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Original poster

Just propositioned my DP for sex, he said no

375 replies

JJJJETS · 17/04/2022 23:21

We hardly ever have sex. Not too sure why, no kids, otherwise happy relationship I’d say. We last did it a month ago and before that… maybe 8 weeks before? We went 6 months without once. Been together 5 years, no health problems.

Anyway, had a lovely weekend, a wedding, nice meal out today with friend, laughed a lot, very affectionate lots of kissing etc.

Just tried it on, his answer was ‘haha wow, don’t know what to say to that’. We then sat in awkward silence, he’s now fallen asleep and I’m crying.

It’s over isn’t it. I mean if he doesn’t want to have sex with me there’s nowhere to go is there. I know he masturbates (no issues with that, I do to). We have had long conversations about the lack of sex before, he promises it will change but it doesn’t for long. Plus. I don’t want to have to convince my partner to want to have sex with me.

Not even sure what I want from this thread. I just feel very sad and rejected right now

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 18/04/2022 01:13

Oh my love. This is soooo hard. I really, really want it to work for you, but I'm not sure it will.

I was 25 and finished with my bf of 3 years (lived together for 2 years). He was a fabulous person, just as you describe your partner, and our lives were similarly entwined. Everyone loved him, and I did too, but for me the sex was crucial, and he just didn't get me or what turned me on. For ne, it was too much to sacrifice. It broke me to finish with him, but I had to.

After that bfs were never as great as he was, better in bed but never as compatible as people. I often thought over the years I should have worked at it, we would have been so happy. But in my heart I know it would never have worked, really.

Many years later i found the one (after 2 kids and a divorce) and he's my everything- we're so compatible in every way, including sex. I don't think I realised how important it was for me until I met him. 12 years, and a DC, later we're still incredibly happy.

I suppose my message here is that you need to see the woods, not just the trees, and believe that you will find someone to fulfill you in every way. I've known too many wonderful friends be in relationships where they settled, fir one reason or another: don't settle, you'll never be happy.

Hawkins001 · 18/04/2022 01:19

All the best op

Wauden · 18/04/2022 01:23

Is there something he is not telling you?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 18/04/2022 01:24

It's not fair on you as a young woman.

You deserve some fun, some raw sexual attraction.

1forAll74 · 18/04/2022 02:45

Surely you can't end a relationship because of this, some people are so fragile these days,, especially if you are crying about this too.

WrinklyDad · 18/04/2022 02:54

So just to recap, the man tries it on gets told no on numerous occasions, and the relationship carries on. The woman tries it on man says no, the relationship is over?

Head scratcher from a male perspective. Not all men want sex all the time, some like it less frequently, especially when the relationship has been going for a while.

To me it sounds like there is more going on, maybe he has lost his confidence, maybe he got rejected one too many times and has found a different outlet. I would say his response is a defensive mechanism for something deeper. People respond with humor on the most random occasions!

I would say speak to him, see what you both want from your sex life. If you are not compatible then maybe yes it is time to move on. However, these things are often resolved by discussing them rather than jumping to conclusions? Be brave, ask him.

WTF475878237NC · 18/04/2022 03:09

I think he has shifted into seeing you as a good friend he cares deeply about rather than a partner and lover. I'm sure he doesn't consciously want that relationship to end but perhaps it's run its course.

AnaMRT · 18/04/2022 03:25

I think definitely have a good heart to heart and maybe ask him outright if he still wants you sexually or sees you more as a friend.. it’s such a shame if the relationship is good in all other aspects. Best of luck OP!

Moser85 · 18/04/2022 03:32

@1forAll74

Surely you can't end a relationship because of this, some people are so fragile these days,, especially if you are crying about this too.
Of course she can. It's pretty much a sexless relationship. (Very infrequent sex like this is classed as a sexless relationship).
NumberTheory · 18/04/2022 03:39

A candid heart to heart is a good start. But unless he tells you you’re right and he doesn’t actually fancy you any more I suggest you invest in a sex therapist.

You say you have a good relationship otherwise, it sounds like you love each other. Lots of relationships go through sex lulls for all sorts of reasons. The lack of sexual desire can be down to all sorts of things and isn’t necessarily related to how sexually desirable he finds you. But many couples don’t find their way back and slowly drift apart. A good sex therapist could help you both work out what’s really going on and, if there’s a good way to get back to a decent sex life, help you get there and give you tools for keeping things going in the future.

