JJJJETS

I’m going have to sit him down tomorrow and have a really frank, honest conversation. Because I cannot, and will not, carry on like this. I have more self worth
You’ve already had a conversation and he said he would change. He hasn’t. Think about what you want.
Countdownis35 · 18/04/2022 07:59

@PlasticPlantsDontDie

If you don’t have kids together, yes I’d move on.
Even if OP had kids. I would still advise her to move on. Spending another 40 odd years like this? No thanks
girlmom21 · 18/04/2022 07:59

There's a good chance that, with you being out of practice, he now feels awkward when sex comes up.

We had it after my first baby. Obviously I didn't want sex for a while, and then it became awkward. Neither of us wanted to instigate and be rejected so we just stopped instigating.

GeneLovesJezebel · 18/04/2022 08:01

Could it be that he is gay ?

Senseofsomething · 18/04/2022 08:01

I ended a relationship that was sexless. At the point of ending I thought most other things were good but looking back there were many cracks. The not being wanted was, on reflection an indication of not being loved. I didn’t want to see it before we broke up and he was too comfortable in the relationship to say it. It felt awful, I don’t think you can know what it feels like and how sad it can be till you have been in that kind of relationship. It hurts a lot. It damages your self esteem. You can’t look forward to trios away and special occasions with a sense of anticipation. You start to feel unattractive. It sucks the joy out of things. This doesn’t sound like a one off rejection of a proposition but more a wall put up by him and something that has been going on for a while. I can imagine the situation and I think a serious conversation is needed, likely a break up. It’s really sad and I wish you well OP.

Patchbatch · 18/04/2022 08:04

I used to be in a similar relationship, of course respected him saying no and never put pressure on, but ultimately not compatible. I enjoy sex and it wasn't working for me going months without. His comment was odd as well- hope all goes okay.