Zonder · 18/04/2022 03:51

Please don't assume it is over until you've had chance to sit down with him and find out what is going on

CordeliaBrideshead · 18/04/2022 03:59

I think he's got out the habit because of your pelvis/bleeding issue. It's created anxiety for him about hurting you. Sounds like he loves and cares about you so talking to him is the way forward. Everything will feel different in the morning lovely. Xxx

AlternativePerspective · 18/04/2022 04:02

Hang on, if a woman posted here that she had no libido and her partner was threatening to leave because he didn’t get sex people would be telling her she was wel rid and he clearly was a silly manchild.

Now while I do understand the hurt if you’re rejected the reality is that the grass is rarely greener, and to end an otherwise good relationship because of sex is incredibly short-sighted. Because sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. And you can have a decent relationship without sex, but how do you find your next relationship? “Someone who likes sex”? Is the other stuff not important then?

FWIW I am the one with no libido due to medication and I know it does bother my DP. If he decided to leave me over it that would be his decision. But our relationship is built on so much more than that, and to reduce the meaning of a relationship to lack of the physical is to dismiss everything else that relationship stands for.

And what happens wen the OP has children and has no libido? Should the man be free to leave? Is she in the wrong?

Lack of libido can have all sorts of reasons. And it’s not only women who have the monopoly on saying no.

Moser85 · 18/04/2022 04:07

@Zonder

Please don't assume it is over until you've had chance to sit down with him and find out what is going on
The problem in these situations is that often the partner who does not want sex will not be completely honest, then the other person doesn't know exactly what they're working with so they can't make an informed decision....and then these relationships drag on for years and years or decades with the partner who wants sex becoming more miserable etc.

OP I think lay it on the line with your partner and tell him you deserve honesty and ask is this situation ever likely to really change??

If he says no then you have your answer.

If he says yes but you don't build a healthy consistent sex life then you have to take that as your answer regardless of what he's saying to you in words.

Moser85 · 18/04/2022 04:18

Hang on, if a woman posted here that she had no libido and her partner was threatening to leave because he didn’t get sex people would be telling her she was wel rid and he clearly was a silly manchild.

I give the same advice on this issue to men and women.

Now while I do understand the hurt if you’re rejected the reality is that the grass is rarely greener, and to end an otherwise good relationship because of sex is incredibly short-sighted. Because sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. And you can have a decent relationship without sex, but how do you find your next relationship? “Someone who likes sex”? Is the other stuff not important then?

Needing to have a sex life with your partner doesn't mean that the other stuff isn't important and that a person doesn't want their other needs met or doesn't want other things in a partner. It just means that the relationship has to include a good sex life.

And what happens wen the OP has children and has no libido? Should the man be free to leave? Is she in the wrong?

There's no guarantee she would have no libido if she had kids. And yes of course he's free to leave if sex is important to him and it's causing issues. That would be far better than them staying together with the tension and arguments that often occur in relationships where there is no sex.

But no she wouldn't be in the wrong. There is no right or wrong. The OP isn't right or wrong and neither is her partner. There is no bad guy. No one should have sex they don't want to have. They are just incompatible sexually by the sounds of it. and often the low or no libido partner will not be completely honest out of fear of the relationship ending, and it's actually normalised that people are not completely honest about that, which isn't fair on either partner, because it means the partner who wants sex never knows the full extent of the situation and gets upset at being rejected, the one who doesn't want sex has to make up excuses all the time....or even if the other person stops asking they feel the tension and upset even if the other person doesn't pressure them.

And it’s not only women who have the monopoly on saying no.

Absolutely.
Normalise saying no!
But also normalise complete honesty!

StopStartStop · 18/04/2022 04:18

Don't waste any more time. An old public safety notice comes to mind...
"Get out!
Stay out!
Call the fire brigade out!"
You might not need the whole fire brigade but a few happy, healthy encounters will put you back on track, I'm sure.
Whatever the reasoning is behind your partner's behaviour, it's totally irrelevant. He's leaving you without sex at a time in your life when you should be getting plenty. Don't talk and let him persuade you to waste more of your young years on him. Just go.

HoleLottaLove · 18/04/2022 04:21

Eye opener. I would say chill. Weddings and events like that can be fun, and emotionally exhausting. Sounds like you had a fun, happy and intimate weekend. It just didn't end as you would like.

Relationships are complex. Both I and partner would probably love to rekindle parts of our intmacy. But sadly are too lazy to, or rather get bogged down with life. Preferring a good night's sleep, which feels like the most pressing issue. Between trauma, and other pains and the pandemic, I am surprised that anyone feels horny!

Given a break, it just becomes harder to rekindle that part of a relationship, and requires work from both parties.

Hot blooded sexual relationships for me run their course. And other intimacies take over. I know both of us in our relationship have lots of exterior emotional baggage to deal with and we aren't good at pleasuring ourselves in any which way. It's a nice to have, but can't say it particularly bothers me.

Momijin · 18/04/2022 04:22

I think the best thing is to have an honest talk with him like you're planning op. Hope it goes well x

Joystir59 · 18/04/2022 04:25

This is a very sad situation OP, I do hope you can have a proper heart to heart and work out what's wrong. The fact that you used to have loads of sex, and that the sex is still great when it happens bodes well- the chemistry was there, still is there. Perhaps sex counselling could help you? I hope you find a way forward as a couple.

BadNomad · 18/04/2022 04:35

There must be a reason for why your sex life has dwindled to almost nothing after only 5 years and no children. You deserve to know that reason and if it's something that can be fixed/changed. If not and if you're not happy to accept that this is how it is now then of course you can end things. Life is too long to spend it feeling sad and rejected.

Tdaadfb100 · 18/04/2022 04:43

I think that it does start to reduce after 3 years, then 7, the further after 10/12 years.
This is why many people have affairs. A quick fix.. then carry drearily on as usual.
It is a shame if every other aspect of your relationship is good..but it is always there, lurking like a dark shadow in the background.
Then you will start dreading going to bed, watching sex scenes on the tv, etc. as is becomes the big, awkward elephant in the room.
It rarely improves .. so maybe look elsewhere. Sorry.

Qextor · 18/04/2022 05:55

Here's my two suggestions:

When you propositioned him, he may have been caught off guard, and used humor to mask the fact that he was not ready to say yes so quickly.

One couple I know have the DW needing conversation and foreplay to feel emotionally close to DH before she's ready for action. DH needs to jump right into the action to feel that closeness, and then can have a good conversation. So they give and take on the foreplay, sometimes more, sometimes less.

As others have pointed out - yes, you do need to talk to your DP and see what the issues are.

sweetbellyhigh · 18/04/2022 06:26

@AlternativePerspective

Hang on, if a woman posted here that she had no libido and her partner was threatening to leave because he didn’t get sex people would be telling her she was wel rid and he clearly was a silly manchild.

Now while I do understand the hurt if you’re rejected the reality is that the grass is rarely greener, and to end an otherwise good relationship because of sex is incredibly short-sighted. Because sex isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship. And you can have a decent relationship without sex, but how do you find your next relationship? “Someone who likes sex”? Is the other stuff not important then?

FWIW I am the one with no libido due to medication and I know it does bother my DP. If he decided to leave me over it that would be his decision. But our relationship is built on so much more than that, and to reduce the meaning of a relationship to lack of the physical is to dismiss everything else that relationship stands for.

And what happens wen the OP has children and has no libido? Should the man be free to leave? Is she in the wrong?

Lack of libido can have all sorts of reasons. And it’s not only women who have the monopoly on saying no.

That is absolute crap.

OP feels unwanted and is repeatedly rejected. She is unhappy in the relationship and he will not make an effort to change.

Of course she should leave. And bigger off with the grass cliche, what would you know about it!

Mooster62 · 18/04/2022 06:27

Please don't settle for this. You are right that you might not meet someone who you xan have a better relationship with and that in every other way he is perfect but it will eat away at you until your resentfulness will show in other ways. I did exactly the same but the sex in my relationship died as soon as I gad my second child. I found all sorts of excuses for it as he was a wonderful man and father but after 2 years finally confronted the situation. It got no excuses, no reasons, just "if you want sex, we'll have sex". Not the answer I wanted or was looking for and certainly the death of any possible sex life. I stayed because I thought I had too much to lose. Don't make that mistake.....

AllOverIt · 18/04/2022 06:41

Oh bless you, OP. Good luck today.